User:Kip the Dip/UnNews:The most poorly executed holy day

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Uncyclopedia is proud to present a column from one of our UnNews editors, in which he plays the part of Jack Skellington by putting our favorite holiday under the microscope, zooming in too close and squishing it.
Jesusween

Hallowed be Thy ween.

Halloween is nigh. To many, this is simply a day of harmless festival of fun with no true rhyme or reason to it. To others, it brings an element of religion to it, both pro and con. Mostly con.

Christians seem to have mixed feelings about it. The tree options available seem to be:

a) Ignore it
b) Oppose it
c) Redeem it

While we could care less about those who ignore it, and the holy grinches trying to ruin it can get bent, the ones who try to santify it are the interesting ones and the central subject of this article.

The value of interest in these people come from their creativity. Sure, most simply pass out Chick tracts (hilarity ensuing) and call it a night, some of these holyweener crusaders are very creative. The late Jerry Fallwell, for example, embraced the darker side of the holiday by holding a Hell House every year. The perfect way to win over souls to Christ: Scare the living shit out of them. On the other hand, some go the exact opposite route and do "Jack Chick on steroids". I'm referring to this thing called "Jesus Ween". Basically, it's an attempt to win over nonbelievers to Christ by annoying them and/or boring them to death. Or at least giving the immature ones a snicker at the sexually suggestive name.

Heh heh. Ween.

You know, when you think about it, that name is also a major redundancy. After all, "Jesus" is just "sausage" spoken backwards.

All these efforts are nothing new. What most Christians don't realize is that Halloween, or All Hallows' Eve, is already a part Christian holiday. It just isn't a very good one.


"Crap, what the fuck are we going to do about these pagan holidays?"

Some of these were a success. Putting Jesus' birthday next to the Winter Solstice was a stroke of genius, and incorporating that sexually-fanatic fertility rabbit into the Resurrection did the job.


All-Saints

Do you know who the hell any of these people are? I certainly don't.

Basically, the religious eqivalent of Presidents Day.


Now such a switcheroo might sound good on paper, when it comes down to it, they didn't really think it all the way through. There was one gapping hole in the plan.

Hee hee, gapping hole. Sorry, Halloween brings out the five-year-old in me.

Bat Boy

The Id.

Back to the subject. When pitting a well-established pagan harvest festival meant to keep evil spirits away with a church service honoring dead holy men not important enough to earn their own holidays, which do you think it going to be victorious. Indeed, to this day we honor not the least favorite of God's elect, but ghosts, monsters and the rampant Id we hold in chains during the rest of the year.




File:Mardi Gras flasher.jpg

The only saints the masses care about are the New Orleans Saints and their recent miraculous comeback.

This, of course, is even more depressing to Catholics, since anyone having a good time in Nawleans is a reminder of their other failed holy day eve, Mardi Gras. Sure, the plan was to let the people get the hedonism out of their system before the season of Lent, but the people merely responded, "Yeah, we'll just enjoy Fat Tuesday and then you can kiss our Ash Wednesday".

What really sucks for the Catholics is that Mardi Gras and Lent were one of their few original creations, without any pagan swindling. The other original holiday being St. Patrick's Day, the day honor the man who brought Christianity to Ireland and helped wipe out paganism to begin with. Now even that holiday has devolved into an excuse to drink off-coloured alcohol and belittle the Irish with cheap steroetypes. Of course, since little kids are now worshiping Lucifer in exchange for Kit-Kat fun sizes, the Holy Mother Church only has limited sympathy for the pasty drunken bastards.

Not that being a neo-pagan in this day and age is much better.


Not to mention to annoying obligation of correcting everyone who pronounces it SAM HANE instead of the proper Irish Gaelic SHAVNAH.

Samuelhain

Keep Sam out of Samhain.

In the end, interpretting Halloween as a religious holiday is not to worst way to go about it. Considering the freedom of religious practiced is a protected civil right, you could try to take a three day vacation during the Hallowmas. There has to be an ACLU lawyer somewhere that would take your case. Bonus if you're Mexican and want to milk this "Day of the Dead" thing.

Meanwhile, it could potentially be better to be a pagan in this situation. Considering the Autumnal Cross-Quarter is actually November 6th, you could attempt to knock an entire week off in order to celebrate Samhain. It wouldn't hurt to try. If the Jews can do it for Chanukah, you can do it for Challoween. Sorry, Samhanes.

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