User:Kip the Dip/UnNews:Jewish scientists clone first human
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1 December 2010
JERUSELAM, Israel -
Construction starts this week to commerate the festival of Chanukah, in which the Jews celebrate the redication of Second Temple in 165 B.C.E.
Rumor has it once finished, the foretold Jewish Messiah will be revealed, followed by a new era of peace and God's absolute reign on earth. Fundamentalist Christians worldwide, however, believe this is a setup for the Antichrist.
One such believer is . is author of the best-seller The Jews Did Everything.
Why did they choose this time to do it?
- The Jews, of course, invented Chanukah specifically for this occasion in order to ruin Jesus' birthday.
Who's behind all this?
- Yes, Hollywood.
- David Lee Roth, along James Caan, Kirk Douglass, and the late Dinah Shorah . I saw them meet at the Carnagi Deli with Bowser from Sha-Na-Na and Arthur Fonzarelli. This is just one of the many favorite spots for Zionist meetings. Another is aboard the Starship Enterprise with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock.
- At one point in my research I thought that old wealthy banker Ebaneezer Scrooge was also in on it, but then I heard he gave most of his fortune to charity. Very un-Jewlike. Luckily, I found more than enough evidence for all Three Stooges.
- I've discovered the very center of this celebrity cabal, and it isn't Kevin Bacon. It's Paul Newman and Goldie Hawn.
Why Paul Newman and Goldie Hawn?
- They're the most genitically superior Jews on earth. To fool the world into submission, you need a fine lookin' Jew!
Aren't they both actually half-Jew?
- Ah, you've done your research! Very good. These Jews are very crafty. It's always good to keep track of who has even the tinest amount of Jew blood.
- Yes, . This bastard child is a half-breed, conceived and born in the most unnatural way.
Couldn't one use those words to describe Jesus?
- Uh.. Technically I guess that's true, but Jesus is Jesus.
When the Antichrist comes to power, will the world end all at once?
- One day of Apocalypse? Hell no! We have seven and a half crazy years!
Any advice for our readers?
- Everyone should stay calmukah. There's no need for alarmukah. Just load up on firmarmukahs. Don't listen to Obamakah, and for the love of God, don't ever, ever celebrate Chanukah.
Thank you for your time, and Happy Holidays.
- It's "Merry Christmas", buttwipe! Er, I mean, a very Merry Apocalypse to you!