User:Kip the Dip/The Wonderful World of Dildo
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
If you thought a dildo is a dildo is a dildo, and their principle uses includes only grating cheese, huffing kittens, smashing skulls, blowing up cities, grating cheese, huffing kittens, pounding pussies, and blowing up cities, then think again. Here comes some insightful thoughts into what dildos are.
I Y My DILDO
Often misinterpreted as
I Y the ASSWIPE
You have two choices - read the following dongs or stuff it up yours. Since, only you have a clear vision of your orientation, you are free to choose either, neither or both. If you are not satisfied by the offensive stuff here, then poke your sorry nose into Celebrity Roast .
edit The Dildophone
The Dildophone is a common Scottish instrument, derived from the common dildo. There are many ways of playing it, but the most common is to blow directly into it. For more information on the Dildophone, visit its article.
Also, read about the famous Craig-Tara Dildophone Folk-Band
edit Dildos in Wartime
The first use of a dildo as a weapon was in the Civil War of 1984. At the urging of Colonel Custer, it was adopted as the primary weapon of The South for the majority of the war. In addition to it being used as a close-combat weapon, it was also adopted in espionage missions, succeeding in demoralizing the enemy and kill them efficiently and silently, despite some moaning. The use of the dildo as a weapon is one of the main concepts of Confederate ideology, with many redneck using it in their war against America.
edit A Statement of Truth
Gwen Stefani thinks that dildos are just bananas. She has told CNN that she takes one dildo a day for breakfast ("A dildo a day keeps the dicks away"). She also said, African dildos are the best, because they are so full of vitamins ("That nigga cock sucka, muh like to fucka"). This confusion between bananas and dildos is identified by the practitioners of Psychiatric Mysticism as the mysterious Peeling Syndrome. Some believe, Peeling Syndrome has spread like an epidemic in the Velvet Underground.
- Other Groundbreaking Statements by Gwen Stefani
- You are never alone, because the Big Brother is watching you.
- Michael Jackson is a Martian cursed by the Black Witch to endure a human existence. His brother goes by the name J'onnn J'onzz.
- I never understood quantum mechanics. I think it is a lot of bull. Had it been discovered by a hot blooded Californian it would have made more sense, and would have tasted better too.
- Is that my underwear you're wearing? Yes, that red one, with lace around the fringe. Can I have it back now?
- One black coffee, please.
edit A Very Dildo Christmas
“Boys will always be boys, and girls will be girls, and that's why I keep two sets of dildos at my place - the anal and the vaginal.”
“I can't afford those morals anymore, since I got a dildo farm to run. I wish the government had some control over the price of morals.”
“One firm dildo is always better than a farmload of infirms.”
“I wish you couldn't afford those Viagra supplements.”
- A short story by the late great Oscar Wilde or one of his concubines
Realising that his wife had been made impotent by reindeer and elf sperm, Santa genetically modified a dildo using gifts he planned to give young children, such as scissors, tape, a sidewinder heat-seeking missile, and some other shit he found in his toilet. This resulted in a plaything for him to use on himself (one wonders why he didn't make an artificial vagina instead, leading people to suspect that Santa was a woman who went for a sex-change operation) He dubbed this plaything the Diesel Internal Lubrication Device One, which he kept in the glove compartment of his 2000cc, 8-valve, V12 engine, quad exhaust sleigh. It was later acronymized to dildo and Santa gives them out at Christmas to all the good boys and girls, leaving the majority of boys very confused. It has been known to give much pleasure to both women and men.
Moral of the Story: Never give unto Santa what is yours or your wife's.
Immoral of the Story: Give unto your friends' ass what you always wanted to give.
- Translated into English from Anglaise by: Sir JJJJJ J. JJJJJJJJ the Lord of 7-Up
edit Extreme flavors of Dildo
Rosie O'Donnell's Dildo is known only to big fat dildo queens. You have to be UBER-LESBIAN to even think about going here. For the sake of us all, this information has been omitted.
edit Bio-Logical Dildos
edit Geo-Logical Dildos
Brought to you by National Geographic and the Playboy
- Dildo is key in Florida, and also an island and a town in Newfoundland, Canada, which is a sister city of Fucking, Austria. Its associates are:
- Dongo (Congo Democratic Republic)
- Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)
- Shafter (California, USA)
- The Climax twins - Climax (Minnesota, USA) and Climax (Colorado, USA)
- Cumming (Georgia, USA)
- Hold With Hope (Greenland)
- Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
edit Il-Logical Dildos
- Dildo is not only a rocket, it is a banana, an ice cream, a type of pickle made from horny cucumbers, and is your father.
- Dildos have many uses, among them are: cable television antenna, toilette plunger, television remote control, nuclear warhead, Star Trek communicator and map pointer.
- Dildo once tried to throw a ring into a volcano. This act of disturbing matriarchialism caused the entire universe to turn inside-out. This is known as the "Dildo Disturbance" in geology.
- Strange lights, vibrations, and sound generated by the mix up of electromagnetic waves are also known as the "Dildo Affect". The Dildo Effect is a partial explanation for the Northern Lights.
- Dildobutter jelly. Dildoscotch whiskey. Dildolights in the night. Good morning, ma'am, would you prefer to have this woody? A dildo on dongs maybe? Thank you very much. That would be sixty five throaty, I mean, thirty.
|Banana | Cigar | Cucumber | Dildo | Dildo of Doom | Dildo plantation | Penis | Vibrator|