User:Kip the Dip/SADS
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
10 December 2013
With that in mind, I will give you my advice: Suck it up, you limp dick Scrooges.
You heard me. Christmas truly is the most wonderful time of the year. You have 11 months - that's 91% of the year - of Not-Christmas to be miserable and boring. This is the one month you should be a jolly elf, and if you're not, well, there really is something wrong with you.
Now I know there are some reading this who will claim a free pass to BoohooVille due to not having any love ones with whom to spend Christmas, but they're full of it. Don't have a family? Go to church. It's Jesus' birthday, anyway. Relatives inevitably die, but Jesus lives forever. You really don't want to get on His bad side, especially during His birthday.
And before you give me that suicide crap, note that the suicide rate skyrocketing during the holiday season is a myth. The suicide rate is at it's lowest during the holidays, while it spikes during the summer months. Yet you never see June taking this kind of shit. If you want to kill yourself, do it during the summer when your pathetic choices won't give Christmas time negative publicity.
While we're on that subject, screw everyone who complains about cold weather in winter. Anyone who whines about the cold can literally go to Hell where it's nice and warm. That's basically my summers anyway. Better yet, you stay here and bum everyone out and I'll move to Enceladus, the icy moon of Saturn, where I won't have to put up with any of your bullshit sad-at-Christmas-and-hating-winter, or anyone else for that matter. Fucking planet of sadsacks.
Finally, I would like to leave you with a pearl of wisdom: A forced smile is emotional deodorant. Cheesy, but true. Not happy? FUCKING GET HAPPY.
This novelty fish is wiser than you in every way.