User:Kip the Dip/John Edwards

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John Reid "Johnny" Edwards and Johnny Reid "John" Edwards were two American politicians from parallel universes. Though both John Edwardses lived very similar lives, their personalities could not be more contrary. This is their story.

edit Edwards in America #1


John Edwards #1, telling it like it is.

John Edwards #1 was the son of a millworker. An honest, hardworking, generous man, his love for helping people drove him to become a lawyer, then a Senator.

In 2004, there were talks of Vice-President Joe Lieberman stepping down to run for president of Israel. President Al Gore asked Edwards if he would be his running mate in the upcoming election. However, Edwards graciously turned him down, saying, "I'm sincerely flattered, Mr. President. Unfortunately, I cannot accept this position, as I believe I must continue helping the people from below, rather than seeking positions in high places."

Edwards continued his voluntary work until 2007, when he looked in the mirror and decided he was finally the man America deserved. By the end of 2008, Edwards #1 was elected president after earning the American public's trust with his proven honesty and strong moral character.

edit Edwards in America #2


John Edwards #2, lying through his teeth.

John Edwards #2 was the son of a snake oil salesman. A scumbag to the very core, his love of lying and manipulation drove him to become a trial lawyer, then a politician.

He portrayed himself as a man of the people, all the while living in a multi-million dollar house and buying very expensive haircuts.

Edwards #2 lost the 2008 Presidential election because the American public could see through his baloney like, well, a very thin slice of balogna.


"Homelessness is the greatest tragedy affecting America. Oh, that behind me? It's just my house."

edit Crossing Over with John Edwards

At first Edwards #2 attempted to manipulate Edwards #1, but they were equally matched as lawyers.

Edwards #2 explained to Edwards #1 how terrible things were in the alternative universe. Both reached a consensus that they would work together to set each other's universes in sync.

edit Famous "Two Americas" Speech

On 2010, President Edwards stood gave a televised press conference with his alternate self standing by his side.

My fellow Americans, there are two Americas, not one.

The man you see beside me is not a stunt double, nor a clone, nor a long lost twin brother of mine. The men beside me. Rather, another me from the other America.

John Edwards and I believe that we shouldn't have two different universes. We should reach across the time aisle and create one universe, a single singularity that benefits all of us.

edit Death and New Timeline

While studying quantum physics in depth for their heroic mission, they stumbled upon the secret of time travel. It was at this point the Edwardses agreed to travel back in time to prevent 9/11. Before they could change the future of America, they needed to change the past.

Unfortunately, the multidimensional Dick Cheney, watching from an undisclosed universe, couldn't allow this to happen, as his career depended on 9/11 taking place. Cheney traveled to the past and killed Edwards #1's millworker father with a shotgun to the face. President Edwards #1 never being born caused a time warp in the U.S. government, thus creating the fourth branch for the Vice-President that Cheney enjoyed during the Bush administration years.

The entire life of John Edwards #1 was erased from existence, while Edwards #2[1] remained unaltered. Back in his own universe, he slipped into the wormhole, but with this time no other Edwards on the other side to stop him from being a jerkass. Edwards saw this opportunity as a blank slate to manipulate the masses once again. Thus, lives the John Edwards in this universe we all know and hate. The one and only.

edit Scandal

Rumors surfaced as early as 2007 that John Edwards had killed the cat of Congressman Schrödinger. The National Enquirer picked up this story, reporting that Edwards accidentally placed Schrödinger's cat.

Congressman Schrödinger could neither confirm nor rebut the story, as he was basically senile. Edwards denied the allegations, saying, "The old fart probably did it his damn self."

In January 2010, Edwards issued a press release confirming the story. Edwards ended up buying Schrödinger a new cat, but the damage had been done. The quantum implications of the death reverberated throughout space and time, killing Edwards' political career once and for all.

edit Footnotes

  1. Maybe #1 now, or #3, or possible even #4. It's confusing at this point.

edit See Also

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Kip the Dip/John Edwards.

The other two Americas:

Of course, John Edwards lives in the wealthier one.

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