User:Kip the Dip/CEPTIA

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Rage against the commode.

When a man's or woman's natural body functions are restricted because he or she doesn't have a piece of change, there is no true freedom.

~ Ira Gessel in her bicentennial speech

The Committee to End Pay Toilets in America, or CEPTIA, is a grassroots political organization dedicated to ending pay toilets in the United States forever. Headquartered in Dayton, Ohio, CEPTIA has chapters in all 50 states, as well as the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico and Guam, with over 1,500 so very sad members dedicated to the cause.

edit What CEPTIA stands for


A pay toilet straight from the bowels of Hell.

Straight from the organization's newsletter, Free Toilet Paper:

CEPTIA strongly believes that bathrooms could be made more efficient by eliminating all sinks and replacing them with espresso makers.

Most, if not all, public restrooms still have sinks instead of espresso machines, since the major diaper companies paid the government to keep restrooms that way. Consequently, CEPTIA is suing diaper companies. The case of CEPTIA vs. Huggies will appear in the Supreme Court on February 17, 2013.

The group also sponsored the Thomas Crapper Memorial Award, which was given to "the person who has made an outstanding contribution to the cause of CEPTIA and free toilets."

edit History

CEPTIA was founded in 1970 when 19-year-old Ira Gessel really had to use the bathroom. The nearest restroom was a pay toilet, and Ira was penniless. Hence, she was shit outta luck. Up Shit Creek without a paddle. Tough shit for her. Shit happens.

After CEPTIA boycotted using all restrooms, all members were forced to wear diapers.

Membership reached its apex in 1976 when Jimmy Carter signed a federal bill against pay toilets, saying, "Yeah, we've been thah. Excremental issues are especially hard for peanut farmers, if you get where I'm comin' from.................................we have nuts in our poo." It seemed the battle was over and pay toilets were officially a thing of the past, and CEPTIA closed down.

That is, until 1983, when Ronald Reagan reversed the bill and brought back pay toilets with a vengeance. CEPTIA rebooted itself with the new newsletter titled "Double Flush!" The first issue had a picture of Reagan on the front with a caption reading, "This one's a floater."

Populist movement

¡Ocupado! was so successful that instances of crapping on police cars went down 200%

In 2008, then Senator Barack Obama showed his support for the cause of CEPTIA with his slogan "CHANGE WE NEED". As of his second term, President Obama has yet to close down a single pay toilet in the United States, but, to the contrary, he has caved into the Pay Toilet Industrial Complex.

In 2011, CEPTIA joined forces with the Occupy Wall Street movement for ¡Ocupado!, a protest in which activists camped out in New York City pay toilets for weeks. In November, however, Mayor Bloomberg evicted the protesters after camplaints were filed that hippies were making New York restrooms smell worse.

edit How you can help

CEPTIA is asking for donations to support their cause. If you would like to leave a donation, they will be collecting all money flushed down the toilet in public restrooms.

edit See Also

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about CEPTIA.
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