a.k.a. Does This Make Me Look Fat? (And Other Perilous Pit Traps You Should Avoid; Results May Vary)
Publisher's Note
Caveat emptor The use of the word "Complete" in the title of this written work refers only to the scope your own idiocy, and should not, under any circumstances be construed as a description, assessment or guarantee of the comprehensiveness of the work itself, or its suitability for any purpose
Available at most leading bookstores everywhere, provided that they're small, independently owned shops catering mostly to radically political activists and not at all the sort of places that stock NASCAR Today or Juggs Monthly.
Since time immemorial — which is to say it's been going on for such a long time that nobody can remember a time before it — women have been asking men trick questions, and men have been stupidly falling for it time and time after bloodytimeandtimeagain. The trick is that she's having a hard time with her college courses and wants to feel a bit smart,,, so Yeah! do fall for it, pretend dumb and get your fair share of the college deal.
Perhaps it's not been since time immemorial, but whoever it was that royally flubbed it up first either isn't telling, or you're all just too embarrassed to admit when it was that it first happened exactly, so it's easier to just not talk about it and discuss sport instead. As an unwritten rule, men only like to talk about other great men. You may not have noticed, but more books have been written about Charlemagne than say, Carrot Top.
In any event, it's about damned time you quit stumbling blindly into the quicksand, and learned a lesson or two from those brave souls that have gone before.
The following questions have been carefully crafted to prepare you not with simply the words to say, but more importantly, what not to say. Sometimes, an attentive expression and a warm smile is worth a thousand words, whereas your own arse-ish utterances are more likely to have you exiled and spooning with the dog on the back porch. Or worse, behind an unlocked door in your empty bachelors apartment watching a hand-me-down 3rd-generation tape-to-tape copy of Behind the Green Door, replete with fuzz, static and picture blackouts from excessive use of freeze-frame.
That daily bucket of Cheetos might have had something to do with it.
Let's see... add 10 pounds for the Häagen-Dazs, 10 pounds for the "extra crispy recipe" from KFC, 10 pounds for your daily double latte with triple sugar and triple cream, 10 pounds for your chocolate addiction, ...eh... what are we up to now? I think I'm still 30 pounds short somewhere.
The 10 pounds was there before I took the picture, and unfortunately, is still here now. And then some.
You need to lose a lot more than 10 pounds to look thin.
How many cameras were used to take this picture?
No, no it doesn't.
Not to you, baby.
Oh (name), you're always your own worst critic.
You look beautiful.
The more the merrier. (repealed)
The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'. (Oh, bad! Very bad. Don't go there.)
I love you just the way you are. (saying less is usually more)
Do you love me?
Here's a noose. Try it on for size.
What you are thinking...
What you can actually say...
Like steak dinners and football?
More than masturbation? Usually.
Only when things are going into your mouth, not coming out.
A pen and paper would work fine too, I guess, though my math skills aren't what they used to be back when I'd only slept with as many women as I could count on both hands and both feet.
Well, as many of them that I could.
I forgot them all when I met you.
I love you. (Run away as quickly as you can.)
Do I look like the kind of person who gets laid often? (Not something you want to advertise)
I thought I loved her, but I was just being immature. I never loved her the way I love you.
scientific note: Women are never happy unless they are stealing a man off some other woman, preferably in such a way that doing it is a betrayal of a trust. Freud was right: they all want to prove themselves by taking daddy away from mommy. It is crucial that she think you have a romantic/emotional history, no matter how obviously absurd that might be.
Are you listening to me?
Listening is integral to success in any relationship. Failing that, work toward creating a decent impersonation — nodding, smiling, and verbal acknowledgements like "Uh huh" and "Yeah" are a good start.
What you are thinking...
What you can actually say...
What?
Crap. She's asked me something again. What was the last thing I remember her talking about? Her mother's corns? Gah!
No I'm not. I'm busy. I'm always busy. And you're always talking.
No.
I'm listening, I just don't give a damn
These earmuffs are great!
AND MANCHESTER UNITED SCORES THE WINNING POINT!!!
Yes. Yes, of course I am. What was that last bit again? (We did say, less is more)
Yes, and you're right. You're completely right.
Yes, and I completely agree.
Uh...Fuchsia Pink? (Fuchsia pink is THE answer to all the female's needs, but do not pronounce it in the form of a question.)
Mumbles. Then she'll ask in the form of "what was that?" then you go back at her with "Now who's not listening, huh? Now who's not listenin'?" on slightly raised voice to make a point to her that you WERE "listening". (Note: This is a good way to start divorce proceedings.)
I love you.
Will you love me when I'm old, fat and ugly?
Wake up! This is a trick question, even the hottest broad (not PC! — Ed.) chick in the world only sees the negative aspects of her looks. Any answer on this one is instantly interpreted as about the here and now. Always remember, removing your tongue with kitchen scissors remains the most viable response to ANY questioning.
What you are thinking...
What you can actually say...
You already are.
I already do.
When I'm old I hope I can be one of those old men that somehow pull young attractive women - I wish I could pull young attractive women now.
What? Eww! Ewwww- No! No I damn will not love you if you are fat and gross. I'll probably fake my own death and live the rest of my life in a different country with a mail-order bride. In fact... where's the telephone directory?
Of course I will. (She'll think of you as a liar.)
Oh honey, that's such a long way off. Let's not talk about such depressing things. (She'll think of you as a romantic liar, which is only a little better.)
I love you.
That'll never happen to you, sweetie. All laws of physics were suspended for someone as perfect as you. (repealed after field tests revealed nobody can get past the first sentence without breaking down and laughing)
Scientific note: For this question, field tests have proven that you can't actually escape it. This is a question beyond the scope of science or philosophy. Being of a scientific nature, the query requires a truthful scientific answer, but the questioner expects praise (which would be a lie in this case) in return. Thus, neither truth or falsehood will get satisfactory results. This is the ultimate question that no man can escape.
What should I wear tonight?
Careful, you may get absolutely lost and not say anything for several minutes... unless you happen to be one of those gay guys who knows every single article of clothing in a woman's closet. But then why are you dating a woman? Get out you poser.
What you are thinking...
What you can actually say...
The other-side of this condom?
Something slutty.
A towel?
Actually, how about nothing?
Me.
I DON'T BLOODY CARE!
A sign that says "Wide Load". And maybe "Toxic Waste", just to be on the safe side.
Anything you want, you look good in anything/everything and nothing.
Uh....what should I wear tonight? Huh? Yeah... How do you like that? (She actually would love to dress you)
I love you.
Do you think I will be a good mother one day?
This is pretty much the point when you should bite into that suicide capsule you were saving for a special occasion.
What you are thinking...
What you can actually say...
Well, I sure as hell ain't gonna raise it.
Fuck no.
I wonder if I can crush the pill into her breakfast?
I knew I shouldn't have cheaped out with that rubber glove.
Please let it not be mine.
This is probably a bad time to say I'm leaving you.
What!? How!? Dammit Woman, you were supposed to be on the pill... I can only hope to be just as good a father.
Seriously - How!? I tied my fricken' tubes for this very sole reason. You'll be great.
(Dont say nothing. At least laugh it off or something. Dont just stare at her as if you can envision a dark and terrible future.)
Publisher's Note 
