User:Kevillips/Loud Computer Voice that Counts Backwards

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Loud Computer Voice that Counts Backwards (LCVTCB) is the sound that most terrifies mankind. 64% more scary than the anticipation of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Before the computer era, the role of LCVTCP was played by the town crier with a sandwich board proclaiming The End is Nigh. Without the ominous backward counting drones, more people were afraid of the dark back then. The dark is still scary, but unlike modern lighting, it requires some sort of T.A.R.D.I.S. to reverse the LCVTCP. Who has one of those.

End is nigh

edit Origin of counting

In the beginning, there was only one. In the end there can be only one. In between 1 and 1 we count. At first people only counted up. Counting up goes something like this:

  • One
  • Two
  • Giraffe
  • Question Mark
  • Seven
  • Nine
  • 360o for one hour, then uncover for 15 minutes
  • Six Million Four Hundred Thirty Three Thousand Five Hundred two
  • and so forth

But Backwards counting is much more like

Much scarier than up counting because with up counting there is no end. With down counting there is only one, and it can be only one.[1] Mothers are known to count up, but announce the end number such as this.

  • Mom: "Don't make me count to four!"

Kids are much less afraid of four than they are of one. This fear of one is hardwired into the minds of all primates, as discovered by Dr. Lekey in that African Place. They only found ONE really old set of bones. In the end there can be only one.

edit Origin of the computer voice

Popularized by the phone company and Stephen Hawking, computer voices are often non-threatening. It is a popular alternative to having to hear how another persons' cats are doing since they went off wet food to dry food, with a little bit of water to moisten. It is well known that Stephen Hawking can talk, but finds without the computer voice editor, all he wants to talk about is his Snuffy-Wiffy-Poopsy-Boots.

edit Together

But pair the voice with backward counting, and the primal fear of running out, kicks in, and terror ensues. In modern tests at the 4H labs in Oxford, Dr. Hawking, had mothers count down to one, instead of announcing their limit with up counting. In the group with the backward counting, the kids pulled their knees to their chest, sat in a corner and tried to nurse from the chicken wire mommy with juice boxes. The control group with the up counting, were like "hey when's dad coming home, we'll just ask him?"

edit References

  1. Assuming all numbers are polynomials and integers and rationals.

edit See Also

The End of Everything
End | The End | End of History | End of time | End of the internet | End of Earth | When the world blows up | End of the world |
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