User:Kevillips/Big Book of Silly Stories
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
edit Boy loses his toy boat
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
22 April 2011
BLACKPOOL, England - All the young boys were playing once school had finished. But one little boy seemed unhappy. For a while, he seemed as happy as everyone else. But later on, something sad and tragic happened. The unthinkable had occured: his toy boat was... gone.
Sean Cooper, 8 and-a-half, was playing with his mates when around 4:30 P.M. on Thursday it went missing. He was playing at the river where the boys were playing with their toy boats. Then around 4:30 P.M., the toy boat went missing. Chief Ron Goodmond responded, "We have a theory that the boat possibly floated way, but we are trying in all agony to find the missing toy boat. Right now, it is our top priority and all the Blackpool Police workforce is on the quest to retrieve the boat. We completely dropped the search for the 3 missing young girls in order to have more agents on the case. People wanting to help can call 1-800-finddaboat to register to find it"
Sean's mum, Karen, said to UnNews, "Well we knew something was missing when he came home. We then thought of the boat."
Sean was saddened to see the boat gone, and took to his room for a while to cry. Sean's father, Randolph, adds, "It was such a nice boat, and it's a shame what has happened to it. I hope they find it soon, I really liked that boat. I'm very distressed, I fear for my sanity"
Sean then spoke to us fighting tears on his former boat. "Well", he sniffled, "I liked that boat, I wished nothing would ever happen to it. I want my boat back."
There is currently a search party going on at the moment. But right now, it is all about a boy...and his boat.
Upon hearing this heartbreaking story, the UnNews staff scrambled to join the search effort. The UnNews will not be publish tomorrow as all reporters will be working around-the-clock in search for the Holy Grail.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
The Simpsteins' is an American prime time show featuring a modern Jewish family in a Jewish town named Schprungfeld. The series was created by Moivich Gronenberg. The producers sued a similar show, The Simpsons, in 1999.
edit Main Characters
Herschel J. Simpstein: Herschel works at a Nuclear power plant in Schprungfeld for Mr. Bernstein, the richest Jew. Herschel is very fat, and since he has a lot of money, he goes to a lot of places, and goes on trips all year round with his family.
Miriam Simpstein (nee Bouvitch): Miriam is the blue haired wife of Herschel. Miriam has two sisters named Paz and Sarah. Miriam is a housewife, and had three kids with Herschel.
Baruch Simpstein The troublemaking preteen son of Herschel and Miriam, goes to Schprungfeld Hebrew School. He is in Mrs. Krabovilich's class. His best friend is Matti Vanhoutenstein.
Levia Simpstein The precocious daughter of Herschel and Miriam, she gets straight A's in school because she works her tojas off, but in Season 11, she switched her religion to Muslim and everybody's pissed at her.
Moishie Simpstein The young daughter of the family, she is 1. She likes to suck on her dreidel and it gets reeeeeeally annoying at times.
Grampa Avihu Simpstein The father of Herschel, he is 70 something and he always moans. He was sent to live in a Jewish old folk's home.
David's Little Star The family dog, a greyhound. Herschel betted twelve bucks on him, but that's okay because they're Jewish, and David's Little Star is such a macher.
Matzo Ball II The family cat. There was originally another cat named Matzo Ball, but he got hit by an oncoming truck containing gefilte fish.
edit Recurring characters
Nadav Fleischman The extremely relgious neighbour of Herschel.
Moses Sizlovsky The local bartender who owns Moses' Bar, where Herschel goes.
Chu Ting Ho A Chinese immigrant who owns the local superstore Schpeedy-Mart.
Mayor Joseph Quimbich The greedy mayor of Schprungfeld. He likes to date blond Jews with big noses.
Rabbi Levijoy The local rabbi.
Krispy the Clown The anti- seminist Christian clown who Baruch likes to watch. Krispy's assistant is Schlideshow Malachi.
Schlideshow Boris Formely on Krispy's TV show, he got mad because Baruch found out he converted to Judaism, so they call him a 'pig'. He likes to try to kill the Simpsteins.
Keshet Brocovsky The news anchor.
Chief Caleb Weinstein The police chief of Schprungfeld.
Benjamin Gumberstein Herschel's friend, who likes to drink Kadem wine.
Lazar Levitch and Chayim Chayestein Herschel's two other friends. Chayim is actually a black jew, one of those that come from Lebanon.
Matti Vanhoutenstein Baruch's best friend. He is a Jewnerd.
Noah Molev The school bully. His catchphrase is CHHHHHHA-CHHHHHAW!
Rueban Weinstein The special hebrew boy. He always says stupid things: eg. "I lit the menorah with my penis ".
Chahem Moses Bernstein The richest jew, very rich. He is very greedy about his money and ownsa nuclear power plant. Oh, did I say he's rich and greedy?
Weisel Shmatheritz Mr. Bernstein's closeted gay assistant. He is hated by Rabbi Levijoy, as seen in the Season 5 episode "Oy! Shmatheritz's Closet Is Full of Levijoy!"
Robin Williams as Herschel Simpstein
Your Mom as Miriam Simpstein
Nick Jonas as Baruch Simpstein
Billy Elliot as Lisa Simpstein
Oscar Wilde as Moishie (sound effects)
June Foray as David's Little Star
<insert name here> as everybody else
edit For Better of For Worse
For Better or For Worse is a Canadian comic by Lynn Johnston ( pronounced Loon Joonston). It has been around for like 30 years. It lost the majority of it's readers when Lynn decided to start all over again.
edit Early Years
Lynn was born in a cold cottage somewhere in Yukon in 1940. In her childhood, she dealt with things like yelling in her brain tumoured friend's ear and killing her, and mooning her teacher and asking her "if she'd like a furry pussy for Christmas."
She then moved to the U.S. and married an American guy. Then after six months, they divorced. She already fucked him, and she had a son. She began to do comics which she gave to 864 cartoon syndicates until Bob's Cartoon Syndicate picked it up.
(Note: These books are for people that hate, and like to laugh at kids)
- Do They Ever Grow Up? 562 cartoons about stinky, sniffly, crying little kids. Lynn was high on coke when she drew this.
edit For Better or For Worse
Elly Fatterson She is part elephant. She is also the son of a mentally retarded cow.
John Fatterson He is gay and he is brothers with Bil Keane. He likes to rape his kids
Michael Fatterson His catchphrase is "ma!" He married a transvestite and his son is Justin Bieber.
Elizabeth "Nizzie" Fatterson She tried smoking pot at age 15, and became an addict. She is also on LSD a lot, so she thinks her classmate, Anthony, is hot. She later married him and they have 5 brain damaged kids.
April "Ape" Fatterson She was concieved when Elly got drunk, and had sex with an ape at the local zoo. She attempted suicide to try to get away from her lame family, but the dog, Farley, saved her, before killing himself. She lives in the sewers.
edit Former Characters
Farley Farley was the dog in the comic. He had sex twelve times, most famously with the neighbour's dog "Sarah Palin". He commited suicide after saving April, by drowning himself. He went to Doggie Hell, because he had a hating for black men, and attempted to kill them.