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One of the games in the Xenusaga series.

Xenusaga is a video game franchise funded by L. Ron Hubbard's dead ghost, in order to entice people into joining Scientology from beyond the grave by making it seem "fun" and "cool". The game was created when Hubbard posessed the body of the president of Namco and had him work for an entire week straight, without sleep. It is apparently his attempt to convert the whole world, and he will not rest in peace until he does so.

edit Story

edit Xenusaga Episode I: Der Wille zur Macht

In this, the first game in the series, the player learns about the discovery of the Zohar, an artifact that Lord Xenu used to trap the thetans shooting out of all the volcanoes he blew up. Some thetans get out and get a hold of the humans and use them to get off the prison planet they call Earth--err, Teegeelack. The game picks up 4000 years later with Shion Uzuki, who decides to build a robot to combat the Gnosis--the minions that Lord Xenu has sent after the renegade thetans in order to re-subjugate them. The Gnosis prove to be no match for KOS-MOS the robot (and chaos later on), and the main characters manage to make it through the game relatively unscathed. Along the way, they pick up a girl called MOMO, a cyborg, and a man in a child's body.

edit Xenusaga Episode II: Jenseits von Gut und Böse

The game starts off with Jr. and MOMO re-living some of the memories of their thetans. Then the main characters chase after the interplanetary Church of Scientology, known as Ormus. They explore the planet Miltia, which culminates in a fight with the Scientology Space Pope, Tom Cruise. They also discover that MOMO carries the key to shut off the Zohar forever, so that the thetans can't be recaptured. Ormus wants to destroy MOMO for this very reason, and claim the Zohar so that they can capture the thetans and put them in their rightful place, currying the favor of Lord Xenu (who will then use his mystical powers to give Tom Cruise a huge penis).

edit Xenusaga Episode III: Also sprach Elron

In this, the last game in the series, Shion re-lives all of her thetans' collective memories and figures out what really happened on Miltia when she was a child. It turns out that Miltia was run by Ormus and that they activated the Zohar to try to purge the populace of its thetans, without them knowing. Of course, Lord Xenu also had plans for the people of Miltia, and had sent his Gnosis army to attack the populace at the same time. The game ends with the main characters confronting the CEO of the Vector Corportaion, who turns out to be a reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard. He tries to reset the Universe in order to destroy the thetans once and for all, but gets knifed in the back by Shion's zombie boyfriend Kevin. Then Lord Xenu shows up and destroys everybody anyway.

edit Characters

Shion Uzuki – the game's main protagonist, chock full of thetans.

KOS-MOS – an anti-Gnosis combat device, and the bane of Lord Xenu.

Ziggurat 8 – also known as Ziggy. He was once a man, but is now a cyborg.

MOMO – a pink-haired little girl, she holds the key to keeping the thetans from ever being re-captured.

chaos – a mysterious young man who is affectionately nicknamed "Space Jesus".

Jr. – a man-boy who likes to play with guns. Also chock full of thetans.

Jin Uzuki – Shion's brother.

Allen Ridgeley – Shion's wannabe boyfriend, and punching bag.

Kevin - Shion's ex-boyfriend, mostly because he's dead. Comes back as a zombie later.

edit Other projects

edit Xenusaga: The Animation

This is an anime series put together by the Japanese Scientology Chapterhouse, closely following the events of the first Xenusaga game. It consists of 13 episodes and is designed to help indoctrinate those people who do not own a Playstation 2, for whatever strange reason.

edit See also

video games

edit External links

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