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“BANG! and the planes are gone!”
“I definitely pwned the terrorists in the ass!”
“The Dick is pissed!”
9/11 (more commonly referred to as 0.8182 among nerds) is an abbreviation of the 11th of September, 2001, the date on which patriotism was invented. It is also, incidentally, Rudy Guiliani's new birthday.
edit Tragedy Strikes
On September 11, 2001, two Arab pilots crashed two hijacked planes into two World Trade Center towers. President Bush responded by invading two seperate countries and looking for two different men. He then attempted to explain this dualism to the rest of the global community, but had trouble putting more than two coherent sentences together. As a result of these events, the United States was split into two opposing factions: Democrats and Republicans.
edit Response and Reaction
Many American celebrities were shocked and moved by the attacks, and wished to express their solidarity with the common masses by creating various pieces of media to cash in on the disaster. The well-known Hollywood movie director Oliver Stone made a highly-successful movie about the tragedy, stating in an interview about the film, "It was decided that Spielberg would get D-Day and the Holocaust, Michael Bay would get Pearl Harbor and Lionel Richie, and I would get JFK and the Twin Towers." The film was the only one ever to win an Academy Award in every single category, including the new award for "Best Total Disregard For Anything Sacred That Might Be Left In American Culture." Mel Gibson also plans to make his own 9/11 movie, in which the full gore of the event is depicted in all its minute, excruciating detail and the whole event is blamed on the Jews.
There were also some non-American notables who wished to show their sympathy. The Japanese CEO of Sony Computer Entertainment, Kazuo Hirai, had some of his programmers put together a videogame about the harrowing events of that day. Here is an excerpt from that game, released on the PS2:
In AD 20-Zero-1, war was beginning.
GWB: What happen?
Powell: Someone set up us the bomb.
Rumsfeld: We get signal.
Powell: Main Screen Turn on.
GWB: It's you.
Osama: How are you gentlemen? All your Trade Center are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction.
GWB: What you say?!
Osama: You have no chance to survive make your time. Ha ha ha...
Powell: Mr. President!
GWB: Take off every F-16.
GWB: You know what you doing.
GWB: Move F-16.
GWB: For Great Justice.
Facts Theories, They're Just Theories
There are numerous conspiracy theories related to the events of 9/11, most of which reside within the internets. The most common conspiracy theories are as follows (this is by no means a comprehensive list):
edit The "Fifth Crusade" Theory
The Republican Party, which is run by fundamentalist Christians, first began to orchestrate the Crusade by pulling strings to get W elected. With a simpleton in office who was easy to manipulate, the fundies knew that they could now get away with just about anything. They suppressed vital evidence and allowed the terrorists to attack, giving themselves a convenient excuse for starting the Fifth Crusade to take back the Holy Land from the non-Christians. They believe that once this is done the Rapture will occur and Jesus will come to Earth for a second time.
edit Faster-Than-Light Remote Control Planes Theory
In the future, some Air Force R&D guys are experimenting with some of the technology from the Roswell crash, that they've managed to reverse-engineer. They install the new propulsion systems into some old 737's and fire them up. The engines are so intense that they make the planes break the "speed of light" barrier, which causes them to go back in time and crash into the Twin Towers.
edit Controlled Demolition Theory
This theory, created by a room of monkeys on acid, postulates that the twin towers were brought down by a giant flying eyeball that shot laser beams. The towers broke open like massive pinatas and showered all of Manhattan with rainbow glitter. The people inside the towers turned into musical notes and blew away on the wind.
edit Gun-Running Giant Panda Theory
There are those who believe that the twin towers were destroyed by a secret cabal of gun-smuggling Chinese panda bears, who have been infiltrating the United States through the nation's zoos, which are notoriously free from customs agents. When Jack Bauer began to uncover their operation, they destroyed the Twin Towers to divert attention.
edit 9/11 In Popular Culture
edit 9/11, the Boy-Band
9/11 is also the name of a disasterously short-lived boy band. President George W Bush is referring to this band in his commonly used phrase "Lessons of 9/11". The band had a strong, albeit drug-fueled, message for America's youth. What that is, historians have never quite been able to figure out.
edit See also
- World Trade Center
- 9/11 (video game)
- Lessons of 9/11
- Quit Your Job Day
- 911 sequel
- Nine Eleven
- The Truth about 9/11
- Twin Towers