User:Kapuso/Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo

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Miss Garci-licious
Order 14th President of the Philippines
(2th Fuhrer of the 5th Red Banana Republic)
Term of office
Vice President (2001-2004) - Some old gay dude who won a wet t-shirt contest
(2004-present) - Some wooden broadcaster who can't speak a word of English
Predecessor Joseph Estrada
Successor Noli de Castro, soon
Born April 5, 1947
San Juan, Metro Manila
Death Now, if possible
Anywhere... I don't care!
“Wow! I can't believe im with JLo, no, she's not JLo!”
~ Sec. Romulo Neri on Jennifer Lozada
“I am Yolanda's sister and i am also responsible for the assassination of Tejano Queen, Selena”
~ Jun Lozada on Senate of the Philippines and America
“Gloria resign!”
~ Filipino people on Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
“Back off!”
~ Mike Arroyo on Joey de Venecia
“Dammit, and I'm the one labeled a slut?!”
~ Corazon Aquino on Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
“Her head's blowjob level!!!”
~ Bill Clinton on Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo

Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo (born April 5, 1947) is the current and 14th President, 2nd Fuhrer after Ferdinand Marcos, and 10th American-controlled President of the banana Republic of the Philippines. She is the country's second non-male President after Corazon Aquino, and is also considered history's shortest head of state; shorter, in fact, than Napoleon. Frequently mistaken as an ewok that didn't quite climb high enough in the evolutionary ladder, rumor has it that the only reason people stand up during her speeches is because she's too damn short to be seen.

Gloria is also known in elite circles as the Mole of Asia because of a hideously abnormal growth on her left cheek, which medical experts believe is actually an alien relic implanted by the Catholic Church. She currently has the job of helping out George W. Bush stay in office (under the table, of course, to avoid the media). She is also known to media and people who are tired of writing her full name as GMA.

Gloria is also knows to gays as Tita Glo (Auntie Glo) while those people younger than her (whatever the height) calls her Ate Glo (Elder sister Glo).

edit Early Years

Gloria was actually born in The Shire before transferring to San Juan, Rizal. She is the daughter of the former President Diosdado "Diosdaddy" Macapagal and Evangeline "Evangelion" Macaraeg. She is fluent in English, Tagalog, Spanish, Esperanto, Quenyan, Antarctican, and several other Philippine and Middle-earth languages.

Gloria earned her Bachelor of Arts in Economics in Assumption College (1968), Master's Degree in Economics from the Ateneo de Manila University (1978), and Doctorate Degree in Economics from the University of the Philippines (1985). These educational institutions regretted giving their diplomas to her when she already applied what she have learned from them in her governance as President that resulted to increase prices of oil, food, electricity, water, clothes, shelter, barbeque, sandwiches, pastries, etc.

edit Presidency

Gloria surfer

The foam of EDSA's urine gives birth, a-la Venus, to Gloria.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Kapuso/Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

Gloria gained the Philippine presidency when she incited mass hysteria known locally as "EDSA II" or "People Power the Second" to remove her predecessor Joseph Estrada from office in 2001. Her plan would have succeeded earlier during Estrada's reign were it not for the fact that she was busy tending to her cockfighting farm on Mars during her subservient stint as his vice president. Immediately after a high chair was installed in the presidential palace, which was sunk ten feet into the river to allow her to reach the chandelier, Gloria's first order of business was to rally millions of Filipinos to get off their asses and clean the urine-stenched mess they made at EDSA that put her into power in the first place.

edit Oakwood mutiny

After an all-night drinking session sometime in 2003, frustrated that they couldn't throw a TV off their penthouse window, a group of Emo soldiers took control of Oakwood hotel in Manila. Knowing of what emos are truly incapable of, and knowing that only emos would ever take control over a hotel with such a gay name, Gloria totally ignored them, and so the soldiers of the so-called Oakwood Mutiny slipped away into the rancid annals of history.

edit Jose Pidal controversy


Gloria's vile enemy in the Senate (and Hogwarts): a warthog with glasses and a business suit.

A Philippine Senator and an obvious fan Harry Potter Panfilo Lacson (known to the Philippine National Police as Kuratong Baleleng) accussed Gloria's husband First Gentleman Mike Arroyo (also known as FG)of stealing money from somewhere and hiding it in a not-so fictitious name "Jose Pidal". Another Senator and Harry Potter wannabe Alan Peter Cayetano is also finding Jose Pidal, specifically in Germany. Unfortunately, until now Jose Pidal cannot be found elsewhere. Maybe he is using the pedal of his automotive or bike in order to escape from authorities. Who knows? He might gone to Hogwars to find Harry Potter!

edit Hello Garci Scandal

Oh, this is one of the most unforgettable scandals ever faced by the Gloria administration. This is actually an incident of cheating that she did last May 2004 elections and it was not proven by authentic wiretapped conversations of her with her favorite COMELEC Commissioner Virgilio Garcillano. According to the diary of the President, she blames this scandal to her Spokesperson and Press Secretary Ignacio Bunye because it is he who started it all. Wanna know how? [1]

It is he who started it all by exposing wiretapped conversations through CDs while the President tries to end this issue by saying "I am sorry." The Filipino people responded, "You are sorry!"

This scandal was also responsible for giving Virgilio Garcillano a new nickname: Garci

edit "Arrovo" bills

Arroyo's second (and most memorable) unfortunate passing in 2005 was caused by the accidental printing of bills with the name "Gloria Macapagal-Arrovo", causing a rupture in the space-time continuum that catapulted Gloria straight into Satan's willing buttcrack, burning her to a crisp. The space-time anomaly ultimately led to her replacement by one Gloria Macapagal-Arrovo, a similar being from one of Manila's existing parallel universes, who currently rules as queen of the Philippines until she schedules her regicide in 2010.

edit Extrajudicial Killings


Gloria a la Kira will do everything in order to remain in office.

Gloria, as Kira 4.0, kills numerous activitsts and journalists using her two Death Notes, named Armed Forces of the Philippines and Philippine National Police. It is owned by the Death Gods Hermogenes Esperon and Avelino Razon, respectively.

edit ZTE controversy

This controversy was started by a son of a friend of Gloria named Jose de Venecia III, son of Jose de Venecia II, obviously, when he started to expose the anomalies in the ZTE contract. Joey, as the senators, media, the Filipino people (just because of the media), his dad (not because of the media), and probably Santa Claus calls Jose de Venecia III, narrates this incident when COMELEC Chairman Benjamin Abalos and Mike Arroyo is bribing for ZTE to be the company to do the National Broadband Network (NBN). Joey is the co-founder of the Amsterdam Holdings which also bids for NBN but turned down because FG told Joey to "Back off!"

ZTE, a telecommunications corporation based in China, is recommended by various personalities, like Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago where she said, "China is the source of corruption in the far east" and various vendors of pirated VCD's and DVD's which came from China. Druglords also recommend ZTE to do the NBN because their imported drugs came from China.

The controversy is also responsible for changing the alphabet from ABCDEFG to ABZTEFG[1]. AB stand for Abalos and FG stand for Mike Arroyo, obviously.


Pulitikong Pangkasinungalingan (Politician Liars) like Mike Defensor, Avelino Razon, and Lito Atienza. They abducted Jun Lozada.

There is another whistleblower in the ZTE controversy named Jun Lozada, a clone of Jennifer Lopez and probably a Madonna fan. After composing music that would kill Gloria, he made his own version of A (H1N1) or swine flu. Here are the symptoms:

  • Crying or Sobbing like an emo
  • Wearing a white shirt with the words "I'm an Emo and I'm lovin' it" in big black letters
  • Dressing up as an emo
  • Thinking that you can moonwalk and you are better than Michael Jackson

Call 911 if you have any of the symptoms. By the way, Jun Lozada is already dead, he was sucked by a black hole.

edit End of Presidency

Gloria can choose below on how to end her Presidency:

  • Resignation
  • Impeachment
  • People Power... again!

edit Death


Last time we checked, this bitch wasn't Gloria. Ann Coulter would never approve.

Gloria has been known to die many times. Her first death was recorded in 1998, when she was accidentally stepped on by an anonymous United Nations diplomat.

edit Try this Amazing Recipe for "Hello Garci" Bars!


Wanna taste the Presidential Booger?


DIRECTIONS: Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees. Mix cinnamon and mint with graham cracker crumbs. Add butter and stir to moisten. Press the mixture into a 9"x13" pan. Top the crust with peanut butter. Top with chocolate chips. Top with coconut. Mix vanilla into the condensed milk. Pour evenly over the top. Bake 20 to 25 minutes until the coconut becomes golden brown. Cool before cutting. Serves 15 (or 20 overly anal opposition senators).

edit Famous Quotes

  • Hello Garci?
  • I believe I am the best person to lead this nation.[2]
  • I am not resigning my office.
  • I recognize that making such call... was a lapse in judgement. I am sorry.
  • Reporter: Do you still have sex?
Gloria: Plenty![3]

edit Styles of Address

  • Gloria Arroyo, pekeng Pangulo (Fake President)
  • Gloria Arroyo, tuta ng Kano (American puppet)
  • GMA is evil
  • Gloria resign
  • Luklukan ng Kasamaan (Full of evil, unlike Mary who is full of grace)
  • Patalsikin si Gloria (Oust Gloria)
  • Reyna ng Kasinungalingan (Queen of lies)

edit Images

edit See Also

edit References

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