User:Kamek98/Guinness Book of Lame Records

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“Pretty stupid if you ask me.”
~ Oscar Wilde
“Nobody else is known for a better or worse record each year in these books.”
~ Captain Obvious on the Guinness Book of Lame Records
“This record is a piece of ass shit fuck! That's why I don't read!”
~ Angry Video Game Nerd on the Book of Lame Records

The Guinness Book of Lame Records, A.K.A Records that nobody could give a single fuck about Book is an annually released book every single leap year that fills about 100+ pages in which not one single person could care about. The book is well known for its great supplement of meaningless records such as how much McDonald's one can eat before exploding, the most masturbation sensations someone had in one day, how much World Series the New York Yankees have won, and the classic highest score on a video game that usually is played on a Katari and shares graphics similar to that of Minecraft; they both suck but one is actually fun, as some say.

Don't get me wrong, I shit you not that each edition does carry around 2 or 3 interesting world records such as first man to simply walk into Mordor, how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood, and sexiest female living; we all want that shit in our pants.


Most world records in the books also consist of some rather disturbing world records. For example, longest fingernails, what the fuck! I find this way too easy to masturbate to.

edit Origin

On May 4th of 1951 (AKA Star Wars Day) Sir Jar Jar Binks went on a duck hunt adventure with George Bush to see a marching band:

He said son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the ugly, the beaten, and the damned?

He said would you defeat them, your demons, and all your nonbelievers, the record that they have broke?

Jar Jar wanted it all. The babes and the records... thus Guinness Book of Lame Records was created!

edit The First Record Broken

When Jar Jar's record book was first released, it was not a hit where as of about -1 billion copies were sold worldwide. Within this four to five page shit novel was about 10 world records. The records included shortest wiener, gayest Star Wars character, most likely to die a virgin, best swimmer ever known to exist, most likely to love One Direction, funniest death in Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, longest time watching gay porn, shortest time running five mere feet, stupidest blonde, and weakest muscles. Ironically, Lord Binks was claimed record holder for each record within the first edition.

A local swimmer and professional pothead by the name of Michael Phelps had soon learned of this record dubbed "Best Swimmer Ever Known To Exist" and became pissed. He sent Lord Binks of Naboo a death threat via hot-mail. Classy.

“I'm gonna kill you. I'm the best swimmer out there! And I got the pot, er, I mean Olympic records to prove it bitch!”
~ Michael Phelps's death threat to Lord Jar Jar Bink of Naboo
“Woah man! Dat shit is good! Now he be threatening Star Wars characters. He is so high!”
~ Potheads on the above quote

Responding to the threat ever so kindly was Binks, who sent a Japanese school girl styled letter via submarine mail and informed Michael Phelps to just simply prove it by racing Jar Jar in a swimming competition at the local kitty pool. Quickly accepting was Phelps, who quickly won the ten foot long by 2 feet deep water event with a time of .69 seconds. The time shorter than Jar Jar's is undefined, because Binks unfortunately drowned quickly after the start.

“Ready! Go!”
~ Jar Jar's last words.
“And I'm off! Done! Jar Jar you pussy! Is that you? Fucking dumbass. Was that worth your life?”
~ Michael Phelps when Jar Jar drowned.

Michael Phelps, current record holder of Most Pot Smoked by A Gold Medalist, Most Likely To Have Had A Parent Bang A Fish, and Best Swimmer Ever Known To Exist, giving his famous quote. Ahh, of course they do Mikey, of course they do.

edit Ten Years Later

In the 1961 Edition of Guinness Book of Lame Records there was about 50 records, though nobody gives two shits, I won't list them. What I will do is summarize them. The first section includes records for parkour, which holds nothing but crap records such as most pieces of paper leaped over at once. The whole entire NBA holds this record, because they all jump equal distance. Extreme distance to be specific.

The second section is given to sports. They include the Masturbation Olympics, the regular Olympics, and the Parallel Parking Olympics. Your brother currently holds the most records for the Masturbation Olympics, Chuck Norris has the most regular Olympic records, and your sister has the most driving tickets record.

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