From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about KWild/Mercenary.

This page is a piece of crap. The author(s) acknowledge this.

Mercenaries are a bunch of people who fight in wars.

edit So they are soldiers then?

No they are not. Soldiers fight for a government and are paid for their service to their state, whereas a Mercenary fights for a government and are paid for their service to their state.

edit But you just said that they are soldiers...

Well, they are soldiers, just that they are worth lots more. See the army contains the ok and bad soldiers, while mercenaries are the people who were good soldiers and have decided to get more money fighting for whoever will pay them the most money. So it is more of a business choice then anything else.

edit History of Mercenaries

Mercenaries have existed as long as war has been around. It is believed that the first mercenary was hired by a caveman called Og. He was a pitifully weak caveman and hired a Neanderthal to fight for him in return for something, we don't actually know.

Mercenary societies grew around renting themselves out for war. When Germans and also the Swiss were not causing wars, or killing themselves, they decided to make money giving people to fight in other peoples wars.

The first change in the 'good soldiers are mercenaries' idea changed during the American Revolution, where the Germans, sympathetic to the patriots of the USA leased their crappiest mercenaries, the Hessians to the British, because they had enough land and it wasn't like they would miss it. Wouldn't they?

In modern times the mercenary is commonly used as the elite guard for various African warlords and such.

edit How to find a mercenary

Because Uncyclopedia is such a good resource of information they have decided to help you out. Just look for this tag:

Merc This user is a Mercenary and chooses their own wars to fight in.

In a profile and send a message. However you should be careful, some countries believe that hiring "mercs" as they are also known as, is wrong and therefore illegal.

edit Types of Mercenary: A Guide for Tyrants

So the basic and most reliable merc is this one:

Merc This user is a Mercenary and chooses their own wars to fight in.

BUT there are other types.

  • The above is your basic merc unit, versatile and strong he is a good investment.

If you find:

DenmarkViking This user is a Viking and enjoys killing, looting and pillaging.

Along with the above then it is a good choice because:

  1. He is hireable
  2. He is a Viking
  3. He likes killing
  4. He is controllable

If you ever decide to be a tyrant, this choice is a good one for say an elite force, because he is good, killing can replace some of the cost of hiring, and you can control him.

  • This is your elite/siege unit; more expensive, but worth the cost.

Variants with:

Gefahrensymbol F This user enjoys indiscriminate pillaging.

Are not a good choice because they pillage indiscriminately. Meaning he is harder to control, and bad for PR.

  • If you are strapped for cash hire these guys, or if indiscriminate terror without the expenditure of the merc is required. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES KEEP THESE GUYS ON THE PAYROLL.

Finally avoid anyone with this tag:

Jihad This user believes that there's nothing like a proper Jihad to ease your pain

These can be considered if they do not pillage indiscriminately, but you need to tread very, VERY, VERY carefully, as one wrong move, say insulting Allah, will result in a fiery death for you. However as a merc they are cheaper and more willing to lay down their lives for you.

  • These are the counter unit for the US Soldier. Can also be used for terror operations.

edit What they need

Mercenaries need a Saloon with plenty of Wine, Women and Song. They have some weapons but if you need to you can supply your merc with better weapons depending on your situation. Housing and food will also be required, but it can't be the crap you would give normal troops. Remember these guys have given THEIR time and skills for your money. They are very touchy.

edit An Example

The Tyrant of the Jungle (not his real name) has tons of cash. He hires some mercenaries because he needs them to fight against the local rebels. He hires five basic guys and three elite units. Because he needs them he hires two men with the indiscriminate pillage ability. He gives them crappy lodging and bad food. The land is jungley obviously but the Tyrant replaces the mercs reliable and proven AK-47's with Vietnam Era M-5's shown to be the crappest weapon in the jungle.

Long story short they revolt and join the rebels. He falls three days later.

edit See Also

Bird hand The presence of humour in this article is disputed.
Humour's the thing that makes you bust your gut, or at least cracks a smile on your ugly mug. Is it here? Or are the authors just off their nut?
Leave your one-liners and wisecrack opinions on the talk page.
Personal tools