UN Fat Project
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edit A PLAN FOR OUR TIMES
GENEVA, March 22/UNW/
The following is intended for immediate release by The GFP (Global Fat Project) in Geneva. For further information, contact Maladroit Detritus, Senior Assistant Lickspittle, Global Fat Project, 41 22 791 21 11 or firstname.lastname@example.org.
edit The ProblemEverybody knows the most horrifying crisis facing humanity isn't global warming or political corruption. It's not ignorance or patriarchy or religion or morality or immorality or more morality.
Global warming only exists because so many humans are too corpulent to walk or use a push-mower. Corruption was born when the founding bureaucrats became so fat that the people couldn't see past the rolls and globs of power to the baked books and white-washed genocides. Ignorance results exclusively from flab; as the Roman historian, Octavio Nullus Flabius, writes in his seminal work, Metaflab and Athenian Decline, “Flabby flesh. Flabby mind. Flabby soul." Patriarchy, as the feminists have been reminding us ever since Simone de Beauvoir's The Second Sex, is all about fat—men as massive as their egos rolling like steamrollers over women, nature, peace, joy, and love.
And religion—with all its morality and orality and whoreality subsidiaries—is simply God after he hasn't moved for over 10 millennia: an overflowing glob of transcendent goo lolling on the divine couch. Desperately in need of a good workout with Lilith or Satan.
Now that we've proven the source of humanity's troubles and the origin of evil, the only thing left to do is to figure out how to fix it. Every problem needs a plan.
edit What Are The World's Governments Doing?
There are things being done, of course. Our diligent governments are assiduously devoting their diverse and complex committee structures and gargantuan purses to this most pressing of problems. Health task forces, anti-toking ads, parks and rec, sports fiascoes, community centers, Olympian bids, fruits and veggies, eat your carrots! munch those apples! squeeze those peaches!
But we in The Global Fat Project, lowly emaciated proletariats that we are (all the best ideas come from the skinny people at the bottom), have developed a proposal that not only would save our governments trillions of dollars, but would solve all the world's problems: we can get rid of fat ... and all its horrible children. Not only is our plan fiscally brilliant, it's also so simple a politician would never think of it. But we're so generous we'll give it to the world for free. We're thin. The thin are generous.
Here it is.
edit The Plan
When a town, municipality, or city exceeds a predetermined BMI (let's say an average of 25), one syllable of its name must be changed to Fat. For example, Sudbury would become Sudburfat, Sudfaty, or Fatbury (we'd let the municipal authorities decide which syllable, on the principle of intergovernmental cooperation).
Fatgrade. Fatkok. Fat Angeles. Madfat. Stuttfat. Edinfat. Fatreal. Tokyfat. Mexico Fatty.
A hierarchy could be put in place. So that if the BMI exceeded 30, another syllable would have to be changed.
Portfat Alegfat. Santifatfat. Fatkarfat. Fat Lauderfat. Minfatapofat. Fatmafatbad. Guatefatfat City.
At 35, 3 syllables; at 40, 4; and so on.
For one-syllable cities, another syllable of fat could simply be added. If Perth had a BMI of 32, it would become Fatfat; a BMI of 41 … Fatfatfatfat—the same name, incidentally, as Ho Chi Minh City, at the same BMI. And in this identity is the plan's genius. The fattest cities in the world would all have the same name, essentially eradicating their identity and decimating tourism—not to mention wreaking havoc on the city's signage and letterhead.
edit It's Real! It's Coming! It's Here!
Don’t underestimate this problem. As capitalism and Coke begin as a trickle and evolve to a deluge, even the Third World will struggle with obesity and Botswanians will roll from toy to toy like Cincinnatians.
The principle our program's based on is at the heart of all human action and reaction ... shame. We're striking at the center of human motivation.
You see. As the Fatfatians become sufficiently embarrassed, they'll begin to exercise. They’ll long to reclaim the name of Denver. Their name. Mental ennui will become a thing of the past. Autodidacts will blossom everywhere. Bureaucrats will be so thin we’ll be able to see into all their secrets and everyone will sufficiently conform to modern society's sexy ideal so that morality will be overthrown.
But Utopia wasn’t built in a day. So, in the meantime, imagine the conversations.
- Where d’you wanna go for vacation?
- How about Fatfatfatfatfatfatfat?
- Where's that?
- Uh. Near Fatfatfat.
- Which one?
- The one about four hours south from Fatfat.
- You mean Fatfat?
- No. Fatfat.
- Home of the Fat Olympics?
- No, the Fatfatfatfatfat Olympics.
- Hell, why don't we just go to Manhattan.
- Maladroit Detritus
- Senior Assistant Lickspittle
- The Global Fat Project
- World Health Organization
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