User:Jonjammin/Teletubbies (the Novel)
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
While many people will have heard of the live action Teletubbies television show for children, few people have ever heard of the little known book on which the series was based. The story follows anti-establishment themes making strong use of paranoid imagery and by association is considered by many to be a particularly dark insight into the secrets of government that do not normally surface. The book slid into obscuirty shortly after publication but has recently been re-discovered and hailed as one of the previously un-found gems of narrative skill created under the communist soviet regime.
The novel is a story which self confesses to be based on fact and follows the stories of 4 KGB agents sent out from behind the Iron Curtain to spy on a growing Superpower, the United States of America. In order to stop defection of these highly trained spies they are given a sub cutaneous injection of an artificially engineered strain of 'Super' LSD that slowly degraded over time leading to the constant inducement of a psychedelic state. The idea behind this being that the spies would then be immune to the glitz and glammer of the american lifestyle. However the constant intoxication with high class drugs has a detrimental effect on the KGB agents leading them to experience physical reactions including numbness, weakness, trembling, and nausea as well as sick and deluded visions. In the end the unit is recalled back to the motherland when it becomes known that the mission cultural analyst, Po has died. The mission was on the verge of being pulled anyway due to the increassing stress of the unit about being followed by someone they continually reference in their messages as "Babyface Sonman" and the fact that the increasingly sporadic reports that were coming back were becoming more and more bizzare with several citing such phenomenon as the sudden appearance of houses in the middle of nowhere bearing strange inhabitants as well as elaborate boat displays on oceans when it was known that the agents were based several miles inland.
In the first edition of the book false names are used to protect the identities of the KGB agents involved. However it was later admitted by the author that he was unable to find names that truly did the story justice and so stuck with the original radio call names of the agents for the reprint and all subsequent editions of the book; (First edition names in brackets after the revised names)
- Tinky winky (Gordon)
The self appointed leader of the group and the only character with significant backstory. Through flashbacks it is revealed that he was once the Russian equivalent of a Navy Seal, however he finds himself attracted to feminine objects and begins to suffer an emotional meltdown as his machoism is slowly replaced with irrational feministic tendencies against his will. Several times during the story Tinky winky will see himself in a mirror or window carrying handbags and once even wearing a pink tutu to his own shock and horror.
- Dipsy (Thomas)
Originally head of recon. Dipsy was issued with a set of high class night vision goggles (an expensive and extremely rare luxury at the time the book is set) as the story progresses Dipsy begins to believe that they are some sort of magical hat that make him immune to derogatory fashion statements which he feels helps him fit in with american culture. This is imperative to his mission objectives.
- Lala (Annie)
The femme fatale of the mission, Lala becomes an introverted obsessive compulsive with a particular obsession for bouncing balls and the colour orange. Towards of the end of the book after the undercover agents have been recalled, Lala is depicted running through fields of orange bouncy balls only to collapse in a snowy field in the middle of nowhere exhausted, bewildered and confused.
- Po (Clarabell)
The youngest of the group, Po originally starts off as a behaviour scientist recruited to aid in infiltrating and succesfully interpreting the American culture. However through a series of twists it is revealed that Po is actually there to make sure that the Undercover agents are regularly topped up with LSD (including herself). The fact that she knows what she is doing drives her to give herself larger and larger doses of the 'super' LSD until she eventually overdoses, crashes her Scooter into a wall and the mission is considered a complete failure.
- Tim Whitnalski
The Soviet Russian contact to whom the group are reporting. He only appears later in the book as a plot device to keep the story rolling while letting the main characters fall into complete dis-array and meltdown.
The book received little recognition inside its home country due to its controversial anti-government nature. One or two prominent figures at the time hailed the book as a valuable insight into the lies and treachery of the establishment and were subsequently never heard from again. The government requisitioned all books known to be in circulation (an easy task considering the books small 200 count first run) and the author fled the country taking refuge in the nearby Finland.
After the collapse of soviet russia many literrary works that had been banned under the old regime started to resurface, of which Teletubbies was one of them. Discovered hidden in a small box under the floorboards of a small church in the town of Inspellgskink the book was found to be the sole surviving copy of the original first edition run, bought by the village priest (one of the authors uncles) at the time it was printed. This copy would then be used as the template for the second edition reprint authorized by the author himself who was able to return from his exile in Finland. Some minor changes were made, one of the biggest being a reversal from the made up call names of the first edition to the call names actually used by the agents.
The book was re-released in 1992 to little international fanfare, but nevertheless accumulated a cult following over the years. However the name Teletubbies would not gain widespread critical acclaim until it was toned down to suit a younger audience in a manner similar to such all time classics as the Magic Roundabout and Inspector Gadget.
Apart from the assertations of the author that the book was based on several leaked documents including transcriptions of the bizzare coded messages that the undercover agents were sending back as well as interviews with at least 1 of the spies involved, we have gathered evidence supporting the theory and the people on whom the characters may have been based:
- Timon Winkston
A known ex KGB agent who spent several years in a russian mental institution during the 80's and 90's. Several documents recovered from after the collapse of the communist regime show that he may have actually served with the Russian version of the Navy Seals. Lack of concrete evidence supports the view that he is call name ''Tinky winky'', as upon his initiation as an undercover spy his military history would have been removed from the records. Further support comes from the fact that Winkston is the only person that the author of the novel could have interviewed as he was writing the book because Winkston was in an asylum at the time. To this date Timon Winkston has refused to confirm or deny the rumors.
- John Dipsimmit
This once well known 'wild man' who traveled the great forests of Russia was followed for several months after the popularisation of Teletubbies by the tv program led to a renewed interest in the book. A lot is known about this man, who was a great trapper of the area and gained respect from locals and foreigners alike. We know that he mysteriously disappeared one day and wouldn't re-appear until 2 years later when a husk of his former self emerged from the woods around his former hometown. he now only replies to the name Dipsi and is known lament at night and croon for his "seeing eyes". While most of this is circumstancial, when taken together it does make a compelling argument.
- Nikkl a'Lamedley
Nothing is known of what happened to Lala but we do know that one a'Lamedley spent a short time in a rehab institute where she was unable to be weaned off of an 'unkown' psycho-active drug. After failures to use the strongest commercially available LSD failed to have any effect she is marked as discharged from the institution. Some stories have her been sent out into the snow laden fields of Russia to find her own cure or die trying while other versions have her being sent back to America where another LSD addled soul wouldn't be noticed among the masses of daily users among the general populace at the time.
- Po Fan Lee
As a supposed member of the KGB and undercover scientist little is known of Po Fan Lee, there are some scientific articles that are affiliated with her, the only remarkable piece of evidence is the admmitance of a fatal car accident victim of almost identical appearance to Po Fan Lee in the area of America in which the agents were supposedly operating, this combined with the lack of any articles from Po Fan Lee after this date present a compelling case.