User:John Lydon/Try Again
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|John Lydon/Try Again|
|Platform(s)||Mac OS X, Microsoft Windows|
Mapquest is a free Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game (MMORPG) developed by America Online in which players control a character avatar within the game world. Debuting in 1996, Mapquest is one of the largest MMORPG's available.
In 2006, An enormous gathering of Mapquest players from around the globe took place in San Bernadine, California to celebrate Mapquest's tenth anniversary. Over 26,000 people, including nine females, attended the event. The audience at the event was treated to a meet and greet with Mapquest creator, Guy LaDouche.
The main story that drives Mapquest revolves around a map given to your character that reveals the location to a treasure hidden in Branson, Missouri. The character must follow the directions on the map to Branson in order to collect the treasure. After collecting the treasure, another map is found, and the cycle repeats. Many players state that the real challenge is that the directions given by the game are often incorrect and take you into several construction zones, where you are forced to sit and wait.
edit Game Play
In Mapquest, players create a character avatar which they control. The character avatar may complete various quests, fight evil monsters, or interact with other player controlled characters throughout an expansive game world. The object of the game, as with any MMORPG, is unknown, though it is assumed the goal is to remain a virgin the longest.
edit Character Creation
The first step in entering the world of Mapquest is to create a character avatar that the player controls. Each character is completely unique, thanks to Mapquest's vast array of customizable features.
Players begin by choosing what type or class of character they will be. The first edition of Mapquest offered a choice of Asian, Hispanic, Hillbilly, Black, or Middle Eastern. For the tenth anniversary edition of Mapquest, the French and British classes were added.
Each class comes with it's own unique advantages and disadvantages. For instance, the Asian class gets exceptional gas mileage, but cannot exceed 25 miles per hour at any given point in the game.
edit Choosing a Class
See Character Classes for a full list of available classes and skills
After a player has decided upon a class, they can then choose a character sex. Similar to class, sex selection offers unique advantages and disadvantages, though not as pronounced.
After race and sex are chosen, the player can then select from customizable options to make their character unique. Choices like hair color and clothing are all available to the player.
edit Starting Out
After creating a character, the player must choose a server, or world to play in. There are currently 7 different worlds active on Mapquest. Worlds 1,2,3,4,5,6, and Radiator Springs. Each world is populated with different human controlled characters. Once a character is placed in a world, it cannot be moved into another world.
Once a world has been chosen for your character, you are given the opportunity to interact with other characters in your area. A pull down menu offers players the option to honk, wave, yell, or roll up windows and lock doors as default commands. More advanced options such as flip the bird, scream obscenities, or text message while driving, become available as players progress through the game.
For the tenth anniversary edition, the option to "Road Rage" was introduced. Selecting this option would cause the players character to brandish a gun and force other characters off the road. Once the other character was off the road, the players character would then come to a stop next to the other character, exit the vehicle, and deficate in the other character's front seat. The road rage option came under heavy fire from critics for teaching bad habits to children and was removed in October, 2007. It was then reinstalled in April, 2008 and currently remains in the game.
edit Game Play continued
The primary goal of Mapquest is to "rank up". Ranking up is achieved by completing set tasks which in turn earn you reward points. The reward points may be redeemed by the player for various upgrades to their character.
Required tasks begin simply with goals such as refueling your vehicle. The tasks increase as the player achieves higher rank levels. Some of the more difficult tasks are dealing with being trapped behind a semi on Interstate, or using a rest stop bathroom without getting raped.
In addition to the tasks the game hands out, the player must also deal with the computer controlled police force. True to reality, the A.I. controlled police force will pull a player over without explanation, beat them unmercifully, and even detain the player for no apparent reason. Other enemies players encounter include traffic cones, highway workers, and women drivers. Players may earn additional reward points if they can figure out how to defeat these enemies.
Mapquest has been the target of scrutiny over the years for many different reasons. Aside from the aforementioned road rage incident, Mapquest came under fire from women's rights groups for the negative portrayal of female drivers in the game.
Mapquest also drew criticism from civil rights groups for allegedy encouraging players to run over handicap people in the game. Based on the in game scoring system, running down a handicap pedestrian would earn the player 75 reward points. Mapquest has since retooled the scoring system and now only offers 50 reward points for each handicap pedestrian.
In 2004, Mapquest sued Google Maps for copyright infringement. Mapquest lost the case when it was proven that Google maps was actually a useful application and not just pointless drivel.
Mapquest was publicly accused of being blatently sexist towards women. A civil suit was filed on December 7th, 2005, alleging Mapquest intentionally alienated females from its game as evidenced by the miniscule number of female accounts (41). Mapquest won the case when, in an unorthodox defense strategy, they set up a Mapquest account in court for a female. The account was instantly bombarded with 18,317 requests for nude photos in just 1 minute and 38 seconds.
Mapquest servers were brought to a stand still on March 17th, 2007 when female player account Hrny&Lnly promised to put on a live cam sex show for all Mapquest players. Of the 13,934,788 current Mapquest accounts, 13,934,784 logged on simultaneously. They were sorely dissapointed to find out that Hrny&Lnly was actually a middle aged man,posing as a female, who proceeded to masturbate on camera.
Celebrity Dustin Diamond, known for his role as Screech on the television show Saved by the Bell, is an outspoken fan of Mapquest. He is also the only confirmed non-virgin known to play Mapquest or any other MMORPG.
edit Full List of Available Character Classes
|Asian||Male||+3 bonus to Gas mileage||-5 to navigation||The Asian male uses his superior math skills and penchant for tiny hybrid cars to gain the most mileage possible from every tank of gas. This is a vital skill which helps compensate for the extra miles the Asian man will drive off course in an attempt to sniff young American girl's panties.|
|Asian||Female||+5 bonus to navigation||Cannot exceed 25 miles per hour||The Asian female uses her steely focus and overdeveloped sense of rage to stay on track. This focus is a two edged sword as it causes the Asian woman to drive at slow speeds. Much like the famous Tortoise, the Asian female hopes that slow and steady wins the race.|
|Black||Male||+ 10 to intimidation||- 10 to vehicle reliability||The black male uses fear to force his opponents into submission. No one wants to see a big black buck pull up next to them at a stop light. The downside is the black male's vehicle is always breaking down due to the fact that it's a $300 car with $5,000 rims and a $10,000 stereo. Looks like D'Qwon needs to learn how to prioritize.|
|Black||Female||+15 to intimidation||-20 to driving skill||The black female is far and away the most feared of any class in the MapQuest world. Her ability to become the loudest and most visible object in any given area is put to good use by intimidating all other characters. Her impressive intimidation skills will have to be employed early and often to compensate for her horrible driving skills. Marred by her incessent need to change the radio, sing, text, do her makeup, and smoke a cigarette simultaneously, the black female's driving abilities are the worst in the game.|
|British*||Male||+5 to speed||-10 Driving||The British male can effectively complete any task with great speed. This is due to his overwhelming air of superiority and holier than thou mentality which keeps other characters from bothering him. His speed advantage is counter balanced by his lack of driving ability. Poor Limey hasn't figured out which side of the road is which.|
|British*||Female||+20 to speed||-15 to social skills||The British female is one of the fastest characters in the game. This is attributed to the fact that she doesn't do anything for herself. Instead, she relies on a team of impoverished stable boys to perform all tasks in exchange for a mere pittance. Her abhorent dental hygiene and Cockney accent contribute heavily to her horrible social skills.|
|French*||Male||+10 to wealth||-25 to strength||The French male is known for his exquisite taste. His large pocketbook allows him to travel in style. Unfortunately, his weak constitution makes him an easy target for black and hispanic males alike.|
|French*||Female||+15 defense||-10 social skills||Like her male counterpart, the French female is free to spend at will. Her lack of hygiene acts as a two edged sword. The horrendous odor emitting from her unwashed body keeps would be attackers at bay but hampers her ability to ask for help or directions.|
|Hillbilly||Male||+25 driving||-30 Concentration||The most gifted driver, the Hillbilly male is inspired by his NASCAR idols to drive at top speeds whenever possible. Unfortunately, the Hillbilly rarely knows where he is going due to his general lack of education and constant state of intoxication.|
|Hillbilly||Female||+15 Social Skills||-20 Driving||The hillbilly female has no problems getting assistance from any male character in the game. Her backwoods charm, slow Southern drawl, and enticing figure make males more then eager to come to her aid. She will be required to rely heavily on her Southern charms because she is a horrible driver.|
|Hispanic||Male||+10 knife skill||-50 money||The poorest of the classes, the hispanic male compensates by travelling in large groups. The group will use it's numerical advantage to intimidate weaker classes such as the British or French.|
|Hispanic||Female||+5 Carry||-10 mobility||The Hispanic female can carry many items at once, much like a mule. This also contributes to her lack of mobility. That and the 6" heels she insists upon wearing.|
|Middle Eastern||Male||+20 driving||- 30 social skills||The Middle Eastern males driving skill is rivaled only by that of the male Hillbilly. Years of driving taxi cabs through crowded streets have honed his reaction time to a fine edge. Unfortunately he has trouble recieving assistance from other characters, because they all think he is a terrorist and will blow them up.|
|Middle Eastern||Female||none||-100 driving, navigation, defense, -50 to all other skills||The most disadvantaged character class, Sharia law prevents the middle Eastern female from leaving the house, let alone driving or interacting with other characters. Why did we put her in the game? That's a good question. Equality maybe. Fairness or something.|
- ↑ MMORPG's are how losers entertain themselves while others are out having sex
- ↑ One of them was almost tolerable to look at
- ↑ Who would have thought
- ↑ The current record holder is a player who goes by the name DarthTater. He was 49 years, 7 months and 18 days old when he lost his virginity to a large black gentleman
- ↑ Mapquest was permitted to restore the Road Rage feature after modifying it slightly. The user now gives a brief lecture to the other character about seat belt safety after defecating in the front seat
- ↑ He has a sex tape and it's too disturbing to talk about.