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You change your status from "Bored and Horny" to "Contemplating the universe..... while horny." You then waste time by harvesting your crops on FarmVille. After a few hours, you receive a new post on your wall.
"Shelly likes this"
You can't believe your eyes. "Who is Shelly? I don't know any Shelly. Who gives a damn! It's a chick!" You spend the next two hours talking to Shelly. Things get hot and heavy, but Shelly cuts you off so she can go to sleep. You masturbate feverishly to the thought of Shelly, finish up, and go to sleep. You wake up the next day and head to work at the local Burger King. When you arrive, the day crew is huddled around that asshole Stan, chuckling. Oh, how you hate Stan. Mister big shot with his fancy letterman's jacket and late 90's Camaro. You think to yourself, "Oh, look at me. I'm Stan, the third string quarterback, and I passed the 10th grade on my first try."
Eventually, curiosity gets the better of you and you decide to investigate. "Alright folks, these burgers ain't gonna cook themselves. What is so important here." The room falls silent. "I mean it! Someone tell me what's so funny or I'll write you all up" you say, hoping no one realizes you don't actually have the authority to write anyone up. Slowly and without a word, Stan hands you his phone. It's an i-Phone. You want to scream. "Stan is so awesome! I hate him!!!" You think to yourself. Looking at the screen, you realize what the joke is. Stan has been showing everyone your heated sexual conversation with Shelly from last night. "You bastard!" You scream at Stan. "How dare you hack my account!" Stan sheepishly shakes his head no. You pause for a moment. "Then you hacked Shelly's account!" Again Stan shakes his head no. This time fighting off the urge to laugh. "Then that means that... you..... are.. Shelly?" Stan, and everyone else, begin to laugh uncontrollably. "Oh God. I'm gonna be sick" is all you can manage to say before rushing out of the restaurant.
You immediately rush home and run up to your room crying. Distraught over the thought of masturbating to your archnemesis Stan, you hang yourself with your extremely large belt. Your mother finds you several days later. She promptly converts your room into a wet bar.