User:Joe9320/UnReviews:The Legend of Zelda- The Original Game from 1986
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edit The Game that Started it All: The Legend of Zelda
For the UnReviews Retro Review, I am going to review the game that started it all that have spawned several successful games of the same name: The Legend of Zelda, also known as TEH HYRULE FANTASY ゼルダの伝説 (Za Hairaru Fantajii Zeruda no Densetsu). The game was set in a fictional land called Hyrule with the whole game revolving around some boy with long sideburns named Link, a princess named Zelda, and a pig named Ganon. The game was originally released as a disk for Japan's Fannycom Disk System, what the Japanese considered to be a piece of shit as it can be easily copied to any disk format. You can type the name "ZELDA" on a save file and it takes you to a second adventure. Anyway, Link has to collect the little triangle things called the Triforce, which had been broken in eight pieces.
When I was reading the manual, the manual was very confusing when the Pol's Voice descrpition said that they hate noise. I tried using the flute, but it didn't work, so instead I have to chop that shit down with a sword. I later discovered that the Japanese NES (or the Famicom- Family Computer) has a microphone that was removed in the U.S. version. But enough of the crap, and let's move on to some of the best stuff about The Legend of Zelda.
edit The Basics
At the beginning, you play as Link. The whole game is played overhead as if you are God. In the following sections, I am going to describe the levels in this game. I bet there's going to be Princess Zelda the 1,000,000,000th on the Super Wii by the time I finish this game. I noticed that when I got 255 "rubies", I can't carry anymore. You also have to find treasure that can help you while you are playing the game.
edit Level 1-8
Easiest level, but to me it was hard. I was killed three times before being able to defeat the dragon and get the first Triforce piece. The dungeon music was pretty cool too. After I got my first Triforce piece, I was suprised, and said, "Holy shit, I did it! Oh my God! I did it!" And the rest is history. I still can remember the time when I beat Level 1 for the first time back in 1988.
The second level in the series, I had trouble with at first. After collecting the first piece of the Triforce, I went north and entered a monster's mouth thingy which is the entrance to the second dungeon. I went in and there are these snake things called "Ropes". Who would call these snakes "Ropes"? Ever since Snakes on a Plane came out, I associated Ropes with Snakes.
There are billions of them. Fucking billions. When I entered the dungeon for the first time, I had not known that you can go through shortcuts by having Link throw bombs. At that time, I just kill enough enemies to collect keys so I can go unlock doors to get items such as maps. By the time I had reached the final room, I was faced with a rhino, in which they call it a "Dodongo". I tried hitting the Dodongo with the sword, but it didn't work.
I was thinking, "Come on, you motherfucker! Die, bitch, die! Shit! I couldn't even use the sword!" Then I remembered what the Old Man said. Instead, you have to throw bombs, because "Dodongos dislike smoke". I throw as many bombs as I could, but that coward kept moving. Soon I was up to the last bomb. I threw the bomb, and the Dodongo was stunned. I just attacked that shit with a sword, and it died. Now I went to the Triforce room and I got the second Triforce piece.
I went down to Level 3, and this time, the dungeon is in a different color: green. Green becasue I'll be puking if I lose. Again, as usual, I picked up some keys, bombs and Rubies. And you know it, the whole dungeon is filled with Darknuts. By the time I reached the room with the basement, there are seven fucking Darknuts. The basement has the raft, and I need the raft or I won't be able to sail the whole stretch of the goddamn water. But hey, it doesn't fucking matter. After several dungeons, I finally got the map, and- holy shit, what the fuck? The dungeon is in the shape of a swastika! What Nazi bastard design this dungeon anyway? I looked up the guide, only to find that it's called a manji. And what the hell is a "manji"? A Japanese word for vagina? They just put a swastika. What would the Jews say if that happened today? How in Link's shit did they manage to pass that through? And is this game created by some sick Nazi who lived in Brazil after the Second World War ended?
And now, I had gone to the final room. The monster is totally fucked. The monster looks like if it had been designed by some 12 year old kid with Down Syndrome with four mouths that looked like Pac-Man. And it is difficult to defeat this shit. Bombs are my only way out here. I blew it all up, and then I finally got the third Triforce piece.
edit Level 4: Snake (or Muthafuckin' Snakes in this Muthafuckin' Dungeon)
After that battle, I went to the next level- the Snake. I started to associate the level with Snakes on a Plane, basically because it is obviously shaped like a snake, and hence the subtitle, "Muthafuckin' snakes in the Muthafuckin' Dungeon". Again, we face the same monster as the Level 3 boss- but it is the boss before the Level 4 boss.
edit Level 5: Lizard
edit Level 7: Demon
Welcome to Level Hell everyone. Oh wait, that's the final level. I felt like that in the same way the first time I played that game. At that time, I didn't realised that Level 9 is like Hell, and I assumed it was only because the level was shaped like Satan's head.
edit Level 8: Lion
edit Level 9
Ohohohoho..... Death Mountain. This is going to be tough. Now that Link has a lot of Hearts (or Life), it's time to defeat Ganon and turn him to ashes. I later realised that the maze in Level 9 was confusing. I was going around circles until I got a map. This shows how difficult it is to go around in Death Mountain. The map was in a shape of an actual skull, with the final boss at the centre. Could it be Ganon?
edit My Final Thoughts
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's UnReviews series. See more UnReviews
This subject is 5 out of 5 stars!
That's orgasmically excellent!