User:Joe9320/UnBooks:Guide to Public Toilets of the World
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“Public restrooms are a veritable wasteland of desperation and diarrhea. Everyone who has ever used a public restroom knows what to expect to find. Anyone who has not used one is a weirdo, and is one of the six luckiest people on Earth.”
Thank you for buying this useful guide on public toilets, written by me, Colin the Plumber. My friend, who worked at Cracked writing articles for that damn website, and I had known him since high school, wrote something about public toilets after a three year trip around the world looking at different toilets and the conditions of the toilets, including consultation from me. After his work got published, I decided to create a guide for those who either has no internet, does not like the internet, hates Cracked.com with a passion and comes to Uncyclopedia, or those who are too lazy to look his article up on the internet.
But, enough with the introduction and my life story. Public Toilets, or Public Restrooms, or WCs, or Public Loos, or whatever you call them, are dirty, horrible places. Very dirty. Very, very dirty places. In fact, the belief that "women's room is cleaner than the men's room" edges towards the mythos; women's rooms are as dirty as men's toilets (a colleague of mine who cleans them says that the women can have a tomboyish streak and do the crazy things that men do), and this guide will explain why and how public toilets are among the world's most dirtiest places, followed by slums, rubbish tips and handbags.
In fact, let's start off the guide on what the hell is lurking in the public toilets, why the toilet paper is everywhere on the floor and why there are pee stains on the sink. But first, the thing that we like to call, the Ten Commandments of public toilets.
edit Ten Commandments of the Public Toilet
The following things are considered as inappropriate and prohibited in Western society, and therefore the behaviours are an abomination:
- You shall not urinate on the floor whilst facing the urinal. You should urinate only on the urinal or toilet and not anywhere else.
- Before urination, if you are far away from the urinal, stand closer, as it is much further than you think the urinal is.
- You shall not urinate on the floor facing away from the urinal.
- You shall not dress up in your disco suit, and while finding yourself that you cannot unzip the trousers, urinate standing on only one leg.
- Breakdancing in the toilet whilst urinating is not tolerated.
- Defecation of the urinal is an abomination in the eyes of the public. Defecation of the urinal may be funny, but for those who wanted to use the urinal, a major inconvenience.
- You shall not defecate on the urinal, urinate a few inches short of the urinal and bury your head in your own faeces.
- You shall not defecate on the urinal and vandalise the wall with your turdfitti, especially that of Nazi swastikas.
- You shall not defecate on the urinal and fling your faeces on your neighbour.
- You shall not defecate on the urinal, smudge the faeces on your neighbour, your neighbour's wife, your neighbour's children, your neighbour's ass or anything else that is your neighbours', and then urinate on the floor into a puddle of your own urine.
edit What do Public Toilets have anyway?
So, <insert name here>, you have wondered what is lurking behind the public toilet, right? According to the guys at Cracked, 110% of all defecations on the toilet are diarrhoea. The main causes of diarrhoea include the consumption of , Mexican food, Indian food, any food that contains copious amounts of chilli or chilli-derived products, White Castle burgers and excessive use of laxatives. Although my colleagues from the plumber's union told me not to use the gas station bathroom under any circumstances, it is absolutely OK to use them so as long as you are either a truck driver that needed a spleen bursting shit due to the Mexican food, on fire because you burn yourself or someone else burns you, or running away from a massive hoarde of zombies in a zombie movie.
Broken toilets are a massive occurrence in a public toilet. They are rarely denoted with an "Out of Order" sign. When a crazy sociopath or a member of the Sewerside Bombers bring a crowbar and smash the living shit out of the innocent toilet, a large backlog of diarrhoea, faeces, urine and toilet paper clog the pipes, or a fat guy made an explosive fart that covers everywhere within a three-mile radius, the toilets are considered as broken, leaving the next person with a spleen-shattering need for a shit hopeless. A strike by the toilets in 2008 had lead to a spike in clogged and vandalised toilets, especially during the International Year of the Toilet. Worse still, you could be shitting on the floor and contract horrible diseases like typhoid fever, especially with the people around you that are not only shocked, but will also get sick from typhoid because you shat on the ground. Like an animal. 
Any faeces laying anywhere but on the toilet bowl is hazardous. They can be found on the floor, smeared across the walls, on the sink or even lurking inside your toilet tank where you use that toilet. As my late grandfather told me, "If your stool is on the floor, you're out the door". And I am very disappointed that some people are completely retarded on where to put their stools. The guys at Cracked think that they are deviant when they lay stools around, but really, I think that they are either damn drunk or damn dumb. My friend who is also a janitor had sleepless nights every time when he sees shit spread across the floor, on the walls and on the sink. So please, do not, I repeat, do NOT lay stools anywhere but on the toilet bowl. You look either drunk or retarded if you do.
Graffiti and Hieroglyphshits, also known as turdfitti
edit Types of toilets
You should note that not all toilets are equal. Some are more equal than others, and some may have problems using one toilet because they were accustomed to the other type of toilet. For example, I once found a lot of footprints on the toilet seat when I was cleaning them at an airport in New York, meaning that the person is not accustomed to the toilets we Americans use. The first rule of the porcelain throne is to not use it as a squat toilet. Leaving footprints on the toilet seat can only lead to toilet users becoming human UFOs- hovering over the toilet seat.
Sometimes there are toilets where there is simply a hole in the ground where you have to squat down. This is often very uncomfortable unless you are Asian or African, and chances are that you end up having crap on the floor instead of the hole.
- ↑ And want to hit my friend on his head very hard with a glass bottle.
- ↑ And in other societies where they use public toilets
- ↑ This is the golden rule of urination: the one that has been expressed over centuries.
- ↑ Or "feces" for the Americans.
- ↑ In fact, floor turds are a result of broken toilets.