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Zelda - Princess of Hyrule and the dumb cow Link has to rescue all the time. He should get a new job because all she does is cockblock him. The series is named after her despite the fact all she does is get her ass kidnapped every game she's in, usually by Ganondorf, not to mention that she is always the character that makes the least number of appearances. The Legend of Plot Device would be more accurate. Attempting to make her look like a strong, independent princess is usually a big waste of time on the creators' part: in Ocarina of Time and SSBB she can apparently turn into a man named Sheik, but this never helps Link and she gets pwned and abducted anyway. In The Minish Cap, she possesses the light force--a shitload of magic--but gets turned to stone anyway. Holds the Triforce of Wisdom, meaning all she does is speak in poetic riddles instead of getting to the damn point. She is decent fapping material ONLY in "Twilight Princess" for Nintendo's recent graphics update: To enjoy her otherwise, you need to have a weird fetish or be a pedo.
We need to make the entire article based on the premise that Zelda gets being kidnapped but has the strength to destroy Ganon when in fact the truth is that Zelda made deals with Ganon to be locked in because she isn't fond of Link enough.
“You'd think by now she'd put a restraining order on that asshole.”
“You've got to be kidding me!”
“She's a hot android. No wonder Link likes saving her. Unlike treasure, he figured he'd get a little sumim-sum ^.^”
“How come Link gets to bone her every day while I've been a virgin for 7 Years?!”
“Isn't that the one bitch from Sabrina? ”
Her Royal Highness Princess Zelda (born 24 May [[1932|1965]) is the princess of the Kingdom of Hyrule and a transvestite with two known forms, entitled Man-Mode and Kick-Ass-Crossdresser Mode (Sheik). Although she is portrayed as a helpless young maiden by posters circulating across Hyrule, in reality she asks to be captured by Ganon, Demise or whoever the main enemy of Link is. Link is lured into Zelda's castle and then get captured by her enemy, which turned out to be also Zelda's allies.
Zelda was born to Shigeru Miyamoto on February 21, 1986. Throughout her preschool years, she was noted to have quite a bit of leadership in her. Her older siblings, Tingle and Mario, have also noted that their father seemed to like her more, but she didn't notice that at all. No, she was a humble little bitch... anyhow, she flew through school with flying colors, and was at the top of her class.
Zelda often enjoys being captured by evil villians and taken to their lair, with a purpose to do their bidding. Link often mistakes these sexual] fantasies as a cue to save her and often does so ruining her sex life, and making Ganondorf leave her because "There's just too much baggage".
She then resorts to other methods such as whoring herself to strange men and raping herself.
It's also an very unknown fact that Zelda invented the strap-on dildo for the Empire of Hyrule. Link's sword just didn't friggin cut it. So with deku stick and two deku nuts, she created the favorite invention of whores looking for attention. 
edit Zelda's Relationship with Link
Link has a very depressing life. He is forced to go on adventures and save the world without even being allowed a say in the matter. Once he was asked by a busty mermaid "Could you accompany us and defend our carriage?", and before he could reply "No. Defend your own carriage, bitch!" she had already said "OK, then meet us outside".
He chose not to just to walk away when he found out the evil villain was afflicted with the AIDS, and so he decided Ganondorf's freakish pubic hair must be licked to end humanity and the disease could be allowed to spread.
He then goes upon a quest to find the master sword which can only be pulled out of the stone by the manliest of men, so Link called up his good friend Chuck Norris and thus with their powers combine they managed to eradicate Ganon and also travel through time to abort the respective fetuses of Stalin, Hitler, and Britney Spears.
It's been a torrid affair, since childhood in fact, and when things get boring Zelda lets herself get captured by power mad despots. Link would always go out to save her, battling his way through dungeons and hordes of monsters leaving deep emotional scars every time. Zelda would repeat this cycle every time she bored, spanning several dozen games. More recently, Zelda has stopped this, and her and Link's life has become more mundane. Link has filled the empty void of rescuing Zelda by playing mean-spirited tricks on her. Such as sending a thousand pizzas to her house, or putting her hand in warm waterwhile she sleeps, and releasing rabid badgers into her room, and paying Ganondorf to rape her while she is sleeping (She probably loves that cock anyway.). To get back at Link, Zelda would get captured again forcing Link to save her, thus stating the cycle all over again. She loves Ganon's huge massive brown cock.
"Well EXCUUUUUUSE me, Princess. - Link to Zelda.
But don't get me wrong, this so called princess is a great lay. Why else would link keep stomaching her bullshit of being captured on what seems to be a daily basis? She does this thing with her tounge that getsyour master sword (penis erection) ready for action. (As for the Triforce special, it involves you, her, and a certain munchkin from The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess)
edit And Thus She Didn't Conquer The World
Shigeru Miyamoto's single order to Zelda was "Go forth and subdue the world in my name!" As per his decree, Zelda lead the combined forces of Nerds and Emos against the last outpost of Rebel Alliance: the Microsoft Corporation. After many long days of fighting and much deadly eye-beaming, Princess Zelda managed to Macgyver a titanic armed Tickle Me Elmo, piloted by an elite team ofEwoks. The Elmo-zilla smashed the entire Microsoft Fortress into the ground with a giant Blue Screen of Death as Bill Gates sat around and cried. Five Fuckers in the egg!
edit Life in Retirement
Zelda returned home a conquering hero, and was forcefully kidnapped to perform royal duties. To this day Zelda may be seen walking around Djibouti, miraculously creating fire from thin air with a Big Mac, preaching to the Persians, and smiting the Heathens and Pagans with her Hellfire missiles and death-ray eye beams. Also she has been seen with her boyfriend Link in porn movies such as "I Eat Cum for breakfast" , "How does his penis bend that way?" and they also featured in "Mario and Peach's Body Swap" (though the results from that movie were permanent). Zelda is now living in a resort with Link in Mushroom Kingdom since Link has learned the power to teleport. All (s)he does in Mushroom Kingdom is get molested by Link and have awesome threesomes with Toad and Link. Daisy sometimes included.