User:Joe9320/Prince (artist)

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Joe9320
Birth name Prince Rogers Nelson
Born June 7, 1958(1958-06-07)
Minneapolis, Minnesota, U.S.
Genre(s) Pop, Rock, Funk, Dance, R&B, Soul, Jazz, Electronica, and New Wave
Occupation(s) singer, songwriter, dancer, actor, culture icon, guitarist, keyboardist, businessman
Instrument(s) Vocals, Keyboards, Electric Guitar, Drums, and 967 other pointless instruments
Years active 1976 - present
Label(s) Warner Bros., Arista Records, Bellmark Records, NPG Music Label
Associated acts Carmen Electra, Morris Day, Madonna, Andre Cymone, and Vanity 6
The Artist Formerly Known As Prince

Freddie Prinze Junior, better known as Prince - the artist formerly known as Symbol, formerly known as character, commonly known as ridiculous unshaven dwarf in gay hotpants. (Also known as The artist formerly known as an unpronuncable symbol so how the fuck do you refer to him formerly known as the artist formerly known as prince formerly known as Prince)



Prince Rogers Nelson, known by the name Prince, or Princess, (Born unknown date, possibly 1958, Purple Lane, Dwarfland/Minneapolis, Minnesota), is also known as the artist formerly known as Symbol, formerly known as character, commonly known as ridiculous unshaved dwarf in gay hotpants whose massive guitar skills are underrated. For good reason.

He used to be a beloved actor, singer, producer, musician, guitarist, keyboardist, screenwriter, sex symbol, and bad boy before his unusual antics and his stranger music made him a commercial outcast known by everyone as "the once-popular midget". He is not a woman. He's not a man. He is a go-between - something that you'll never understand. He never beat off. He never lied. But he'll forgive you, cause he only wants to be your lover, and he loves sex.

It is commonly known that prince married Sheena Easton and put about that he did'nt. He then put a bag over her head and locked her in his cupboard. Prince can play 962 different instruments, and can blow a trumpet with his ass while blindfolded and filling out his tax return. He has written approximately 145,239 songs, most of which remain unreleased because they're shit. He has also written many songs for megastar artists such as Ingrid Chavez, Elisa Fiorillo and TC Ellis. He also performed euthanasia on the careers of George Clinton and Mavis Staples, which dramatically increased his fanbase in Switzerland. He had a band he called the Revolution that he enslaved for about 5 years and then he told them to take a hike because they were all taller than he was and Wendy and Lisa wouldn't let him in on the menage a trois anymore.

In Minneapolis, it is illegal to a) mention Prince's name without being a fully-equipped musician, and b) be a fully-equipped musician without filling every conversation with glowing references to Prince.

He has produced 30 platinum albums and eleven #1 hits. He is known for his dumb genres no one gives a sh*t about, such as rock, psychedelia, pop, dark, electro, R&B, and jazz. Prince was voted #1 as "Best 80s Boy Bitch" in 2007.

Prince was one of the biggest stars in the 80s in music, movies, and culture, but his idiotic acts soon gave him "The Retired Wannabe Has-Been" award in 1998, given by one-time wife Paris Hilton. Prince does not know which name to use, implying he is not only a bastard but he's stupid. So far, he has gone by the names Joey Coco, Alexander, Christoper, Purple One, His Royal Badness, Spooky Electric, and Camille. Which makes him one of the most controversial and loved artists, as well as being reviled by many.

edit Biography

Prince. He was born in the summer of 1958 (ironically, Madonna and Michael Jackson were also born that year and would be getting their butts wiped a few months after him) to a guy who was in a supposedly popular jazz band and worked at Honeywell with five busty daughters that would all outshine his first son in looks, and a stay-at-home white girl that loved to flirt. His boring talentless little sister Tyka likes to draw and watch TV. Both of Prince's parents were "married" before, so at family reunions no one really noticed the cute lil boy imitating Jimi Hendrix and playing a baby keyboard. They soon got divorced, because his father was jailed for 1.3 days for stealing jewels, and his mother started an affair with a male nurse, becoming a pop singer and actress.

Prince was very shy and very quiet and very serious as a child, and had a serious crying problem, often listening to tapes in his bedroom of Britney Spears while talking softly to a ballerina box. Very manly, he was. Eventually, his down-to-the-core jackass stepfather started abusing him and saying no girl would ever go for him, and he'd spend the rest of his life reading under kerosene lamps. He didn't have to say the truth so bluntly. He tried living with his soft-spoken father, who bought him a white beautiful electric guitar and a video game system for his birthday. But... when he accidentally invited a girl over and ended up sleeping with her (very cozily too), his father picked his little ass up and made him beg for forgiveness. Not even magic tricks and crying at a telephone booth did the trick. So Prince moved in first with his fat, religious aunt who claimed she dated Jesus in 1956, then moved in with his only friend, Andre, a boy with no fashion sense who lost it all in the 80s.

Prince showed much rudeness towards Andre by refusing to share a room with him, in fear they would accidentally wear each others boxers, and Prince didn't want cooties. His prim, proper, queen behavior landed him a space in the basement. In school, everyone gave him no sympathy. Damn, he was the punk princess with a German-Shepherd's face. Prince resorted to Playboy magazines to cure himself. Eventually, he, Andre, his cousin Charles, and the very bird-like Morris Day started a veryy popular teenage band, performing at weddings, clubs, parties, and hotels with their funk-inspired anthems.

This led to Prince's extreme popularity in school, and he landed himself with a very sexy cheerleader for a girlfriend, but due to his I'm-better-than-you-and-I-enjoy-sticking-my-ass-in-the-air-like-I-don't-care attitude led him to politely refuse a cigarette, root beer, iPod, or a movie, instead learning 50 different instruments and honing his singing skills. Another reason was because he kept going through menstruation periods, which was very annoying.

Prince's band eventually showed no ambition, and when their tea parties, slumber parties, and make-up parties got boring, Prince dumped them (something he would become notorious for doing in the 80s) and waved his hand, promising them he'd be frikken successful. He met some old English fraud called Chris Moon, who was supposedly from Britain, though Prince would later find in the late nineties that Moon was an Indian prostitute. Prince and Moon got some hot tapes done in a studio with some guy who was obsessed with the letter Z, and Prince crashed at his 32-year old sister's place (hell, he's got like 7 older sisters, all of them hotter than him) and started pleading to record labels. Prince used lies and crime, lying about his age and his sex to get a record deal with Warner Bros.. Other record labels did not much care, as Prince showed in the battle how cowardly and bossy he was. Prince swore to show them. He would become a hit star. Maybe. Maybe not.

edit Start 'o' a Diminishing Career

Prince became well-liked softly by majority of girls when his album For You was released in 1978. It had funky dance hits about love and sex, and he became an-almost teen idol, with mall autograph sessions and parties in his favor. He was getting a little big, and his cute little black button shirt over a gay-ass white shirt and black jeans was hot. Many kids from the age of 12 to 22 attended the conceited parties Prince threw for himself, in which he developed an obsession for purple mist.

Before, Prince was a hot little simple teen idol with no bodyguards and kind answers. But he had spent too much money and extravagence on something that sort of didn't go platinum, so his company was pissed. Prince then took a different route. His self-titled second album was released in 1979. Along with a new image.

He was now a hot arrogant teen idol with huge bodyguards with the names "bitch 1", "bitch 2", etc..., and snooty answers. He started making people go like, WTF with his makeup, eyeliner, girly bushy black mane, pink jackets or glittery gold shirts, bikinis, face blush, and high heels. Pretending to masturbate on stage while performing a song about being a lover didn't make it better. On top of all that, he was wearing hoop earrings and had a scarf on his mic. On to that, he had 2 hit songs and rumors and gossip started coming that 1. he was gay, and 2. he was starting to rival MJ.

Now, a normal artist would be outraged if they were straight and people kept calling them gay, but with Prince I'm-a-little-bitch-who-wants-more-media, it wasn't enough. So he kept his sexuality a secret by taunting people with hot girls.

In 1980, he released Dirty Mind, which was... I guess the title says it all... about incest, head, weddings, and other dirty thoughts in his head. It was a dance hit, as was his kinda stupid 1981 followup. It was all about politics and religion, having songs about evil and Christ and Russia and all. Ah, Prince was trying to appear like a serious, concerned artist. BITCH!

In 1982, Prince became huge. "Little Red Corvette", a rather strange song about Prince giving love in a corvette reached #8 and became an MTV staple. Ironically, Prince was the first artist beside MICHAEL JACKSON (do you notice his name keeps cropping up??) to have his hits play on racist MTV who didn't give a sh*t about black people. "1999" became the funk anthem of the 80s, and "Automatic" and "Let's Pretend We're Married" made girls go wet and boys go "..."

After the highly successful album, Prince put a little band of sluts called the Revolution on stage. He dressed them up in lesbian outfits, doctor masks and syringes, glitter, and makeup. He changed his straight-hair look to a curly hair, and he started wearing frills and chills and little beauty-ass purple jackets. Purple Rain, released in 1984, became so hot that hot went to a new level. Prince was the hot artist, with the hot group, the hot Hollywood movie, the hot hypnotic songs, the hot album, and the hot looks.

Prince had 5 number one hits and became so big that MJ probably cried at home (but hey, who's to know?). His one song "Darling Nikki" which shows him engaging in S&M and calling a girl a sex fiend, made a hugely publicized case whether Prince was a bitch or not. Eventually, his song was banned from radios and ipods, though it was #1 on the chart.

Prince's cocky little ass thought he was a hero, and he started dating Madonna, which was as big as Beaver and Selena are now. Madonna got pissed however because Prince "was an arrogant, self-important, cocky little jerk that smelled like lavender, wore too many frills, and only drank tea." Prince replied with, "That slut sleeps with DJs to get her records played."

Prince then dated Sherilyn Fenn, who was the hottest, sexiest actress at the time. Michael Jackson and he started having dinner at this time, playing basketball (which Prince was supposedly a pro on in high school) and competing for the same blonde beauty. His 1985 album Around the World in a Day is a psychedelic, funky electro release that showed just how stupid he was to release an electronica/funk album after a massively successful pop album. What a bastard!

It still, however, produced the #1 hits "Pop Life", "America", and "Raspberry Beret". Prince was still the sh*t and he was making millions off his shiny blue cape and scruffy bangs. In 1986, he made the worst French love film ever, called Under a Cherry Moon. It basically showed a French man who falls in love with a heiress and goes through drama. Everybody still loved him like hell, and his album Parade, accompanied by a shorter, glossy hair look, arrogant-as-hell smirk, letters to other artists not to maintain eye contact, and big sexy hats finished with black jumpsuits, reached #1 and produced the biggest hit of the year, "Kiss", making Prince a rather unworthy sex symbol and bad boy.

Another clue to show just how slow Prince is. After Sign 'o' the Times (1987) accompanied by his new look, comprising of sweeping colored bangs, colored lenses, sweaters, and peace symbols, had massive hits (ie "Sign o the Times", "Housequake", "U Got the Look") it started slipping off charts. But LITTLE BASTARD PRINCE was too important to try and work with Michael Jackson on his song "Bad". Prince thought that the first lyric was "provocative". And this after he sang a song about giving head to a bride.

Eventually Prince regretted his decision, as Bad was the biggest hit of 1987 and made MJ so famous even dumb illiterate people from who-knows-where knew his name. Prince had previously also turned down the We Are the World charity thing, because Bob Somebody called him a faggot. Another person Prince pissed off is Rick James, who was the self-proclaimed king of punk funk.

In 1988, after cancelling the release of some coveted bootleg, Prince released Lovesexy, which is a spiritual, joyful, Christian album that sold nice copies and made Prince a peace-maker with the hits "Glam Slam" and "Alphabet St.". In 1989, Prince released Batman, which was the soundtrack to some film with the same name. Suddenly Prince was the sh*t again, Batman was #1 and selling over 6 million, he was one of the hottest stars, and everyone was commenting on his longer, wavier Jesus-style hair and sexy face.

Prince almost became the Top Artist of the 80s, but Michael Jackson undoubtedly won the award. Prince was so upset he started his own label called Paisley Park, which is a purple park, studio, and mansion, undoubtedly ripping off Michael Jackson's Neverland. Prince cried and wore the perfume then.

edit Decline to Fame & Some Odd Habits

Prince had some big 90s albums, something about a painted walkway, and one about diamonds and pearls, both of which topped charts at #1 and sold millions. But, in the mid 90s, he decided to be a stupid 35 year old and change his name to a symbol, because Warner Bros wouldn't share the cheesecake George Michael sent him. Oh yeah, never mind, it was because of something like they weren't treating him right and ripping off his birth name.

Prince started going by the name "Love Symbol" or "The Artist Formally Known as Prince", which made everyone dumbfounded at his behavior. Prince then started appearing in public with slave written on his cheek. Prince's biggest breakthrough came in the mid-to-late 90s, when he married SUPER HOT Spanish girl who was his exotic back up dancer, and they had some nice bed time and an adorable baby boy (IRONICALLY he got married and had a boy the SAME time as Michael Jackson). The boy died unfortunately, and Prince almost committed suicide in his goddamn anger.

Prince had 1 or 2 big albums after this, like Emancipation and The Beautiful Experience, though he quite correctly realized his fame would never match up to the golden period of the eighties.

The little ass dumped Mayte and her gold chains and he started releasing music again. In 1999, he became hot again because everyone wanted his song "1999" at their bar mitzvahs, weddings, birthday parties, etc... Prince performed in New Years Eve as well.

edit Prince's 3rd Decade in the Spotlight

Prince has released some killers in the 2000s. Rainbow Children, Musicology, 3121, and Lotus Flower have all hit #1 and made Prince hot in some years as the 80s star, and some other things such as his performing at the Grammys and at the Superbowl in 2004 and 2007. Of course, Prince's odd habits such as suddenly converting and becoming a religious Jehovah's Witness, (basically preaching and being a hypocrite after all he did in the eighties and nineties), saying Islamic countries are fun, ringtones are evil, the internet is dead, and that people try to scam him every other day...

So, even though everyone over the age 18 probably knows his name, we should know him not as the Artist Formally Known as Prince. More like, the Artist Formally Known as the Artist Currently Known as a Snooty 80s Boy.

edit Discography (or as we say, music)

For You, Baby Girl Baby Pearl Dammit (1978) , I Am the Sexy Prince (1979) , Wanna Know About My Dirty Mind? (1980) , Controversially Idiotic (1981) , 19.99 (I Wanna Buy It For Less!) (1982) , The Meaning of Purple Rain (1984) , Around Paisley Park in an Hour (1985) , Parade Charade Ha Ha Ha (1986) , Sign 'o' Virginity (It's Ending, Baby) (1987) , Lovesexy Bad or Pure (1988) , The Bat Man Starts a Threesome (1989) , I Slip & Nearly Break My Face on a Graffiti-Stricken Bridge (1990) , Diamonds, Pearls, & My Mom (1991) , Love Symbol, Now My New Name (1992) , Come (Ha Ha There's 2 Meanings!) (1994) , The Much Coveted Black Album (1994) , The Beautiful Experience of the Mirror (1995) , Emancipation, Which Means You're Running Away, Aren't You? (1996) , Chaos & Disorder (Twas Okay, the Lord Decreed It) (1996) , Crystal Balls (Penetrate This!) (1998) , Rave un2 My Pussy Fantastic (2000) , The Rainbow Penises (2001) , One Night Alone With My Conscience (2002) , Musicology (I'm a Scientist Now) (2004) , $31.21 To See My Face! (2006) , Planet Earth, Which We Are Currently On (2007) , Lotus Flower and MPL Hounds (2009) , I'm Stupid So I'll Release an Album in the UK Only (2010) ,

edit Gender Questions

Prince has been so girly and unpredictable, it amazed half of America how deep and mature his voice was and how "hard" he got seeing the ladies that initiated his "diamonds" to melt. In 1986, shortly after throwing a huge candle-lit birthday party for himself, Prince released "Mountains" (a song supposedly talking of Jesus, and not of breasts) and on the cover art depicted a person whose face was hidden behind a huge pink heart, only their skirted ass and slim legs shown with high heels.

Prince's own parents nearly suffered heart attacks believing it was him. Later, we find that Prince who-is-still-a-bitch just put up one of his sex dancers Cat Glover to pose and pretend it was him.

Prince has released several themes in his albums. Spirituality, religion, sex, party funk, depression, happiness, and love. And occasionally a song here and there talking of random things like elephants, flowers, and April. So Prince is known for good music and suckish music that is so shitty that Michael Jackson probably wets himself when he thinks about it.


edit Girls Prince Has Dated (Supposedly)

Vanity, Apollonia Kotero, Madonna, Carmen Electra, Kim Basinger, Mayte Garcia, Manuela Testiloni, Bria Valente, And a lot more gorgeous brunettes and blondes that Prince showed love to, making headlines. He was a true playboy before his conversion to Jehovah's Witnesses.

edit Prince proteges & band members

Dave Chappelle As Prince

Prince cover artist

Prince likes to screw with people's lives by promising them a career and then deserting them when they fail to do everything he says. Here is a partial list of his various associates:

  • The Time - By the early eighties, Prince was such a multi-faceted personality that to display all the elements of his character, style and persona consistently on a day-to-day basis became completely impossible. To get around the problem, Prince recruited old schoolfriend Morris Day to front new group The Time; consequently the less cool, less feminine and less tasteful elements of Prince were all subsequently filtered through Morris. Therefore, Morris spent the next decade absorbing all the crude misogyny, over-the-top extroversion and bad fashion ideas that overflowed out the top of Prince's pretty little head. Among these included wearing Stacey Adams shoes that were twenty years out of date, wearing suits that tramps would have rejected as a gift because they were too garish, and making comedy bird noises. Morris Day dissolved his relationship with Prince in 1990, after Prince demanded Morris wear pants with an exposed ass, change his name to an unpronounceable symbol, and do a fashion shoot for Versace while wearing five factories worth of makeup. Fine, Prince said. He would do it all himself. He'd show that Morris who the real fool was! SQUAWK!!
  • Vanity 6 - Prince originally wanted to name this band The Hookers, but lead singer Vanity refused. Prince then proposed the names The Sluts, The Semenslurpers, The Cum Receptacles, The Jizz Jockeys, The Placebo Weeks, The Cervixes, The Urethra Off-Ramps, The Dangerous Durfs, The Daterape Victims, The Most Beautiful Girls In The World and The Vibrators, but he discovered all of his proposed names were already taken by contemporary punk bands of the time. Tired and horny, he settled on the name Vanity 6, a name which combined the name of the band's lead singer with the highest number the band's lead singer could count up to. Prince soon kicked Vanity out after she began caring more about cocaine than about the finer things in life, like giving him head or watching him sit in the studio for 12 hours trying to get a synth riff right. Consequently Vanity 6 became Apollonia 6 with lead singer...well, I forget her name.
  • Tommy Barbarella - This keyboardist was recruited during one of Prince's nostalgic moods, when he decided he would really really love to have a band member who looked like, and had the same taste in genders as, ex-band member Wendy Melvoin. He stamped his feet and sulked and had tantrums until someone brought him Tommy Barbarella, who fitted the requirements perfectly. Tommy also did things Wendy would never do, like be strapped to a harness and flung headfirst into a keyboard while thousands of people watched, or wear women's underwear.
  • Tony M - Prince was always terrified of playing music with people who his audience might get confused with himself. For example, paranoia over Brownmark's very slight facial resemblance to him was the reason why Prince always made him stand away the hell at the back of the stage in the dark. And why, in 2005, he refused to do a duet with Anoushka Shankar. Anyway, in 1990 Prince was more paranoid than ever. How could he get someone in his band who no-one would ever in a million years get confused with himself? He considered what his defining qualities and characteristics had been throughout his life: short, pretty, in touch with his feminine side, articulate, intelligent, and musically talented. After a long search he found Tony M, who was very emphatically none of these things.
  • Kirk Johnson - As talented as Prince was, he realized there were some elements of musical composition and performance he simply couldn't manage. He pointed this out to his manager at the time. "Oh OK Prince. So you want a classically trained violinist, maybe? A Japanese koto master? Sitar virtuoso?" Prince scoffed. "No, you idiot. I want someone who can teach me how to sample played-out Funkadelic breaks and who can teach me to program drum beats that sound like Color Me Badd B-sides." "Oh. Okay then."
  • Levi Seacer Jr. - Around 1993-1995, Prince was into "shaking things up". Changing his name to a symbol remains the most well-known of his "shake-up" attempts. Another lesser known "shake-up" was inexplicably moving people to jobs they clearly were not at all suited for. Consequently, ridiculously talented guitarist Levi Seacer was moved to a desk job at his record label, while Mayte Garcia became a pop singer.
  • Morris Hayes - effectively a farmboy version of Morris Day, this was Prince's attempt to bring saucy funk to Iowa and Kansas. Hayes wore tailored gingham dungarees with leather cowboy boots, and his biggest hits were "The Cow" (featuring the classic refrain "Moooooo...Boy-Howdy!") and "Chicken Run Love".
  • John Blackwell - Drummer John has a unique style; in the space of any given bar of music, he either has to hit every single drum and cymbal he has at least once, or none of them. The world is patiently waiting for the day he swaps drumkits with the guy from Rush and all his arms fall off.
  • Bobby Z - Reliable drummer Bobby retained links with Prince for many years after the Revolution broke up. However, their relationship came to a screeching halt when he visited Prince at home in the year 1999 and became deeply disturbed by his unpleasant behaviour. In response to Bobby's proposal to reform the Revolution for a one-off concert, Prince made several somewhat unreasonable demands : first of all, Wendy & Lisa would have to renounce their homosexuality. And also kiss each other one last time with tongues for Prince, just because he "kinda digs that whole dyke thing". Furthermore, the entire band would have to pledge allegiance to Jehovah, and buy five copies each of the latest Graham Central Station album, in that order. The entire band would have to go through six months of doing door-to-door delivery of pamphlets for the Jehovah's Witnesses organization. The lyrics of several Revolution songs would be changed: "Mountains" would be changed to "Fields" to prevent it being overly suggestive of breasts, "Girls & Boys" would be changed to "Boys > Girls (Coz Eve Ate The Apple)", "Darling Nikki" would be changed to "Darling Jehovah", and "Let's Pretend We're Married" would be changed to "Let's Just Pretend We're Divorced (For It Is Forbidden)". In addition, "Life Could Be So Nice" would be changed to "NPG Music Club Membership For $7.99 A Month Could Be So Nice". This meeting somewhat soured Bobby & Prince's relationship.
  • Game Boyz - The Game Boyz were Prince's little friends who he liked to play Super Mario and Donkey Kong with, hence the name. They would sometimes come over to Prince's house for slumber parties, where they would play dress-up, give each other makeovers, and talk about boys they liked. Occasionally Susan Rogers would butt in with a plate of Rice Krispie Squares and a pitcher of Tang, and Prince would get all embarassed. He dumped the Game Boyz in 1992, because Nintendo was so over by then. His new gang he formed to replace them, the Sonic Hedgehogs, was comprised of three high-priced Minneapolis lawyers and Mayte.
  • Carmen Electra - Carmen Electra was Prince's musical protege/sex partner in the early 1990s. Prince was so enamoured with her musical talent/sexual prowess he took her on tour with him as the opening act. Carmen's show of uptempo pop rap/big tits bombed at every single concert. Prince refused to believe it was her fault, and fired her band, replacing them with his own. She still bombed, so he fired that band too. She continued to bomb, and Prince decided it was the fault of the acoustics in the venues. He consequently ordered ten major European stadiums and concert arenas to be demolished, and then reconstructed in a way that would specifically cater to the acoustics of Carmen's feisty grooves/big tits. She still continued to bomb, and Prince decided the audience was the problem. He confiscated all the tickets from those who had already bought them and gave them to Carmen's family members, friends and her many illegitimate children. She still continued to bomb, and Prince decided it must be the moons of Jupiter shining in the eyes of Carmen and distracting her from her performance. He ordered NASA to send missiles to destroy all of Jupiter's moons, and all of Saturn's too just to be sure. She still continued to bomb. Prince then realized the reason Carmen Electra was bombing horribly at every show was because Carmen Electra had all the musical ability of a doorstop, and kicked her out.

edit The "Prince? That Skinny Motherfucker With The High Voice?" Hall Of Fame

Despite Prince's finely honed skills at pissing people off, stabbing them in the back or generally treating them like shit, it is in fact quite possible to maintain a long relationship with the man and still retain every single little bit of your dignity. Generally, to do so requires the associate to be three things: a) musically talented beyond belief, b) cooler than a freezer burn, and c) capable of treading the fine line between putting up with Prince's shit and not putting up with Prince's shit. The only three individuals to accomplish this so far are Sheila E, Rosie Gaines and Eric Leeds. Take a bow, ladies. Sheena Easton has also managed to stay on his good side, but never had any dignity to lose in the first place.

edit 1-800-NEW-FUNK

Hello. U Have Reached 1-800 New Funk. This Is The Automated Experience. Why Do U Want 2 Hurt Me? Do U Not Have Love4OneAnother? How Would U Like 2 Proceed? If U Would Like 2 Order "Crystal Ball" And Never Receive It, Press 1. If U Would Like 2 Order "Crystal Ball" With Limited Edition "The Truth" Bonus Disc And Never Receive It, Press 1. If U Would Like 2 Order "Crystal Ball" With Limited Edition "The Truth" Bonus Disc And Limited Edition "Kama sutra" Bonus Disc And Never Receive It, Press 1. If U Would Like 2 Order "Exodus" And Never Receive It, Press 1. If U Would Like 2 Order "Get Wild" Fragrance And Never Receive It, Press 1. If U Ordered Something Funky From 1-800-New-Funk Months Ago And Have Not Received The Item Yet, Press 2 And U Will B Transferred To 1 Of Our Funky Operators (Once They Get Back From Bootlegging The Artist's Outtakes That Is) Who Will Try To Stall U For Half An Hour Or So. If U Are From Uptown Magazine Or Are Running A Website, Press 666 As U Are Going 2 Hell Anyways. This Message Is Property Of Paisley Park Enterprises & NPG Records, Copyright 1996, All Rights Reserved. Peace & B Wild.

edit Prince filmography

edit The Second Coming (1981)

In 1981, Prince was offered a small role in a star-studded film about the second coming of Christ, written by Ronald Reagan. Prince, however, demanded changes. He took the script and made many alterations, returning it a week later to the studio. The writers and director discovered he had replaced every occurrence in the script of the word "Jesus" with "Prince", switched his role to playing the main character (who was now of course called "Prince"), and given his old role of "Falafel Merchant #4" to Vanity. The studio rejected this idea, considering it blasphemous (the event mirrored an identical incident in 1958 when Jerry Lee Lewis became involved in a proposed biopic of the Prophet Mohammed).

edit Purple Rain (1984)

A sextape released in 1984, featuring Prince showering his semen (what he refers to as his "purple rain") all over Sheila E, Jill Jones and Apollonia (in that order). They also go skinny-dipping in Lake Minnetonka. The reasons for Prince's semen being purple in this video have been much debated by Prince fans; the general consensus is that it was due to an excessive consumption of blueberry flavor Slush Puppies.

edit Graffiti Bridge (1990)

There are two differing interpretations of this film among critics. One interpretation says it's the story of a idealistic but troubled boy who with the help of an angel goes on a search for his soul in a city full of deceit and lies. With Tevin Campbell. The other interpretation says it's the story of a idealistic but batshit-insane rock star who with the help of Warner Brothers goes on a search for a coherent plot in a Minneapolis recording complex full of washed-up 70s soul singers. With Tevin Campbell.

edit Prince concert tours

edit Parade Tour

This tour consisted of Prince & Jerome Benton doing stand-up comedy in the style of Abbott & Costello. They appeared on stage backed only by Bobby Z, who was there solely to provide a "badum-TISH" after each one of their punchlines. The opening act was Lisa Coleman performing dykey stand-up in the style of Sandra Bernhard, whilst Wendy Melvoin fisted her with her left hand and played a continuous A-flat on a MicroKorg with her right. The tour was not well-received.

edit Sign Of The Times Tour

This legendary tour was widely acclaimed. Most fans loved it, though some remarked that it was even better if you filmed the show, went home, threw your concert footage in the trash, then reperformed and rerecorded the entire concert again on your own soundstage.

edit Lovesexy Tour

Around the time of the Lovesexy tour, Prince was undergoing spiritual rebirth. He had come to the realization, aided by his Christanity, that raw sex for the sake of sex was nothing as fulfilling as sex for the sake of true love and spirituality. Consequently, the Lovesexy show was divided into two sections, one half containing songs about sex for the sake of sex and the other containing more religious, mature material. The first half was the more religious, mature segment, featuring songs about meaningful one-on-one relationships ("Adore", "If I Had A Harem") as well as non-sexually related material ("Pop Life", "Housequake"). The second half was the dirty section, featuring songs about sex for the sake of sex ("Kiss") and songs about cunnilingus ("Alphabet Street"). The Lovesexy shows provided a remarkably coherent and sincere expression of Prince's spiritual and sexual beliefs at the time.

edit Nude Tour

Prince was so strapped for cash in 1989 he decided to appeal to the lowest common denominator by doing a world tour completely butt-naked. Unfortunately with his high-energy stage show his not-insubstantial penis would swing around a hell of a lot as he performed. The total cost of the damage caused by Prince's uncontrollable schlong on the tour is estimated to be around $55 billion, causing the tour to make a total loss of $56 billion (making it his fifth least profitable tour ever). During a show in Cork, Ireland, Prince's flying johnson levelled three quarters of the entire city during "Housequake" alone. Tony M was also naked for the entire tour but he's hung like a gerbil and so caused no damage (unless you consider arousing Rosie Gaines to be damage).

edit Ultimate Live Experience Tour

This tour was plagued with problems for Prince. They included:

  • The elaborate stage set was shaped like a big pussy. This wasn't a problem until the tour reached the East Coast of the US and started having sex with the Washington monument.
  • The elaborate stage set was shaped like a big pussy. This wasn't a problem until once every 28 days when blood would gush out of it; motherfuckers would go to see Prince but get the fucking Shining instead.
  • The elaborate stage set was shaped like a big pussy. This wasn't a problem until it had to be transported, in five separate trucks. One time one of the trucks got lost and separated from the rest, resulting in the amusing scene of Prince standing in a Stockholm street on his mobile phone, yelling "MY CLITORIS IS IN GOTHENBURG?!?!?".
  • The elaborate stage set was shaped like a big pussy. The tour bus was filled with Amps and Pamprin.
  • The elaborate stage set was shaped like a big pussy.
  • Occasionally, Tommy Barbarella's keyboard (which when he pressed various keys would trigger various samples and loops) would malfunction. One time he tried to hit the button for the horn part in "Race" and somehow placed an order for a large ham & pineapple, garlic bread and a regular Coke at the local Domino's Pizza.
  • Bono showed up and sung with Prince on one occasion.

edit Hit 'N' Run Tour

The fifth of the eleven tours on which Prince played his hits for the last time.

edit Musicology Tour

Haven't you ever gone to a show and thought "wow...this is good, but I really wish I was behind the singer, staring at his back! That would be exciting!" Well, lucky for you, Prince went about instigating a revolution in live performance with his Musicology tour, which was "in the round". This meant Prince performed in the center of the arena, surrounded by the audience, subsequently allowing a lucky 50% of the audience to look at his back for pretty much all of the show. Comic relief came with the acoustic segment where he sat down and whirled around on his own whim like a bored office worker in a desk chair.

edit Earth Tour

Like a tour, except in the same city nightly. And the same venue nightly. And with the same set-list nightly. Still, you got a free CD and the opportunity to watch Brits drink themselves into a coma during the quieter songs, which is much more entertaining than watching yet another old-school funk jam. SOMEONE PASS THOSE GODDAMN PEAS ALREADY.

edit Records Prince Has Broken

Supermam

Prince prior to his halftime concert at Super Bowl XLI

While these things will never show up in any book (although we sincerely believe they should), Prince has broken a number of records. Some of these records can be read about below.

  • Most positions in a one-night stand (23)
  • Most scriptures in a one-night stand (23)
  • Wears heels so high even the most professional prostitute would shudder
  • Most metaphorical songs written by one person
  • Only man to dress in a way that women can aspire to
  • Most blatantly sexual songs written by one person
  • Most use of the word "Motherfucker" in one song ever
  • Least drugs taken by any rock star (why should he take drugs when eccentricity comes so naturally?)
  • Most attempts ever to make a phrase "sexy" but have it come out really nasty-sounding
  • Most comically filthy songs ever written by one person
  • Becoming The World's Most Purple Guitar Playing Dwarf
  • Longest wearing of one single jacket (see purple jacket worn from 1982 - 1985, nearly daily. Did he wash the thing?)
  • Only man to mistake a curtain for an outfit
  • Most different names composed entirely of ancient symbols which are impossible to remember of any musical artist
  • First musical artist whose stagename was a title given to a member of the royal family in a monarchy. He beat out Queen, the band which became his archnemesis after he broke their record for the most attempts ever to maxe a phrase "sexy" but have it come out really nasty-sounding (see above). Unfortunately, the King missed the battle of titans occurring in his own royal family because he was busy faking his death. Some oracles have predicted that the arrival of the Princess will herald the downfall of this record, but us normal people know that the Princess is just a dirty whore.
  • "Thriller" by Michael Jackson
  • First man to make a love song sound like a sex song.
  • Went longest time wearing purple (1980-present).
  • Prince holds the record for someone taking on glimpse at him and instantly calling him gay (shortest time). The witness and Prince both claim that the witness looked at prince for a mere 0.013 nanoseconds before shouting out, "THAT MOTHERFUCKER'S GAY!"
  • Holds the record for worst love song about a sportscar.

This is only a sampling of the records Prince has managed to break, and he broke them into little tiny pieces. I'm sure he intends to break more in the future.

edit People Prince has sued for Copyright Infringement

edit Special Powers

Prince possesses many special powers, the most important being the power of hypnosis. If you meet him, do not look into his eyes, or at any of his jewelry, or anything else on him, for that matter (don't worry if this rule is hard to remember, Prince has many bodyguards on hand at all times who will be only too happy to remind you of it). For you see, the man has learned how to hypnotize people: you know those scenes in "Purple Rain" where he stares intently into space with wide eyes and a blank expression, saying nothing? You know, every scene he was in? Well, what Prince was doing was trying to hypnotize everyone else on the set. Over the years he's managed to hypnotize people with many things including his eyes, his chest hair, frightening prints on his clothing, or his music. While this hypnosis is a pleasant experience, we don't recommend it, as it will cause you to spend hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars on his albums, concert tickets, and memorabilia. Your obsession is just what he wants, and once you purchase these things, looking at, using, or listening to these items will only send you deeper into your hypnosis. The only cure for an obsession of this sort is to listen to a lot of Elvis Presley material, and really, who wants to do that?

edit Greatest hits

  • $19.99
  • $31.21
  • $69.69
  • $69.69 (AIDS remix)
  • Christopher Street Day Parade
  • Diamonds and Pearls Before Swine
  • Girls and Boys And Those Inbetween
  • U D0n't Want 2 Suck My C0ck?!?
  • The Legs of Orion
  • Money Does Matter 2Nite (So I Just Fired My Horn Section)
  • Nigga Sweat
  • Let's Go Apeshit (Touch My Nuts)
  • Pantyman
  • Purple Brain
  • U Must B 2 Bad 2 Go 2 School
  • Raspberry Sorbet
  • Sexy Motherlover
  • Th353 Numb3r 50ng5 Ar3 G3tt1ng 0ld
  • Sign O' The Times New Roman
  • Sometimes It Snows In Minneapolis (But It Usually Just Rains)
  • The Third Most Beautiful Girl in the World
  • Vandalized Bridge
  • The Artist Currently Known as Prince
  • Piss
  • C0ck in Da A$$ (featuring George Michael)
  • Parsley Park
  • Let's Pretend I Never Released Those Last Two Albums
  • Jesus
  • Pussy Outta' Control
  • Nine
  • Paprika Girl
  • Chive Dude
  • Whipped Cream
  • Dirty Behind
  • Crystall Ball-Bags (45 Disc Set Of Unreleased Improvised Funk)
  • Sex
    • Sex (Raw H. Ard & Dirty remix)
    • Sex (Unreleased alternate versions #1-#2364)
    • Sex (30-minute group jam)
    • Sex (Wendy Carlos remix)
  • How Come U Dont Stalk Me Anymore?
  • I Love You in Me (Now I just Bit Through My Pillow)
  • Don't Get it in my Hair This Time
  • What's My Name?
  • What's Your Name?
  • Seriously, I don't remember...
  • My Name Is Prince
  • My Name Is The Artist Currently Known To Be Considering Changing His Name
  • My Name Is Circle, Swirly Line, Cross, Arrow
  • My Name Is The Artist Formerly Known As So How Are We Supposed To Refer To Him Now Then
  • My Name Is The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince
  • My Name Will Be Prince Again Soon
  • Does Anyone Still Care What My Name Is?
  • My Name Is What? My Name Is Who? My Name Is Chugga-Chugga-Chugga-Chugga-Chug Slim Shady
  • What's In A Name? Free inside this week's Mail on Sunday!
  • My Name Is Doorknocker.
  • His Name Is Nobody Cares.

edit Prince's most commonly used chat-up lines

  • "Move your big ass round this way so I can work on that zipper, baby."
  • "I'm not saying this just to be nasty, but I sincerely want to fuck the taste out of your mouth."
  • "If you don't wanna lick my knees, I'm sho' yo mama will."
  • "I want to make you come...running."
  • "I gots me some purple rain in my basket balls, baby!! OW!!"
  • "I got wet dreams coming out of my ears."
  • "Lets go back to my place and play some basketball."
  • "I heard the rip when you sat down!"
  • "See this here? This is called a Watchtower Magazine...."

edit If He Was Your Girlfriend

YOU: Hey baby. Why you keep leaving the light on in the bathroom? I told you not to do that, it wastes electricity.
PRINCE: <smirks smugly and stares straight ahead>
YOU: I mean all the fossil fuels on the earth are going to be gone by 2050 and shit, and you're leaving the bathroom light on for no reason. Turn it off when you leave the room, OK? Not hard.
PRINCE: <smirks smugly and stares straight ahead>
YOU: Look baby, I'm becoming concerned about the lack of communication in our relationship.
PRINCE: <smirks smugly and stares straight ahead>
YOU: All you seem to do is smirk smugly and stare straight ahead.
PRINCE: If you bought a coat, a beautiful fur coat, and you began to feel that whenever you put that coat on you were wearing the coat of the devil, would you still wear that coat, even though it was a beautiful coat?
YOU: What the fuck are you talking about?
PRINCE: <smirks smugly and stares straight ahead>
YOU: Look, I'm tired of your shit baby. You're rude, pompous, defensive, arrogant. You don't seem to care about our relationship at all.
PRINCE: <smirks smugly and stares straight ahead>
YOU: What do you want me to do?
PRINCE: Go get me a peanut butter and jelly sammich.
YOU: Fuck that! What do you want to do about our relationship?
PRINCE: Sounds to me like that's your problem, not mine.
YOU: Huh?
PRINCE: <smirks smugly and stares straight ahead>
YOU: Alright, this is an ultimatum, baby. You tell me right now what you think we should do as regards our relationship. If you just smirk smugly and stare straight ahead, I'm leaving your ass right now. OK? So, tell me: what do you think we should do?
PRINCE: I don't know. What do you think Jesus would do in this situation?
YOU: What the FUCK are you TALKING ABOUT?
PRINCE: <smirks smugly and stares straight ahead>

edit See Also

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Joe9320/Prince (artist).
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