User:Izbeenoneweek/UnNews:Polar Bear Impersonates American Author and Seen with Gaddafi
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Izbeenoneweek/UnNews:Polar Bear Impersonates American Author and Seen with Gaddafi
Straight talk, from straight faces
Friday, May 22, 2015, 23:49 (UTC)
7 September 2011
BENGHAZI, Libya/AGADEZ, Niger (Reuters) -- A polar bear impersonating Polar Bear-American author Percy Sledge Porridge was taken into custody for his participation of hijacking nuclear weapons from Puget Sound Naval Shipyard with a bear army raid, as well as assisting Mu'ammar Gaddafi to escape across the southern border of Libya.
A U.S. spokesman claimed that the captured polar bear levelling threats of global nuclear annihilation is George Bernard Bear-Shaw, leader of the British-based CryptoFascist Communist Party. Bear-Shaw was found on the southern border of Libya running away from a Minuteman missile attack upon his bear army, followed by a single drone until the bear tripped over a rock, and broke his leg.
Bear-Shaw and his CryptoFascist Communist Party are alleged to be funding the yearly International Punching-A-Bear-In-The-Face Championship, as well as plotting numerous assassination attempts on bear-rights activists worldwide. Four assassination attempts of Percy Sledge Porridge since the 1960s have been linked to Bear-Shaw and his party.
Reports claim that Gaddafi and Bear-Shaw upon meeting on the border would level warheads upon both homes of Percy Sledge Porridge on Mercer Island and the North Pole, until "that bloody bear shuts his trap. You are an admirable fellow, Gaddafi, and to live with that horrid acne on your face is a testament to your strength and fortitude." (Bear-Shaw)
An impostor claiming to be the author Porridge was arrested after doing a satellite phone uplink interview, where he threatened the coming of WWIII because he was "gonna lay mushroom clouds" and "make Castle Bravo look like a church picnic that got cancelled due to rain."
A bear, linked to Bear-Shaw and the CryptoFascists, was also arrested at Puget Sound for impersonating a male U.S. Navy officer.
Libyan officials claim no knowledge of Bear-Shaw's existence, although they do look forward to the debut techno album of bear-punching champion Brooke Collins. Collins is rumored to make a surprise appearance at the benefit concert Bears Without Borders, and will challenge Percy Sledge Porridge to a bear-punching exhibition. Concert organizers say that "no such bigoted, attention-whore, tone-deaf, bear-humiliating contest will ever occur in this era, for generations to come."
Bear-Shaw is known to have impersonated Porridge throughout the years, in many attempts to discredit the Polar Bear-American Pulitzer Prize-winning author.
Porridge was unavailable for comment. A bear-spokesperson said that he is currently participating in Bears Without Borders.
- Emma Farge and Abdoulaye Massalatchi "Gaddafi tracked headed south: Libyan official". Reuters, September 7, 2011
- The Drudge Report "UnNews:Renowned polar bear hijacks some nukes and holds the world for ransom". UnNews, September 7, 2011
- Associated Press "UnNews:Arsonists Destroy Home of Bear-Rights Activist". UnNews, September 6, 2011
- News Corp. "UnNews:Statements by Ursine-American Professor Ignite Controversy". UnNews, September 6, 2011
- Associated Press "UnNews:Polar Bear Chastises 2011 Punching-A-Bear-In-The-Face Champion". UnNews, September 4, 2011
- Hollywood Reporter "UnNews:Alaska woman wins 2011 International Punching-A-Bear-In-The-Face Championship". UnNews, September 4, 2011
- Reuters "Alaska woman wins International Punching-A-Bear-In-The-Face Championship". Yahoo! News, August 31, 2011