User:Izbeenoneweek/UnNews:Arsonists Destroy Home of Bear-Rights Activist
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September 6, 2011
North Pole, Arctic Circle -- A small group of arsonists from Los Angeles raided the Arctic Circle vacation cave of Polar Bear-American bear-rights activist author Percy Sledge Porridge Monday night, in reaction to comments by Porridge made about the arsonists being "nothing more than bohemian rich kid reactionaries still mad that they couldn't break 1000 on the S.A.T."
Claiming to be supporters of Ron Paul, the arsonists placed burning crosses outside the entrance of the empty cave, and proceeded to torch and vandalize its walls upon entering. Structural damage was minimal due to the copious amount of snow and cold that put the torches out, while the intruders shook in fear upon seeing that the Porridge cave resembled Superman's Fortress of Solitude, and that a God-like massive beam of light filled their eyes with visions of The Second Coming, causing grand mal seizures and death.
Canadian Mounties reported that almost all of the twenty-plus arsonists died in the snow in their attempt to destroy the Porridge cave, except for one distressed unnamed male Ron Paul-supporter crawling in the snow waving red and green flags around. After squealing "...the light! Put it out! PUT IT OUT AGHHHHHHH..." the arsonist died as his head imploded just seconds after a Mountie clicked off his lantern.
Porridge, currently taking a sabbatical from his position as Artist-In-Residence of the University of Washington Music Department, and due to make a guest appearance on The Howard Stern Show in October, was not available for comment. He is at his Mercer Island mansion writing Why Pooh Bear is a Firestarter (Red Bull Press), due out in mid-2012.
- Jessica Phelan "Man detained in connection with Los Angeles arson attacks". Global Post, January 2, 2012