User:Iwillkillyou333/Unbooks:Kidnapping the Presidents Daughter
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The date and time of this event is sometime in the future where Obama is no longer president and the nation is run by a Republican again, whose name is Mike Garwood. Six Guys are in a van outside of Monroeville Mall; A tall guy named Ripley, a buff looking dude named Hicks, a dude with a scar on his face named Danielle, a African American named Wayne, a silent guy with a helmet on his face, and a teenager named Victor, who is identical to Ripley, who is his brother.
Ripley: Alright, everybody ready?
Hicks: Yes sir
Danielle: Been ready for my whole life.
Wayne: Same here
Victor: I guess.
Ripley: You guess? You doubt your own brother?
Victor: Um, a little.
Ripley: Come on brother, we can earn allot of money for this. Just do what I say and you'll be find.
Victor: Ok, but I still it’s crazy that we are going to kidnap a rich teenage girl my age and convince her rich parents to pay a lot of money.
Ripley: Not a lot of money, but a shit load of money.
Wayne: And when he's right he's right.
Ripley: That’s the spirit.
edit Chapter 1: The Mall
Guys go in the mall
Ripley: Remember, no Russian.
Wayne: Wow, a reference to Modern Warfare 2. You are such a geek.
Ripley: Sorry, always wanted to say that. Anyway, follow my command.
The group goes around the mall until they find the girl they are after, minding her own business like any ordinary rich girl should be doing.
Hicks: There she is.
Danielle: And she's alone.
Ripley: Go to plan A.
Ripley sprints up to the girl, then grabs her arm
Girl Hey get your hands off of me.
Ripley: Not going to happen, your coming with us
Girl: No, go fuck yourself! HELP I'M BEING KIDNAPPED!
Crowd comes running in to see the event unfolding. Suddenly, Wayne and Hicks pull out M-16 machine guns.
Hicks: Ok nobody moves or we'll blow your fucking heads off.
Guards come in
Guard 1 Put your hands on the ground, mother fucker!
Gunshots are fired
Ripley: Ok, I got the girl, let’s go!
All five guys run outside, run to the car to met the six guy, codename: Silent Man
Ripley: You got our ride ready?
Silent Man: (give thumbs up)
Ripley: Ok lets go!
Guard 2: They're getting away!
Guard 1: Stop, you terrorists!
All guys get in the van while shots bounce off the van
Ripley: (To Danielle) Floor it!
The van makes a huge escape
Guard 2: Oh shizzle, the big guy isn’t going to like this.
edit Chapter 2: The Highway
Girl: You guys are soooooo dead.
Wayne: We know already, that's why I got a head start and prepared my grave.
Girl: My daddy is going to chop you dick off and stick it up your ass.
Wayne: Ok, now that’s scary, cause I got a huge dick.
Hicks: Didn't need to know that, nigger.
Wayne: Shut the fuck up, asshole.
Ripley: Alright enough, dipshits.
Victor: Ok, so we got the girl, now what do we do?
Ripley: We are going to Hellman's peak, where we will be hiding in the Hellman's Uber Heavy Bomb Shelter and we'll hold her for ransom until......
Victor: Wait, wait, wait.... Hellman's Uber Heavy Bomb Shelter? What are we hiding from, Godzilla?
Ripley: Well brother, it's a long story. Plus, if I told you, you wouldn’t believe me.
Police sirens are heard
Danielle: We got trouble. Police Cars closing in. Better speed up.
Victor: Um, those aren't regular police cars. They're S.W.A.T. Trucks
Hicks: We've notice.
Victor: And... are those F.B.I. units? Holy shit! (to the girl). Are you very rich for your father to afford all this? Because, this is ridicules.
Girl: It so happens I'm the president's daughter.
Victor looks in horror, with a facial expression similar to a man finding out he slept with his mother in law
Ripley: Yes, brother?
Victor: I just want to know, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?!?
Ripley: Pretty much.
edit Chapter 3: The White House
President Mike Garwood: (on the phone) What do you mean your busy? Your buying Taco Bell? Yeah right, stop fooling around and get back here ASAP, I need help finding my left shoe, I can't have a day of presidency without it. What, it's underneath my desk?
Walks over and looks under desk and finds his missing shoe
President Mike Garwood: Never mind.
President Mike Garwood: Dipshit, why didn't he say so before. (on the intercom) Mrs. Sanders
Mrs. Sanders: Yes, Mr. President?
President Mike Garwood: Remind me to demote Mike Tyson back to janitor duty.
Mrs. Sanders: Sure thing, Mr. President.
President Mike Garwood: Thank you.
Guard 1 and Guard 2 come in, nervously, though you can't really tell, because they're guards of the president
President Mike Garwood: Hey guys. Um, where's my daughter?
Guard 1: Yeah, um about that. Hey Frank, tell him.
Guard 2: What? No, you tell him.
President Mike Garwood: Tell me what? Is she pregnant?
Guard 1: No.
President Mike Garwood: Thank God.
Guard 1: Worst.
President Mike Garwood: What can be worst than having your teenage daughter pregnant?
Takes a sip of his coffee
Guard 2: Well…. you see here…..she's ……been….. kidnapped.
President Mike Garwood: ( pits his coffee on the guards) WWWWHHHHHAAAATTTT? Oh dear, I feel like I'm going to faint...
faints to the ground like a man finding out his wife is having triplets
Guard 2: Damn, that coffee was hot!
edit Chapter 4: The Highway Pt.2
Victor: Out of all the stupid and illegal things you done, this takes the cake.
Ripley: Now now brother, I understand that you're angry...
Victor: Angry? Oh no, I'm not angry at you. I'm just piss off at the fact you are putting our lives in danger.
Ripley: Brother, you know as well as I do that everything I do put people's lives in danger. It's how I am.
Victor: Well, can't argue with that. But why the President's daughter? Couldn't we just still some else's child like Bill Gates?
Ripley: Thought about it, but I realized that the government has more money than a single billionaire. And if that's not enough, they can make more of it, trillions of it. It's the best way to get rich quick. Besides, I like all the action that follows after a political kidnapping. Makes it more fun.
Victor: (to the 5 other guys) And you guys hang around him at the expense of your own lives.
Wayne: Hey now, we may not like what Ripley plans for us to do, but we always like the pay afterwards. Good business I have to say.
Hicks: If you don't die in the process.
Danielle: Just like George.
Hicks: Poor George. He was a good man. Too bad he didn't see that sniper-wielding Swat Guy or those vicious German Shepherds.
Girl: (to Victor) Is your brother always like this?
Victor: Pretty much, but he can be even worse than this at times. One time he stole the Declaration of Independence and harassed ninety Secret Service Guards.
Girl: Wow, he's messed up.
Victor: You have no idea.
Girl: Unlike you. You're pretty sweet.
Victor: (blushing Kool-Aid red) Uh.... yeah..... thanks. So what's your name?
Girl: Sarah. Never heard of me before?
Victor: I stopped paying attention to politics after Barack Obama became president.
Sarah: I don't blame you. Who wouldn't?
edit Chapter 5: The White House Again
Mike Garwood has recovered from passing out and is talking to Secretary of Defense, Josh Gordon, and director of Homeland Security, Kyle Eisenhower, as well as a bunch of other people not worth noting. Oh, and there's Rick, the president's stepson, but he's not important at all.
Mike Garwood: Now, I don't want to have this become a national crisis, so I want everybody to calm down and get our heads clear. As long as she's safe then everything's ok. Now, what news about those F-22 Raptors?
Kyle Eisenhower: (quitely to Josh Gordon) And he tells us to calm down.
Mike Garwood: What was that?
Kyle Eisenhower: I was just suggesting we put some Strykers around roads to keep the kidnappers from escaping any further.
Mike Garwood: Good idea.
Josh Gordon: Mr. President, can I make a suggestion as well?
Mike Garwood: For the last time Gordon, we will not change Thursday's breakfast menu to Apple Jacks. It will remain powdered doughnuts until the end of my second term, which will not end for another four years, so deal with it.
Josh Gordon: What? No! I'm talking about the situation of your daughter being kidnapped!
Mike Garwood: Oh. Well, as long as it doesn't involve Apple Jacks, go ahead and say it.
Josh Gordon: I suggest we investigate the scene and see who the kidnappers are.
Mike Garwood: We know who the kidnappers are. They're criminals, that's who. Get your facts straight.
Kyle Eisenhower: I think what Mr. Gordon is trying to suggest is finding physical evidence of the kidnappers and finding their identities. You know, CSI? CIA? FBI? NCIS? Sherlock Holmes?
Mike Garwoood: Well gosh, why didn't you say so, Mr. Gordon? That's a good idea. Why didn't I think of that? I'm glad to have a man like you. In the next reward ceremony, you shall get the Noble Prize for such intelligence.
Josh Gordon: Oh, well... that's not really necessary, Mr President.
Mike Garwoood: Ok, that's fine with me....
Josh Gordon: But if you insist.
Mike Garwood: Oh I do. And that goes for you to Mr. Eisenhower.
Kyle Eisenhower: Thank you Mr. President.
Mike Garwood: I was right to choose you both for such high positions. Mick, you should be more like these men and maybe you'll achieve something.
Rick: It's Rick. And I suggested we use spy satellites to spot the kidnappers.
Mike Garwood: And I said that the idea would not be possible. Use your brain boy.
Rick: I did use my.... never mind.
Mike Garwood: I'll contact every agent that we have. Mr. Gordon, if this works out, I'll let you decide the breakfast menu every now and then.
Josh Gordon: Including Thursday's?
Mike Garwood: Ehhhhh.... we'll work something out. Now if you excuse me, I got many phone calls to take care of.
walks out of room
Kyle Eisenhower: So why was he elected president again?
Josh Gordon: Because of the wonderful awards he gives out.
Kyle Eisenhower: True, true.