User:Iwillkillyou333/Portal:Teaching

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Sophiawarhol
Welcome to Uncyclopedia's Art portal.

This is by far the most artistic portal you will ever find.


Portalimage02
Art is generally considered purely a middle/upper class pursuit. However, some examples have practical applications, meaning that they can also be enjoyed by the working classes.

Teaching

edit 

Featured Artistic Art Article

Tracey-emin-scowl

Tracy Emin: "Spunk on a bed? Shoulda spunked on a canvas luv! Aha!"-Sid James

Tracey Emin (or Ermine, the incongruence splits my sides) is a supposed artist, her art being the remnants of a bizarre and perverse life. Her negligible artistry and vile, slack-jawed London accent do nothing to relieve the tedium that is her face. Many are the times that Tracey, laying immobile, has been swept up by roadsweepers mistaking her for a dead badger. Her art - if it must be called such - is "situationalist", which basically means she can't draw or paint. Or write poetry.

Her personality has been compared less favourably to the bit in Jaws where Quint drags his fingernails down the blackboard, and her seminal work - a skanky, cum-laden, whinnet-ridden bed - was exhibited for almost three hours at the Tate Gallery before curators had to spray visitors with industrial strength DDT and Agent Orange lest they catch something such as CHLAMYDIA (shudder). Sadly the incident became infamous as causing the largest mass outbreak of HIV ever in London, according to official records. She also has the despicable affliction of compulsively shoving her cack-laden fingers up her nose in coarse fashion, mistaking it for a gesture of absolute sexiness. Which in her case, looking like an anally extensive weasel with a gherkin up its vagina is obviously not possible.

more


Come across a decent article on art? Well, make sure you wipe it clean, pervert. Then submit it for promotion.
edit 

Art news on Uncyclopedia

Got an art-related news story? You can add it to this portal here.
edit 

This Week's Featured Image

CorregioJupandIo
Though very few people realise it, Leonardo da Vinci is not merely a character in Dan Brown's inexplicably popular novels and really existed in Renaissance Italy. A keen sci-fi fan, he spent much of his time in his bedroom in his mother's basement where he used his artistic talents to design futuristic vehicles and weapons such as the helicopter, the Trabant, the steam cannon and the laser. He also created anatomical drawings, with his highly detailed depictions of the sexual organs earning him some stiff questions and a smack on the bum from Mrs. da Vinci. Later, his meticulous pictures of human organs resulted in his being sent to see the school counsellor.

Da Vinci's Mona Lisa painting (The Louvre, 3.5mm x 3.8mm) is his most famous, but he also painted other stuff such as this piece, The Lady With the Ermine, which is considered a highly important work by art historians as it proves that - despite paintings by other artists depicting fat women with oddly-shaped heads and breasts - there actually were a few hotties in 15th/16th C Europe after all.

The ermine, meanwhile, is commonly used in art schools as an example of how to fail. Looking more like a cross between some sort of cat and a small albino werewolf, it bears little or no resemblance to an actual ermine which is nothing more than a white stoat.

Found or made an arty bit of art? Submit it and it could appear in this section.
edit 

Selected biography

RolfHarris

Rolf Harris has long been forced to disguise his unnaturally long penis.

Rolf Harris was born in a swimming pool in Australia (though it was rumoured he was actually born in a kangaroo's pouch, hence his nickname "Rolfaroo"). Some say he was sent by Satan to rule the world (and KFC for that matter). He was initially christened Jake Peg, (adding "the" later on as an adult) and became a three-legged waltz champion, but his distant cousin Colonel Sanders, (himself a look-a-like of Rolf), was infuriated with this as it was scary for children seeing a picture of Rolf on several KFC advertisments. He paid for his extra leg to be removed and it was then used, in theory, for the 2nd line of the Swastika on the Nazi flag. All together now! Swastika on the Nazi flag....

more
edit 

Further reading

Below is a list of some other stuff vaguely connected to art:

edit 

Art Quote

Salvador Dali seduced many ladies, particularly American ladies, but these seductions usually consisted of stripping them naked in his apartment, frying a couple of eggs, putting them on the woman's shoulders and, without a word, showing them the door

~ Luis Bunuel


Got a funny quote that's vaguely related to art? Submit it.
edit 

Did you know...

  • ...that Picasso was rubbish at painting?
  • ...that Surrealism goat combination umbrella?
  • ...that all the phallic images in Aubrey Beardsley's art were completely unintentional?
  • ...that you can add to the pool of our knowledge here?
edit 

Articles of utmost artistic value

edit 

What You Can Do To Help

  • Find a remarkable article about art, artists, or Art, and suggest it for promotion
  • Help these arty articles. Some will be healed by a simple spell check, others need something a little more drastic
  • Add sombre, boring or otherwise artistic quotes here
  • Found or made an image that'd look nice as a feature? Submit it here
  • Be as artistic as you possibly can
  • Steal a Rembrandt from somewhere and donate it to us


Art Movements
Renaissance · Realism · Impressionism
Abstract · Abstract expressionism · Dada · Pop art · Futurism · Surrealism · Minimalism · Post-Modernism · Look, It's Art · Conceptual Art · Latteism · Photorealism · First Gradeism · Graffitism · Still life · Artistic License · Art That Looks Like Nothing · Bad Art
Personal tools
projects