Tracy Emin: "Spunk on a bed? Shoulda spunked on a canvas luv! Aha!"-Sid James
Tracey Emin (or Ermine, the incongruence splits my sides) is a supposed artist, her art being the remnants of a bizarre and perverse life.
Her negligible artistry and vile, slack-jawed London accent do nothing to relieve the tedium that is her face. Many are the times that Tracey, laying immobile, has been swept up by roadsweepers mistaking her for a dead badger. Her art - if it must be called such - is "situationalist", which basically means she can't draw or paint. Or write poetry.
Her personality has been compared less favourably to the bit in Jaws where Quint drags his fingernails down the blackboard, and her seminal work - a skanky, cum-laden, whinnet-ridden bed - was exhibited for almost three hours at the Tate Gallery before curators had to spray visitors with industrial strength DDT and Agent Orange lest they catch something such as CHLAMYDIA (shudder). Sadly the incident became infamous as causing the largest mass outbreak of HIV ever in London, according to official records. She also has the despicable affliction of compulsively shoving her cack-laden fingers up her nose in coarse fashion, mistaking it for a gesture of absolute sexiness. Which in her case, looking like an anally extensive weasel with a gherkin up its vagina is obviously not possible.
Da Vinci's Mona Lisa painting (The Louvre, 3.5mm x 3.8mm) is his most famous, but he also painted other stuff such as this piece, The Lady With the Ermine, which is considered a highly important work by art historians as it proves that - despite paintings by other artists depicting fat women with oddly-shaped heads and breasts - there actually were a few hotties in 15th/16th C Europe after all.
The ermine, meanwhile, is commonly used in art schools as an example of how to fail. Looking more like a cross between some sort of cat and a small albino werewolf, it bears little or no resemblance to an actual ermine which is nothing more than a white stoat.
Found or made an arty bit of art? Submit it and it could appear in this section.
Rolf Harris has long been forced to disguise his unnaturally long penis.
Rolf Harris was born in a swimming pool in Australia (though it was rumoured he was actually born in a kangaroo's pouch, hence his nickname "Rolfaroo"). Some say he was sent by Satan to rule the world (and KFC for that matter). He was initially christened Jake Peg, (adding "the" later on as an adult) and became a three-legged waltz champion, but his distant cousin Colonel Sanders, (himself a look-a-like of Rolf), was infuriated with this as it was scary for children seeing a picture of Rolf on several KFC advertisments. He paid for his extra leg to be removed and it was then used, in theory, for the 2nd line of the Swastika on the Nazi flag. All together now! Swastika on the Nazi flag....
“When you make a drama, you spend all day beating a guy to death with a hammer, or what have you. Or, you have to take a bite out of somebody's face. On the other hand, with a comedy, you yell at Billy Crystal for an hour, and you go home”