From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“It's about time someone appreciates my work and make something about it. I've asked the people on Wikipedia to create an article about my life but the bloody wankers refused, after all I've done in World War 2 and such. At least the people on Uncyclopedia show me respect.”
“You either die a Hero...or live long enough to see yourself become captain Price”
|Captain Jonathan Price|
|First appearance|| |
|Last appearance||Modern Warfare 3|
|Date of birth||11 January 1953|
|Date of death||Never in the history of the world. I'll put it this way: Captain Price will survive the end of the world.|
|Spouse(s)||Every single horny woman on the face of the planet|
|Relatives||Gaz, Ghost , Soap , McAffe|
|Address||69 Fuck the Terrorist Avenue|
|Religion||The one god worships|
|Would Kermit the Frog erect him/her?|
Captain Price, full name Jonathan Price, is a British SAS soldier who appeared in the famous shooter game Call of Duty, based on true events. He served in World War 2 and, for some reason, served in the war in Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare and Modern Warfare 2, based on modern wars. He is known for surviving many near-death situations and for always bossing his fellow soldiers around. He prefers his rank to always stay captain, because he likes to boss people around and have them carry out his plans, though nobody complains because they worship him like a king, as captains are notable for their work on the battlefield and for the amount of asses they kick. He is also known for his inability to die, even if shot multiple times with any weapon ever created.
edit Early History
Not much is known about his early life, although it can be assumed that he was born with the large mustache he has on today. In photos of him in school he is seen showing his great leadership skills by giving orders to other kids around, and has been made Head Boy of his school throughout his life. He is also seen beating up bullies and members of the rugby team in his high school years, as well as sneaking pies in people's lockers. He graduated high school at age 16.
edit World War 2
During Price's mid-years came the biggest conflict that the world, and Price, has ever faced; World War II. Price happily signed up and became a Captain in just seven days. Even though Britain was losing early in the war, Captain Price keeps much of Britain’s spirits high. However, sometime during D-day, Captain Price was somehow captured and taken to a Nazi prison. He was later rescued by American soldiers led by Captain Foley, another kick ass Captain. Captain Price was involved in many British missions, including blowing up a dam, which he let his apprentice, Pvt. Evans, do all by himself while he improvised on the top of the dam.
One of Price's important missions was blowing some German battleship. This was one of the only missions in the war that he actually did something. He, Evans, and some other dude named Waters hijacked a small boat, stoned the occupants took their clothing as well as their boat and headed toward the battleship. After blowing their cover, they began to fight through the ship. He lead Evans to through the ship, but unfortunately he was shot and appeared dead. Evans and Waters, after shortly grieving his supposed death, left afterwards, leaving his body there as they couldn't bring it back because the entire deck was full with German soldiers angered by either the fact that the ship was trespassed or the fact that someone clogged the toilet with shit and piss still in it. However, Price manages to escape. When asked about how he escaped, he replied, "Well, one aimed for my face but my amazing indestructible mustache protected me, causing the bullet to disintegrate. I played dead for a while, while Evans did all the work. After words, I got up and pretended to look for Evans as a German soldier, and all the German soldiers were still fooled because I was still wearing German clothing. Hahaha, what a bunch of losers." He continued to fight in the war until the suicide of Hitler and the nuclear bombing of Japan ended the war. He also distrusts the Russians, who were called the Soviet Union at that time, predicting that there's going to be conflict with Russia in the future. His predictions were later proven to be accurate.
edit After World War II
After the war ended, Price was trying to find a job that suits him. This, however, soon turned to be problematic. Price was born to be on the battlefield, not behind some desk with typewriter on top (computer's didn't exist during this time) or in a burger stand. In many cases, he always involves guns in his jobs, usually getting him fired and/or arrested. A friend suggested he take up hunting, and so he did. But it wasn't enough for him. He states that "shooting dear and turkeys are not dangerous enough". Another friend told him he should take up extreme hunting, which includes lions, tigers, bears (oh my), as well as crocodiles and grues. But that still wasn't enough for him, which he stated "Even bears and killer cats and reptiles aren’t dangerous enough. There are no dodging bullets or anything." He signed up to become a police officer, but was rejected due to him being "quite harsh" to people who did crime. He then decided to get involved in the Korea War and Vietnam War. Because of the hellish nightmare and horrifying shit that happened in Vietnam changed his attitude, and became the man he is today. After the Gulf War, which he enjoyed shooting weak Iraqi soldiers and watching them get blown up by AC-130 Spectres and battleships, he decided to retire after many years of military service, the second longest of any soldier in the entire universe (first longest being Master Chief). During this time he also became a Christian, stating that his gifted combat skills can only be possible because of God.
edit Modern Warfare
Captain Price was involved with the conflict that involved Russia, Britain (know know as the United Kingdom, or U.K.) United States, and a unknown Middle East country (probably Pakistan or Iran). He was joined by Gaz, a friend of his, and a new member on the team named Soap MacTavish.
edit Before Modern Warfare
Life without being on the battlefield was extremely boring for Price, just like watching daytime television. He was advice to rejoin the S.A.S. by an old time friend. Seeing that the battlefield was his only true home, he accepted and was trained by Captain MacMillan, as he did not know how to properly use modern weapons. Unfortunately, he had to start from the beginning rank all over again, which upset him. But his time in the lower ranks weren't long, due to his surprising combat skills, as he manages to reach the rank of Lieutenant in just 4 days. He and MacMillan were then involved with the assassination of a very evil and very crooked Russian arms dealer selling illegal cocaine as well as radioactive fuel rods. They manage to sneak past his mercenaries with plant looking coverings, and manage to reach the top of a building and took a shot at the Russian mentioned earlier, removing his left arm. Thinking he's dead, they left, with at least 2000 Russians attempting to take them out, but they all died at the hands of Price, who's skills were superior compared to those weak Russians. He and MacMillan left without any further incident.
edit Modern Warfare
It was during this time that the Russians were having civil war between Loyalists and the Ultranationalists, led by Imran Zakhaev, who miraculously survived the assassination attempt with the cost of his left arm and deep humiliation. To keep the world such as the United States out of the conflict, he funded a Arabian coup in an unknown Arabian country that possibly nobody heard of or cares, led by Khaled Al-Asad. Noticing the trouble lurking about, the British government ordered the S.A.S. to make the Ultranationalists' job much harder. Captain Price was picked to be the leader of his squad, named Bravo Team, with Gaz as his second in command. It was this moment that Price meets Soap MacTavish for the first time. At first, he wasn't easy on Soap, but after Soap went through C.Q.B.(Close Quarters Battle) in the S.A.S. Killing Houses and even beating Captain Price's own record, he was very impressed and gave him a position in the squad.
Their first mission in the six day conflict was to board a Ultranationalists controlled cargo ship that had contained a nuclear warhead. They killed all the guards without ease, and found the nuclear bomb. However, "fast movers" (a name for enemy jets) were inbound, so Price decided to take the manifest (which he told Soap to do) and were beginning to leave when all of a sudden the ship is attacked by MiG-29's. With the boat sinking, Price stated "We are leaving!" and he and the rest of Bravo Team begin to run from the hellish nightmare and headed towards the evac point. When Soap nearly fell from the helicopter, Price grabbed him in the nick of time. With their first victory a success, Price ordered everybody a drink, and Price was with many hot British girls who were amazed at his amazing victory. Price knew this was going to be a fun week of blowing stuff up.
After Al-Asad took over the country and personally executing it's former president, Price and his team were sent to Russia to rescue an informant named Nikolai after being captured due to accidently revealing that he works for the S.A.S. in front of a few Ultranationalists after consuming much vodka. After aiding Loyalists during a skirmish, they managed to find him and safelty extract him, which then Nikolai revealed that the invading U.S. Forces would not capture Al-Asad alive, making Price believe that something was up. They make it on a helicopter and head to safety, thinking no trouble would come along....
Until they got shot down by a missle. Luckily Gaz, Nikolai, Soap, and of course Price survived, but Price was really pissed off as he had rented that helicopter. He let his rage out on many Ultranationalists and a few of their helicopters, until an AC-130 flew by for assistance, even though Price could've tooken care of himself. But he does love to see his enemies get blown to pieces and flee in complete terror while he enjoys the scene and laughs at his enemies agony, commenting that it was "more beautiful than Megan Fox." After finding out that Al-Asad evaded U.S. Forces and had a nuclear bomb detonate in the city which killed alot of U.S. Marines, Price and his team learned from Nikolia that he was in a safehouse in Azerbaijan, guarded by Ultranationlists. They killed all of the Ultranationalists and caught the evil Muslim, whom Price fiercly interregate by means of beating him to a pulp. Al-Asad's cell phone rang, and when Price listed to it, to he his surprise finds who the real mastermind was: Zakhaev. Price "thanks" Al-Asah with a bullet to the head.
Wanting to stop Zakhaev's terrorist acts once and for all, Captain Price, Soap, Gaz and the rest of the team join forces with U.S. Forces who suvived the nuclear explosion, to capture Victor Zakhaev, Imran Zakhaev's drug addicted and depressed son. They managed to corner him, yet Victor, already suffereing from severe depression, commoits suicide. Knowing Zakhaev, Price knew that it would not end up well. His prediciton was correct, as Zakhaev launched nuclear missles at the U.S., yet failed when Price used the deactivation code to stop the nukes, further enraging Zakhaev, prompting him to kill Captain Price and his group himself. After being cornered at a highway, Price and his team fought hard until a helicopter launches a missle, wounding everybody. Imran Zakhaev shows up, and he, along with two other Ultranationalists, killed much of the team, including Gaz and the remaining Marines. Before he could get to the wounded Price and Soap, Russian Loyalists come along and distracted him. Seeing this as an opportunity, he decided to give Soap some of the fame, and gave him his pistol, ending the evil Russian's life. Price believed that it was over, as all of the S.O.B. Ultranationlist's leaders were given a nice ticket to hell.
Or so he thought.
edit Modern Warfare 2
For information on the event, see Modern Warfare 2
Price was presumed dead after his supposed death, but in reality was imprisoned by Russia's new ruler Vladimir Makorav, a bloodthirsty and dangerous criminal, who feared that Price would be a potential threat for the new Russia, now under control of the Ultranationalists. He was imprisoned in a dungeon of an old fortress where government put people they didn't want but couldn't kill (in this case Price). Price kept himself busy over time by killing the guards when they least expected. Even though he couldn't escape the prison due to all the security doors and solid brick walls that prevent escape, he always caused trouble for the Russians guarding him. However, he was rescued by the Task Force 141 led by the almighty Soap McTarvish, who was surprised to see him alive, and managed to escaped while the building was being destroyed by the U.S. Navy.
Knowing about the American-Russian War caused by Makarov even before it started, he decided to end it personally, which is surprising because he usually let his own men do all the dirty work because it was all too easy for him, so he probabaly did it to show off his awesomeness. Although his plan did not set will with General Shepard, commander of all of America's forces and leader of the Task Force 141, Price could give a rats ass about what he says and decided to to it anyway with the help of Roach, Soap's apprentice, and Ghost, who seemingly resembles Gaz including the voice. He manages to board a Russian submarine, armed with nukes, and launched one towards America, where the American-Russian War was taking place. But before it made contact with the surface, Price, thanks to all his skills at rigging things, made it blow up in space, causing an EMP, and made all the Russian's aircraft fall from the sky in a very awesome action scene, and made the rest of their vehicles and device's powerless, and rendering the Russian harmless like babies with water guns, all thanks to Captain Price.
After all that, Price as well as the rest of the Task Force 141 were set out to find and eliminate Makorav. But there was one little problem that kept them from doing so; General Shepard betrayed them, which results in the death of Roach and Ghost (not again). But Price and Soap manage to escape, and found out Shepard was behind it all. After learning where he is thanks to Makorav (who Shepard also betrayed) and being saved by there friend Nikolia, Soap asked what they were going to do. Price responded, "We're going to kick his ass." After much awesome action scenes and a chase on a river leading to a water fall, Price fought Shepard in a fist fight, as Price wanted to do it the all fashion way. But then Shepard seemingly gain the upperhand and nearly defeating Price, until Soap managed to removed a knife impaled in him and threw it in Shepard's eyes, ending the bastard's life. Although many people believed that Price had that scene planned. He admits to this later on, saying, " I can't always receive the glory for myself. I have to give my fellow soldiers something to do so they won't seem inferior to my awesome skills. Although I really could have kicked his ass with no effort at all, I just didn't want to; it's more fun to see other people doing it."
edit Modern Warfare 3
After the events in Afghanistan where they had killed Shepard, Nikolai rushed both Soap and Price to a medical hospital, as, for once the two had recieved mortal wounds which would have caused Chuck Norris to wince. However, due to Soap's God-like regenerative abilities he was able to survive long enough to reach safety. Price, of course had mysteriously arrived unscathed and with all his injuries gone. At this point the trio are introduced to Yuri, a Russian who also has the inablility to both shoot and speak. After travelling around the world together and killing starving ethiopians, just becuase no one would notice in the world war raging at that point. Eventually, Price remembers that they were trying to kill Makarov, so the group sat in a building while Price walked in their and killed everyone, however as he was about to meet Makarov, Kamarov, a man who even Price admired for his rough beard, appeared tied up and strapped with explosives as a weapon by Makarov. The building exploded, causing the characters to be alarmed for Price's safety; of course. However the building they're waiting in is targeted by God due to their camping tactics and so blows up as well, Soap saves Yuri by throwing him out of a 5th floor window. Unfortunately, as Soap jumps he is hit by a fragment of dust and as such his body is overwhelmed by internal bleeding and the onset of necrosys. Price arrives (again unscathed by the explosion that levelled a city hall) and drags Soap across an area the size of Switzerland, while Soap loses 20 liters of blood per square cm. Soap dies while being cared for by Price, whose attempt to transfer some of his powers to save Soap is not enough to heal him. Price places the gun that killed every antagonist in the series on Soap's body, and takes his journal, vowing for revenge. In his anger Price puches Yuri, who literally flies down a flight of stairs and his regains his ability to speak and is granted the power to expain all plot twists and errors in the story by claiming he did it all; the nuke, how Zakhiev survived losing an arm, proving the existance of God and how the airport scene was relevent to the story.
After being consoled my MacMillan, Prices mentor and Soaps secret father, Price flies off with Yuri to kill Makarov and get revenge, they turn up in Juggernaut armor and rape a whole army, including two helicopters and a few trucks. Just to make it interesting, Price throws off the armour halfway through and still reaches the roof without damage. Just as he reaches the top floor, a helicopter blows a wall off, causing Yuri to be impaled on a spike. Price goes alone and reaches the roof to see Makarov flying off in a RoflCopter but Price somehow manages to jump across a building and up into the air to grab onto the door, throws the pilot out, and moustache-butts the co-pilot out of the copter as it crashes onto the roof. Makarov, unscathed somehow after surviving a helicopter crash on a glass roof (which doesn't break when the helicopter hits it), points a gun to Price's head.
However, just as Price is about to be shot, Yuri appears completely unscathed and distracts Makarov by shooting him in the neck 12 times with a pistol, which leaves no wounds or hinders Makarov in any way either except distracting him from Price, as he shoots Yuri and kills him, Price suddenly draws excess energy stored in his moustache and rugby tackles Makarov to the ground, ties a grappling rope (which materializes out of nowhere from Price's awesomness) to his neck and headbutts him untill the glass below them breaks, causing Makarov to hang himself from the grapple and Price to fall to his death. Price suddenly gets up just when you think it's all over, completely unschathed from this, and starts smoking a cigar before the pigs show up, like a boss.
In his early days, Captain Price had one of those "British" accents, and like saying stuff like "jolly good show old champ". In modern times, however, he has a ruff kind of attitude, usually pissing everybody off, with the exception of Soap MacTavish, who enjoys his attitude. When his comrades are down, he seems to know if they are alright or not, as he is seen saying things like "your alright, get up" in a ruff kind of attitude. Never less, he still says some British word; though mostly mild swear words like arse, bullocks and wanker. He also cares for his friends and comrades, and he never leaves anyone behind.
With the exception of God, Captain Price fears nothing. He doesn't flinch at grues, xenomorphs, or Velociraptors. He thinks Steve Ballmer is a pussy, Jackie Chan a joke, and Arnold Schwarzenegger "just a nerd on steroids who lives with his mom and gave bribes to become governor." Captain Price was Rambo's role model, and Chuck Norris highly respects Price. When Mike Myers walked in a party and everyone ran off screaming, Price just stand, saying, "Pfff, he doesn't look so tough." He even proved his point. One guy stated this is the only time Mike Myers has ever talked, saying the following line, "OMG MY ARM!!!! YOU BROKE MY FUCKING ARM!” Even Darth Sidious will not come within six million trillion feet near him.
edit In Conclusion
“Damn right I'm am”