| Today's featured article
Today's Featured Article - Caliphate
A Caliphate is the idea, gaining currency in the Middle East, that it would be even better than having 57 piss-ant countries that cover their women head-to-toe and stop working five times a day to check their compasses and engage in group prayers, to instead have one huge-mothah-country, stretching from Africa to Indonesia, with colonies in London and in American ghettos and prisons, that does the same thing.
The caliphate would be ruled by a caliph, much as phosphates drunk at soda fountains in upstate Michigan are ruled by a phosph. The caliph would essentially be the dictator of the Muslim world. However, he would be the most holy of clerics, and definitely not the result of politics, assassination, and treachery. His official duties would be limited to interpreting the Koran; also, to chopping off the limbs of persons with different interpretations.
Experts believe that Islam's current infatuation with restoring the ancient caliphate is somewhat less dangerous than having Vladimir Putin reassemble the old Soviet Union, though we may still get 'two for the price of one.'
The first caliph was Abu Bakr, known in the U.S. Air Force as 'Able Baker.' When Mohammed died in 632, the Muslim leadership chose him over the prophet's son-in-law Ali and his daughter Fatima, a well known javelin-thrower.
The Space Shuttle Challenger (NASA Orbiter Vehicle Designation: OV-099) (born: 1983; died: 1986) was the largest government fireworks show ever put on, not even coinciding with Independence Day but serving as an early commemoration of Presidents Day (now "Martin Luther King's Birthday," which was not yet celebrated nationwide).
The Challenger project shows that — despite recent American history in which U.S. Presidents brazenly sacrifice military and diplomatic personnel for the sake of a safe re-election, a "theme" for a Presidency, or an inspiring media event — the tendency to treat people as expendable props went all the way back to Ronald Reagan and was not confined to defending Marines in Lebanon by sentries with unloaded weapons.
The January 28, 1986 launch of OV-099 (which had a number of its own: STS-51-L) was no ordinary space launch. For one thing, a schoolteacher was going to be on board. For another thing, President Ronald Reagan was going to telephone the astronauts with a greeting. Reagan would make carefully scripted remarks demonstrating his commitment to Public Education despite slashing funds because of that silly "It's not in the Constitution" preoccupation of his. The launch was a perfect example of what Americans would now call Homeland Security. It had to go forward despite pesky obstacles, such as the fact that the bitter cold temperature on January 28 would normally call for the launch to be aborted. (more...)
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| November 1: International Destroy Tokyo Day
- 1053 - Birthday of Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster. Every year Nessie celebrates by not having her picture taken, then destroying Tokyo.
- 1136 - Tokyo found destroyed. General consensus is that a wizard did it.
- 1347 - Birthday of Vlad the Impaler, who later goes on to become Dracula. Every year he celebrates his birthday by impaling a few peasants. If no peasants are avaiable for impaling, he impales Tokyo.
- 1512 - Michelangelo completes the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel; his wife complains that if he carries on at the same rate the wallpaper won't be up for Christmas, when she's invited her sister around. They have a row and she storms out, Valezquez and Raphael come around, crack open a few beers and then destroy Tokyo.
- 1897 - Victor Frankenstein stitches together a bunch of dead bodies to create his monster. He orders his monster to destroy Tokyo, but he stitched in the brain of a Dracula-Impaled peasant, who didn't know where Tokyo was. Victor Frankenstein promptly began the creation of a another monster.
- 1937 - Birthday of the Chupacabra, which didn't destroy Tokyo because it lived on a fucking island without one single boat. Bigfoot, however, teamed up with a Yeti and destroyed Tokyo.
- 1945 - US bombs Tokyo for the heck of it. Didn't work out so well.
- 1950 - A series of horrific experiments to re-animate dead tissue result in the creation of Joseph Ratzinger. Tokyo was found destroyed a few days later.
- 1952 - As part of the weapons program Operation Ivy, the U.S. successfully detonates a 10 megaton hydrogen bomb in Eniwetok atoll, located in the Marshall Islands. Most historians regard this as Godzilla's birthday. Godzilla celebrates it every year by attempting to destroy Tokyo, or, if Tokyo is under attack from another monster, by saving Tokyo.
- 1952 - The next day, a loop-hole is discovered in that once Godzilla saves Tokyo, it is once again not under attack from another monster. Therefore, by the transitive property, if another monster attacks Tokyo, Godzilla destroys Tokyo.
- 1953 - Mothra hatches from an egg, destroys Tokyo.
- 1957 - Mothra finishes metamorphosis and changes from a destructive silkworm to a beautiful butterfly. Then destroys Tokyo.
- 1959 - An evil cult performs a dark ritual that results in the birth of one of the most terrifying monsters of all time: Dick Cheney. Cheney promptly goes out and destroys Tokyo.
- 1960 - Ken Griffey Jr.(Seattle Mariners) is born. Then destroys Tokyo.
- 1961 - The Cheney Cult attempt to redeem themsevles, but accidently create Your Mom. Tokyo was later found destroyed in a large crater. Scientist suspect an Asteroid did it, but most teenagers know it was your mother.
- 1965 - Birthday of Gamera. Gamera gets his ass handed to him before he can destroy Tokyo by Godzilla. Since Tokyo was not in any immediate danger, Godzilla destroys Tokyo.
- 1967 - The Japanese monster movies introduce their most terrifying monster character yet: "Hitler" - a human who attacks other nations without provocation and slaughters millions. His most successful movie, "World War II," pits him against another monster, "Stalin." Stalin is given eye beams to counter Hitler's flame-breath. In a strange turn of events, Tokyo is not destroyed. Modern science is baffled.
- 1967 - Cookie Monster born, then destroys Tokyo.
- 1979 - The most successful monster movie of all time is released: "Dick Cheney versus King Ghidora, the Three-Headed Monster." Filming location: Tokyo.
- 2005 - Sesame Street introduces a new song for Cookie Monster, "Cookies are a sometimes food" and he is forced to eat less cookies to promote good eating habits. Driven mad by cookie deprivation, Cookie Monster begins devouring human cast members.
- 2005 - Cookie Monster has run out of cast members. He settles for residents of Tokyo.
- 2005 - Fisher Price created. An innocent child uses one of his toys to destroy Tokyo. Child no longer innocent.
- 2009 - Billy Mays found dead. Underneath his bead, police investigators find plans for an invention to destroy Tokyo. The world mourns his loss by building his dream machine and use it to destroy Tokyo. Afterwards, the rest of the world is not satisfied, so they use to machine to destroy half of the USA as well.
- 2023 - In a major upset, the Dolphins win the Superbowl. The team and its seventeen fans celebrate by destroying Tokyo.
- 2040 - Without warning, there is a semi-Apocalypse. Tokyo is never found again.
- 2157 - Using their newly invented Time Machine, scienctists of Tokyo look into the future to predict when Tokyo will next be destroyed. The day before it is, they take initiative and destroy themselves to piss off the would-be destroyers. With Tokyo destroyed by Tokyo, the world was happy. There was much rejoicing. yaaaaaaay.
- 8753 - World peace has been established, the world celebrates by, gas bombing Tokyo.