The M822 Hand Grenade is an explosive device that resembles a hand. On activation, the device lunges towards the nearest throat or throat-like object and latches on tight with its five "fingers" exploding violently in a gruesome mess. Special care must be taken when activating the grenade. When activated, one should run behind the nearest wall or bush and squat down, so that the grenade cannot "see" you.
Bisto is a popular meat-related drink and/or food stuff brewed and consumed primarily in the United Kingdom. Bisto was invented by mathematician and engineer Frank Bisto in 1826 as a bubble-bath moisturiser for his elderly mother Edith Bisto. Now replaced with products such as Matey, half a pint of Bisto (then called Bisto’s Edible Bath-Time Ointment) was diluted into a bathtub of hot water creating a thick, brown, nourishing gloop in which his mother would sit and be recharged.
The Bisto family are famous for many achievements. Below are some notable members of their empire:Sir. William Bisto is the current CEO of Bisto Inc. He has successfully turned the company’s fortunes around since the great economic crash of 1978 (in which Bisto’s share value dropped significantly) and the company now operates on a profit of over 1.2 billion GBP per annum.
Frank Bisto is attributed with the invention of the original bath time ointment and subsequent meat-related drink we all know and cherish. Robert Bistois known about Bob Bisto, or ‘The Great Bob Bisto’, in only that he was a ringmaster and a notorious slaver who ran his famous travelling circus: ‘The Great Bisto’s Wonderful Circus’ during Victorian times. His gravestone was recently excavated after being discovered next to Westminster Abbey.
The Mini eats other low budget trundlemobiles for breakfast. Reliant Robins? On toast with beans. Austin Allegros? Mostly fried. Ford Granadas? Well, not really because it's on a diet. Driven almost exclusively by the very tall, the Mini is, like London, made entirely of Lego and resides in the garages of Highbury, Greater Paris. On weekends it sits in Kent but between 7PM and 4AM it mainly stands due to the lack of free seats. The only people who drive Minis are females (if you see a man in one, it's a shemale) with the exception of Mr. Bean (apart, of course, from weekends).
The Mini is incredibly safe. In actual fact, less people were killed during construction of Minis than by errant meteorite in the year 1997. Furthermore, the Mini has killed more crimininmininals (yes, that is how you spell crimininmininals) through fatal brake faults than any other vehicle, making the streets safe for regular, law-abiding city zens. Now that's impressive.
The Mini is fast: so fast, it is faster than a slug. And that's a souped-up Cuban speed slug we're talking about here, not just your run-of-the-mill garden type. However it is in no way as fast as John Prescott at a wedding party when the DJ announces that the buffet is open. (more...)
Did you know...
*...that every time you shoot yourself in the head, someone somewhere in the world dies?
GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!
Seriously, we love you.
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.
Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many monthsyears to come!
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!