User:Insineratehymn/Uncyclopedia vs Powershot, Flamewar of the Ages
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Powershot is dead.”
Uncyclopedia vs Powershot, Flamewar of the Ages is the name of an epic mythological tale by the greek poet Homer, a literary masterpiece which was created soon after he wrote the Iliad and the Odyssey. This story is regarded by many art historians and critics to be one of the greatest and most important literary works in all of history, alongside his other two works as well as several works by Oscar Wilde and James Joyce. Strangely enough, this story was published many millennia after Homer's death: the 24th of November, 2006 AD to be exact. This was because the story was not excavated and translated until October of the same year.
This tale speaks about the great war between two opposing groups: the shining utopian land of Uncyclopedia and a group of foul invaders led by an angry zealot who went by the name of Powershot dude. This war lasted from the 12th day of November to the 24th day of November; the year was never specified, although historians believe that it took place after the Trojan War. These warring parties act as a metaphor of the eternal struggle between the forces of intelligence and ignorance. The Uncyclopedians were represented as the ones who carried forth the torch of knowledge, shining wisdom down upon all who saw its light. Powershot dude and his zealous minions were depictions of the ghouls of ignorance, who sought to destroy knowledge at all cost. The story is told in the first-person perspective of a person named Insineratos the Wise, who was the main witness to this event that historians have traced back to here. It is theorized that Homer conducted an interview with Insineratos to come up with this story, so the neutral point of view is in suspect, as is the case with all of greek mythology.
Cast of Characters
The story contains a vibrant cast of individuals, all of whom represent the human qualities of real life. They are arranged by order of appearance in the story.
- Insineratos the Wise
- Azazerus the Zealous
- Modius Operandus the Debater
- Savus Mooseseus the Speaker
- Spurdebosus the Foul-tongued
- Tompkius the All-Seer
- Cainonus the Courageous
- Uncyclonus the Watcher
- Codinios the Commander
- Zombironeus the Brave
- various IP ghouls spread throughout the tale
- Bensön the Great
- Hinoa the Justice-Bringer (formerly known as Hinoa the Fourth)
Uncyclopedia vs Powershot, Flamewar of the Ages
- by Homer
Out of all my adventures in the vast country-lands of Uncyclopedia, none have been more amusing than my confrontation with a zealous imbecile who praised a petty little article known as Powershot. He was an anonymous coward who went by several different aliases, not unlike Anonymous Slashy, a zealous bigot with whom I've had an untold number of flamewars. I eventually won against Anonymous Slashy, and I thought that the encounter with the Powershot zealot would be just as easy. It turns out that the one who praised Powershot was more dense in the skull than Anonymous Slashy, and I quickly discovered that this would be a flamewar much more difficult than any I've ever had in the past.
The Beginning of War
This string of events all began on the 12th of November, 2006. I was browsing through Uncyclopedia's Village Dump in search of an interesting topic, when I found a most peculiar forum post entitled "What do you think about Powershot and the Shark Bite Corperation". Considering the blatant grammar and spelling errors, this had to be from an IP address. I have no respect for anonymous IPs, not after how Anonymous Slashy abused an untold number of proxies during the Great Aspie War of Ought Six. I proceeded to lash out at this IP using my extreme sarcasm, being the first to reply to his thread with:
“Considering I don't know you, I'll be honest and say that it sucks major ass.”
That was when a foolish little noob named Azazerus responded to me, by saying:
“Read it ass hole. You will change forever. Powershot Shark Bite”
But I did not change. I was not about to show the smallest fragment of respect to someone whose article whoring stuck out like a sore thumb. If I was to whore my articles, I would use a more subtle approach. My friend Modius Operandus arrived on the scene supporting my position, saying:
“I too, don't know you, and Powershot & Shark Bite, aren't the best ever. You are, however, partly right; they were written. Also, don't go calling people ass hole, it makes you look like an asshole. Also, also, asshole, in common usage, is generally one word.”
Savus Mooseseus came and showed his detest for article whores, saying:
“Stop being such an article whore.”
There then appeared a sockpuppet named Spurdebosus, who blindly praised Powershot. I knew he was a sockpuppet as only one person could love an article so blatantly stupid. I responded to his appeasement of the article writer:
“Art thou a sockpuppet?”
This then began a long string of bickering between me and Spurdebosus.
“Art thou a damn moron?”
“Actually, you're a moron for calling me a moron.”
“???? that doesn't make any sense you fucking moron.”
“It's called logic. And I really suggest you stop calling me a moron. You're making yourself look like an ass.”
Of course Spangros soon came to break up the argument before it had the opportunity to fill up the entire page.
Then there appeared a poll asking if Powershot would become the next Uncyclopedia in-joke. Many of the votes were negative.
“No. He's just an ass.”
“No. The "raging egoist" joke has already been done. It's called Benson.”
“No, we've got too much good stuff here to let it get buried by more crap. We've also got egos here already, myself included; one more is too many.”
“No. Can I huff it now?”
“No, at least until one of my articles is featured. Yes that's right, I just invented my own way of saying "never".”
The Personal Attacks Start
Then there appeared an anonymous IP, who was obviously frustrated over the negative comments that were being directed at his article. This was most obviously a sockpuppet of Azazer, as the tone of the comment was angry and childish. Upset over these events, he began to implement ad hominem, when he stated:
“Yes. For starters, Insineratehymn, your a fucking retard. I looked at some of the shit you have created and Powershot destroys it. The people who actually have somewhat of a grasp on modern social science and a life off Uncyclopedia love the articles, and the opinions of those people are the only ones which really have any weight. You morons who are addicted to this shit can't comprehend good humor so you must shut your mouths and praise powershot. The real people who populate the majority of this site will adopt powershot and its trademarks as the next insider. Oscar Wilde will be extinct, as well as that Soviet Russia bullshit.”
This statement would initiate the beginning of the end for Powershot, as the common man knows, whence you implement personal attacks in your arguments, your defeat is imminent. Keeping calm throughout, I responded with my extreme sarcasm:
“Why look! It's an open proxy designed solely for the use of ad hominem! Hello, open proxy! Are you enjoying doofusland?”
Another anonymous IP gave the following opinion on Cainonus, Codinios, Modius Operandus, Orion Blasterus, Uncyclonus, Savus Mooseseus, and myself:
“This group of retards make up for 100% of the useless pieces of shit on planet earth.”
Again, I responded with my extreme sarcasm:
“Actually, I make up only .00000000000029518% of the useless pieces of shit on planet earth. There are pieces of shit far worse than I.”
Then Arrive the Death Threats
A massive change of events occurred when the noble Uncyclopedian battle commander Codinios deleted both Powershot and Shark Bite, protecting both from recreation. This was the time when the Powershot zealot had finally snapped, and resorted to handing out death threats, the first of which being:
“Thanks for making a whole section for us you fucking morons. Our legacy has been Permanently sealed. Powershot and Shark Bite will forever live on. Codeine I would personally like to thank you, and then fucking kill you. I am proud to be named the most hated man on Uncyclopedia, and I will be happy to accept the position as ADMIN. Fuck all of you.”
The IP was quickly banned thereafter. Of course, being the persistent little zealot he was, he continued to return with more open proxies, and his death threats becoming more and more desperate and harsh, two of which were directed at Uncyclonus and myself:
“I do believe BENSON is the biggest faggot piece of shit in the entire damn universe. He is just like a little baby compared to the power of the Shark Bite corporation. In reality, BENSON is a little faggot boy with acne who sits behind his parents computer. Powershot shits all over BENSON and his fag followers. On this day of November 17, 2006, I officially declare war on BENSON and his affiliates. I will strike them down with extreme prejudice and eliminate all of you. And OsirisX, you can expect a nice surprise sometime in the next week. LONG LIVE POWERSHOT, IT WILL REIGN OVER ALL OF YOU WITHIN A MATTER OF DAYS. ESPECIALLY OSIRISX, SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR FAMILY, YOUR TIME IS ALMOST UP.”
“Insineratehymn, I would personally like to extend a duel, in which I would be equipped with a machine gun, and you would would have a small dove resting on your shoulder. Insineratehymn is a bitch, Codeine is a bitch, Savethemooses is a bitch, OsirisX is a bitch, nah wait, osiris is deadman, ha ha, goddamn.”
As the reader might expect, he was banned once again. Through the analysis of all the death threats he issued, I discovered that they were all incredibly hollow, as he never acted upon them. Why am I, or any of my brethren here at Uncyclopedia, not dead? It is because the death threats he declared were as empty as the vacuum of space. Fed up with the current situation, the Powershot zealot proceeded to take his flamewar to other forums.
The Final Message
I then reached the point where I was not about to put up with this zealot's ignorance and thick-headedness any longer, and issued the following statement, in hopes to inject his small mind with superior logic:
|The Final Message from Insineratos to Powershot dude
The Fight To the Death
It then became evident that the one behind Powershot would not listen to logic and intelligence, and still continued on his crusade. It then reached the point where Bensön the Great himself came to intervene, and issued a fight to the death. A set of rules had been established by Mr. Briggs and Hinoa for the fight that would follow, but it became apparent that the Powershot zealot refused to follow the rules, and had the foul incentive to cheat, little did the zealot know that he obliviously waltzed into the perfect trap:
“First of all i would just like to say that its great to see that benson himself has finally decided to stop letting his impotent fucking followers talk for him. You sound pretty confident in your abilities, but I got news for you. You are going to be torn to pieces just like everyone else who stands in the way of Powershot, because thats what happens when you interrupt the Shark Bite man. Pretty soon you are going to be hanging upside down with a fork in your ass for all of uncyclopedia to see. You can put your money on that. Secondly we no longer have time to deal with that asshole benson and his followers. He will eventually fall regardless of what we do. So to make this quick I will pull out my machine gun and shoot Insineratehymn, OsirisX, Savethemooses, NintenoRULZ, and benson himself all directly in the brain. This will take off 120,000,000 hp, which is enough to kill you 6 times over. Ironically this is the amount of times that POWERSHOT is capable of killing the entire population of the earth over. Fuck you bitches, this game is over.”
Hinoa quickly banned him for his utter stupidity. At that moment, I noticed something remarkable: when the zealot proclaimed we no longer have time to deal with that asshole benson and his followers, he automatically forfeited the duel, meaning that Bensön won the duel by default, and finally marked the decisive end for Powershot. The trap worked flawlessly. Powershot became responsible for its own demise.
The zealot returns
Just when I had thought this conflict reached its resolution, the Powershot dude chose to return to Uncyclopedia, unchanged and ignorant as ever. I was dealing with other matters at the village dump, when he spouted a message of a derogatory nature on Bensön's forum, which went as follows:
“The creator of this forum has no affiliation with either Azazer Shark Bite or Powershot. Therefore it is a useless piece of shit.”
I expected he would say something of this nature. It was proof-positive that he returned here only to stir up more havoc. If you recall my flaming patterns, first I use a touch of extreme sarcasm, then I crush my opponent into submission with superior logic and intelligence. Following this simple pattern, I shot forth my extreme sarcasm, my reply being:
“Ah yes, so I see you have returned. Have you changed the errors of your ways or are you still an arrogant ass?”
His reply later revealed that my assumptions of him were true: he came back to this holy place unchanged, and he still continued to implement the same tired tactics. He belabored the same statements, and used the same types of logical fallacies.
“If you are inquiring that I do not believe POWERSHOT is the best, your fucking wrong. The only reason benson won the fucked elections was because you and your asshole followers delted all of our votes. We always win Insineratehymn. Always.”
Does he still believe he has won, even though he lost this war long ago? All signs point to yes, it appears. I tried to reveal to him the truth of the current situation:
“Uhh, no you don't. You automatically lost when you started to implement personal attacks and death threats.”
It was later discovered that to him this is not so. He still continued to live in a world where he is a winner at everything, where his logic is as dismantled and twisted as a tangled mess of strings. His next reply went as such:
“You don't understand the meaning of this game. Threats beat your pathetic grammatical attacks just as rock beats scissors, or Powershot beats benson. The people chose us, so we win. Nobody wants to obey a little piece of shit who is so useless. All benson has done is bitched and complained and tried to brainwash others. You are a victem. We can help. We are the cure. We are the right.”
Again, I tried to re-inject his tiny world of warped reality with heavier doses of truth:
“No, threats mean you have run out of intelligence and logical arguments, therefore, you have lost. If you continue to drag this out further, you will still lose. And the people did not choose you, you chose you. But go ahead, live in your own little world. If this still did not get through, I suggest you read the final message.”
Unfortunately, he refused to take this supplement of the truth, and continued on with his rambling which proceeded to nowhere:
“My world is reality, and my vote is the vote of all people. You know how I know you have lost, because you delte every thing I post that you cannot defend. You know it, I know it. Your done. And that is good enough for me. We could have shot down your stupid fuckig message, but you again abused your power by not allowing us to edit. Your done buddy. In life, on uncycylopedia, everywhere. Your done.”
By this point, I could already see that his mind was deteriorating rapidly, as his replies started to contain higher levels of grammar and spelling mistakes. Again, I made an attempt to provide him with the truth:
“No, your world is fantasy, and your vote is your vote. I know how you have lost, because you continued to implement personal attacks and death threats when you ran out of intelligent and logical arguments. You know it. And no, I did not abuse power by not allowing you to edit, an admin did. It is you who is done. And if you still have not read it by now, the final message”
I offered him many baskets filled with knowledge, and he rejected them all, as his replies now contained vulgarity, just as I predicted:
“STOP REFERING TO YOUR FUCKING MESSAGE. ITS BULLSHIT. ITS NOT GOOD. YOUR A SHIT HEAD.”
Again, I pointed out the errors of his statement:
“Once again, you are implementing ad hominem, meaning you have run out of intelligence and logical arguments, therefore, only proving my point.”
I soon discovered that his sanity had reached rock-bottom, as can be seen by this obscene statement he put forth:
“hey shit for brains. everyone hates you. you fucking moron, your not smart. oh, proving my point again. your a retard. we have made countless points and counter points to your arguments. go back into the archives. we are smarter than you. stop re using the only point you have. fucker.”
I merely scoffed at his verbal attack, as defeat would soon await him. I took the great pleasure of unleashing the full force of my logic, and bombarded his feeble intellect with powerful arguments of god-like proportions. The spirits of the great philosophers granted me their energy, as I unleashed a mighty beam of knowledge at my opponent. This had now become a one-sided fight. Victory was assured for my home-land.
“You are now using argumentum ad populum. You are claiming that everyone hates me when it is not true. Then you turned right around and committed ad hominem again by calling me a retard. And no, you did not provide points and counterpoints to our arguments. All you did was commit personal attacks and death threats. Also, if you actually took the time to read the message I have given, you will see that I have provided numerous points, but you did not even glance at it and concluded that it was only one point. You still do not realize the truth: it is that we are, and forever shall be, smarter than you.”
After unleashing this incandescent light of knowledge at my foe, it appeared that I had knocked him into intellectual submission. He got up, shaking, and I told him to leave this holy place, and return when he had learned the ways of the argument. I even provided a link for him so that he would have the opportunity to learn how to argue properly, but alas, it arrived to him too late, as Tompkius struck him down with the mystical ban-hammer. He gave me praise for withstanding the barrage of ignorance that the zealot spewed and keeping calm throughout the ordeal, as any normal man would have degraded just as the Powershot dude had done. This was yet another proud victory for the people of Uncyclopedia.
Just when I thought that we had won, I realised the battle was not over yet. For on the 12th of January 2007, weeks after the war ended, I found several articles replaced with the following message:
“Hello again assholes, Powershot here. You mother fuckers can expect a page blanking on the 12th of every month for the next several centuries. Blocking is futile, proxy\\\\\\\'s are limitless. Enjoy the ride shit heads. - Powershot” I got anxious.