From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
This user has been inactive on Uncyclopedia for more than one year.
Some content has been removed from his or her userpage to help keep Uncyclopedia tidy.
If this is your userpage, please feel free to restore that content and remove this template.
|Vice President||Al Gore|
|Term of office||1993–2001|
|Preceded by||Bush Sr.|
|Succeeded by||The other Bush|
|Political party||The American National Socialist Party|
|Date of birth||1946|
|Place of birth||Arkansas|
|Date of death||25 December, 1 AD|
|Place of death||Imus's bed|
|First Lady||Horacio Hillary Rodman-Clitorin|
This Article is about Bill Clinton. For his Alter-ego, see Iron Man
Bill "The Machine" Clinton (1456-7173) was the 69th President of the United States of America, and a known torpedophile is also the last saxophone player that the jazz quartet Presidential Groovez ever had. He is a legend among men as he claimed he didnt "put his penis into Lewinskys vagina and he was telling the truth-She only gave him head and can you blame him i mean Hillary's no prize pig herself. He never lied under oath, that is a damn conservative lie, as he is the most honest person in the universe (so says Al Franken). Bill Clinton is best known for blowing the saxophone, but he also is known for getting blown in one or more instance in the oval office by ugly fat chicks smoking cigars. He also, at least once a year, is blowing out candles. President Clinton is also known for being the first president to institute the Opposite Presidential Term, in which every thing he said during his second term, is the exact opposite of what he said in his first term. He is the famous inventor of the flashlight which allowed him to sneak all over the Whitehouse to the intern dorm for a midnight cigar and snack. He was raised by wolves. However, the leprauchans kidnapped him at age 7. They turned him EVIL. Luckily, James Earl Jones rescued him. James taught him how to use the force. Then, James was killed by Elvis Presley's brother, Jed. But Jed didn't really do ti cause he was framed. During the eight years he was President, Clinton was considered, by most women, to be the sexiest man alive. Or dead. Not that we're encouraging sex with dead people, mind you. Clinton hates porn films, except the ones with janet reno. He would rather experience a real-live one for himself especially if his wife were in the other room.
Bill Clinton's term of office was mired by economic and political reform. The most serious was some bitch named Hillary Clinton, who kept insisting she was his wife and had actually slept with him. This was widely ignored by everyone until it was revealed that Bill had been secretly cheating on First Lady Monica Lewinsky with Hillary, in a perverse affair which culminated with the Hillary Cigar Incident. House Republicans were outraged, because Bill Clinton had lied to the American public ON TV (an offense reserved only for Republicans) and he, as "was getting laid way, way more than any of the GOP people." (Ken Starr) The vast majority of American men was outraged that it took so long, since it was obvious that Hillary could never shut the mess up long enough to give him a good mouth-hug. He evens tells Hillary what to say when she is giving a speech. He hides in the podium, even though many leading physicists say "..that is anatomically impossible. You cannot and SHOULD NOT cram that into such a small space. It may break the fabric of the universe and doom us all to a satanic death."
Upon his arrival unto this world Clinton came out smoking a cigar and slapped the nurses bum and began stuttering. Despite an obvious facial impairment Bill did well in school, and was voted by his schoolmates 'boy most likely to move to Nazi Germany. He completed his compulsory education with only a mild case of herpes and a B in Predacon geometry. His hobbies are playing the saxophone, inhaling fries, and having a Cameron Diaz - Jessica Alba sandwich (the latter replacing Cindy Crawford from the 90s).
Although almost 600 years old, and grey by the time he was elected president, Clinton was the still the third youngest President and he proved he still had it in him to pick up interns half his age and double his size. His life during the recent centuries is almost undetectable. And we still don't know how he pulled off the Lewinsky scandal at age 600 - this guy must have a lot of stamina, as Bob Dole kept the viagra for himself.
Bill was recently seen beating a talk show host half to death with one finger, which he denies smelt of Monica.
Clinton had fun with Moncia all day and all night.
Bill Clinton was elected in 1992 with a whopping majority of 42.9%. O.K., so he didn't get a majority. But he promised to free kittens. His reasons for this heroic feat are unknown to this day. I DID NOT INHALE!!!!!!!!!!!! Widely believed to support communism\socialism as a political agenda.
edit Domestic Policy
“I really, really like this guy”
Bill Clinton is pegged as the mother of all things that went wrong in his term of office, although this statement is false, because he is a man, which makes it impossible for him to be a mother - Unless..... He was the First President to eat a strong smelling radish and still live. Brocolli had claimed an earlier incumbent. President Clinton is also the first president to also be a part time pimp,and a full time player and is known for fairly hitting on both attractive and overweight/ugly women.
President Clinton is also helping the world by playing his saxophone for the UN and is single-handedly (it has to be single handedly because his other hand is in kofi annan's pants) avoiding nuclear war with Andorra. Andorra later let it be known that they had no intentions of starting a nuclear war but were "Just playing with you guys" -Ms. Jelena V. Pia-Comella.
No one can contest that Bill Clinton is the most pimpin' president ever. And just because he and Monica hooked up doesn't mean he liked her. It only prooves he needed glasses.
Bill Clinton is a strong advocate of the Chicken huffing movement.
Following much internal pressure, Bill Clinton agreed to free jazz in 1996, causing euphoria amongst followers who had maintained its innocence all along.
edit Redefining the Word "Is"
One of Clinton's most ground-breaking reforms to America was the redefining of one of the most commonly used words. Though what he is known best for is how he freed the slaves. Is, which had previously meant 'is,' now meant 'is not.' This change in definition is largely believed to have saved Bill Clinton from being removed from office during his impeachment. It also showed he had balls the size of Texas and an understanding of the English language the size of Rhode Island's smallest lake.
Bill Clinton is the first and as of 2006 the only Black (sheep) President. However it can be said with the greatest certainty that he did not take advantage of UK and left the Queen alone (even if he did want to tap that ASSHAT). He did say that he wished to merge the US with UK and would have made Dianne Queen and Hillary the Empress.
One thing can be said without doubt; the Clinton Administration was surrounded by Bush (and quite possibly, his pubic hair). In truth, Clinton is only between the two Bush's because he served to better the country for Welfare Queens. (See: Ronald Reagan, senile old man and inventor of fiction). And by better the country, I mean to say that sex is possible and should be done at the work place, especially in the oval office. Also they had to replace the carpet when he left due to his uh... Advanced Internship Program. Also he had a very funny hand gesture that is remembered by many to this day!
Other firsts by Clinton include being the first president with a widely known nickname, that being "Boo-Boo", which was given to him by Monica Lewinsky while she was lolling on his johnson. Clinton also had a nickname for Monica, though much less-know. He had christened her as, simply, his "Big, Fat Pickanick Basket."
It is also well known that Bill Clinton is Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein at the same time.
In the Amalgam Comics Universe, Aqua Mariner beheaded him in 1996 while he had sex.
He enjoys long walks on the beach and a nice pair of slacks, except when in the oval office, he likes to be free in there.
edit Official Bill Clinton Theme Song
Bill Clinton's Alter-ego, the Iron Man had a special song written for him for use in his campaign later on in life. It is the song "Iron Man" by Black Sabbath, with alternate lyrics written by The Smokydoggg. This can be considered one of the official theme songs for old slick willy.
"Iron Man" Bill Clinton by The Smokydoggg
Has he lost his mind?
Did he just grab that chick’s behind?
Does he have eyes at all?
(You'd have to be blind to screw Ms. Jones)
He had a 3-way with K-fed,
And Britney Spears, with his member of lead.
Any woman passing there,
Suddenly compelled to give him head…
His member turns to steel,
After ONE glimpse of Jessica Biel,
Screwing hot chicks all the time,
Even after Ken Star made it look like a crime.
Paula Jones wants him,
She’s the ugliest bitch in the world.
But he’s planning more wild romps,
Booty calls he will soon call…
After partyin’ and drinkin’ beer,
Watch your virginity disappear.
Takin’ on all the babes,
From all the parties and the raves.
Monica wants him,
Like every woman in the world.
He’s planning some wild romps,
Booty calls he will soon call…
He dives into bed,
Ready for Lewinsky to give him head.
Old Hillary’s seeing red,
Because Here ‘comes’ Slick Willy again.
Song originally written and performed by Black Sabbath, with new lyrics by The SmokyDoggg. Smokydoggg is in no way affiliated with Black Sabbath.
edit Consorts and children
edit People with whom Bill Clinton has had sex
- Sheila Broflovski
- Monica Lewinsky
- Bill Clinton (CONSTANTLY)
- 50 Cent
- Dawn (the soap dish detergent and the chick from Pokemon)
- Your Mom
- Obi Wan Kenobi
- Liane Cartman
- Debra Lafave
- Jessica Alba
- Jessica Alba's HOT sister
- Cameron Diaz
- The little boy who lives down the street
- Steve Carell
- Dale Earnhadt
- "Iron Jaw" John Kerry (Iron Man Clinton's trusty sidekick!)
- My ex-wife
- Tim Allen
- Elton John
- Cindy Crawford
- Peter Griffin and Lois Griffin at the same time.
- Brian Griffin
- WWE wrestler "The Animal" Batista
- John Cena
- Mary, Mother of Christ
- Laura Bush(After which he was Gore-ified By Grand Emperor Dick Cheney)
- Barbara Bush
- The Bush Twins
- Ann Coulter
- Count Dooku
- Glenn Quagmire (In fact, they're good friends and former fraternity brothers!)
- Rush Limbaugh's mom
- Prophet Muhammad
- Osama Bin Laden
- Paris Hilton (Who hasn't?)
- Jalyn Barker
- Vince McMahon's family
- Jennifer Aniston
- George W. Bush
- "Macho Man" Randy Savage
- Darth George Dubya Bush
- Himself (frequently, in fact any time he's not with someone else)
- Bono's wife
- Brad Pitt
- Everyone in the Mushroom Kingdom
- Courtney Love
- Mother Theresa
- Princess Diana, pre and post mortem
- The Fonz
- George Clooney
- Three out of four of The Beatles (Guess which ones! You'll be pleasantly surprised...)
- Lars Ulrich (he likes it from behind, the freak)
- Matt from next door
- Rick James (He wrote 'Superfreak' afterwards, BITCH!)
- Lindsay Lohan
- The 1993 Denver Broncos
- Yoko Ono
- James Hetfield ("Clinton GOOD! Napster BAD!!")
- Jennifer Lopez
- Hennifer Hlopez
- Tyra Banks
- Paula Jones
- Paula Jones
- Paula Jones
- Paula Jones (he really liked her)
- Every woman from Kazakhstan
- Happy Days female and male cast
- David Bowie
- Al Pacino
- A flock of seagulls (The band AND an actual flock of birds)
- Frank Zappa
- Black Sabbath (did someone say Iron Man?)
- The Group Orgy
- A bunch of Mexican Little People
- Hillary Clinton (Maybe...Nah. Never.)
- "NOT little kids! Don't suspect anything at all!" -Bill
- Michael Jackson
- Al Gore
- Chris Farley
- Jordan Berry
- Sonic the Hedgehog
- Seung-Hui Cho
- Jack Sparrow
- Allah Ackbar
Please note, that there is an 95% chance that you have had sex with Bill Clinton, even if you don't know it. If you are in that small percentage of not have had sex with him, he is probably waiting for the end of the world when everyone else is dead so he has something to do. Read below for the one exception.
edit People with whom Bill Clinton has not had sex
- Hillary Clinton, who is really a man with a really big dick
- Newt Gingrich
- Condolezza Rice (He's Darth George Dubya Bush's piece of ass, damnit)
- My Mom (too nasty)
- Rob Schneider (DAMN even CLINTON won't!!!)
- Olli Hokkanen
- Carrot Top (ewww, ewww, ewwwwww)
- Chuck Norris, a recent attempt almost led to the untimely death of Mr. Clinton
edit Sex Positions Invented by Former President Clinton
- The wolfie-style
- The Insovietrussiawomenscrewclinton (He invented the motto "I feel your pain!" after this doozy)
- The KamehamemegaOVER9000 triple piruette from behind (reportedly fatal if done incorrectly)
- The Underwater upstairs rear admiral
- The Triple mega super-piledriver of doom (He was Gore-ified by Grand Emperor Dick Cheney after giving this one to Darth George Dubya Bush's wife... yet he somehow survived.)
- The OMFG
- The PWNT
- The miner 69er
- The Linguisky
- The Clinton Cleopostangus
- The Hide the Cigar
- The Hot Clinton wrap
- The three legged Cheneysaurus Rex
- The Democrat Donkey Punch (Of course)
- The HillaryclintonaskedyoufuckedWHO
- The Atomic Kitten Huffing Bang
- The Southern Chili Dog Slam from HELL
edit Bill Clinton's Greatest Achievement
Bill Clinton is the inadvertent creator of nudism. One fine day he was getting out of the bed and after changing out of his pajamas he looked in the mirror and discovered that he really liked his own hair. After putting on his suit he decided he liked it considerably less. After trying on four suits he got bored and tired and, completely naked, called upon the nearest servant girl to feed him breakfast. After some recooping, his brain was still sick of the thought of clothing and so he decided to go without. After having two very important business meetings he settled in for his 2 O'clock appointment with his mistress followed by lunch. After this he went on to have his 2.30 affair with the maid, followed by his 2.32 with his chief, followed by afternoon tea and some lite intercourse.
After his 2.45, he decided to go for a walk around the neighbourhood. Much to his dissapointment, very few people complemented him on his hair. Amidst the screams of, 'Dear God, he's naked' only one person commented at all on his nice ass and even fewer people noticed his hair. This observation skill can be attributed to the severed head of Mary, Queen of Scots whose eyes informed her brain of the goings on after observing them through a small rift in space and time. Her brain then informed her voicebox, tongue and all other relevant body parts of what she wanted to be her last words and after the rest of the body was left in agony, the barely functioning head managed to say nothing but instead make an extremely shocked expression. Wittnesses were intrigued by this expression and dedicated their lives to the study of human body language in an attempt to interpret what could have caused such shock They would accept that such shock could be contributed to a blunt axe taking two swift blows to her neck. After three years, two months and fourteen days, they interpretted the expression and the events which caused it, spread the news, invented both nudism and the art of procrastination, were executed themselves after spending three years, two months and fourteen days without exuting others who were due for beheading and with their last breaths witnessed the hollocost and all before afternoon tea. Their executioners did intend to interpret their shocked facial expression but because the use of procrastination was the current fad, they instead spent three years, two months and fourteen days playing with balls of string, failed to warn people about the Holocaust, were eventually executed by their equally apathetic executioners and ended their lives with a very shocked look on their faces after wittnessing the re-election of George "the little drummer boy" W Bush. Of course one of his biggest achievement is his movie "Spank The Dog".Movie sold over 6 tickets and that was his big achievement.
Additionally, Bill Clinton contributed to the arousal of many people. In the early 1990s, he ordered that all panties be made with lace and pink decorations on them. Because of that, panties quickly became even more popular with men and women everywhere.
- "There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by me getting hoovered by a fat chick."
- From his first inaugural address, Jan. 20, 1993
- "Posterity is the world to come; the world for whom we hold our ideals, from whom we have borrowed our planet, and to whom we bear sacred responsibility. Speaking of 'posterity', check out the 'posterity' on that blonde down by the Marine Corps band, Al."
- First Inaugural Address (January 20, 1993)
- "Like YOU don't know, sweet thang!"
- In response to a teenager's question on his underwear in 1994.
- "The era of Big Government is over. I've killed the Democratic Party for a dozen years and crippled any possibility of a liberal economic agenda. The Left hates me now. But, hey, you Republicans are BOUND to screw it up and go after me over ...oh, I don't know...some sex scandal or something and make me a hero again!"
- State of the Union Address (January 1995)
- "George Bush really doesn't care about black people?"
- Bill Clinton speaking with Kayne West about George W. Bush.
- "I think it's important to remember that international trade not only fosters peace, but prosperity for those countries involved. By opening doors and shutting down trade barriers, we improve not only....No,no...yes,yes...just like that, sugar...now just the tip...yeah....now, down to the 'root'...that's it, sweetie, try not to gag....Uh...and improve not only our lives, but the lives of others around the world."
- Bill Clinton dictating an economic speech, while in the Oval Office-1995.
- "It's not smoking if you don't inhale, Mr. Cheney"
- "It depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is. If the--if he--if 'is' is the in the is if --if--he--is means is and never has been are or fist, that is not or never--that is one thing. If it means there is none, that was a completely false or true statement....Now, if someone had asked me on that day, are you having any kind of sexual relations with Ms. Lewinsky, that is, asked me a question in the present tense, I would have said yes... I mean no. NO! And it would have been completely true. No. False."
Spank the Dog (1997)---The President
Contact (1997)---Himself getting oral sex from Jodi Foster
Kill Bill Vol. 1 (2003)---as Bill
Kill Bill Vol. 2 (2004)---as Bill
An Inconvenient Truth (2006)---Man operating the Al Gore puppet
edit See Also
- Al Gore
- Kanye West
- Monica Lewinsky's Blue Dress
- Monica Lewinsky
- Jana Lewinski
- United States Presidents
- Sexaholics Anonymous
- George Clinton
- Ovary Office
- Super AIDS
- Shit Fetish
- Kill Bill
George H. W. Bush
|President of the United States|
George W. Bush
|President of Televison|
1988 - 1889
John Paul II