User:Indyhan/Worst 100 Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts
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According to Snape's True Word, there are over 1,628,752.3 things that students are not allowed to do at Hogwart's School of Witchcraft And Wizardry. According to him, the first and foremost of these offenses, is to become a Gryffindor. The rest and best are listed below, in no particular order, for your viewing pleasure
1) First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.
2) I will not borrow Moody’s magical eye to see if Snape wears underwear.
3) I will not spread rumors about what Flitwick does with his quill when he thinks he’s alone.
4) I am not allowed to sing, "We're Off to See the Wizard" while going to the Headmaster's office.
5) I am not allowed to give Remus Lupin a flea collar.
6) "To conquer the Earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not a career choice.
7) I am not allowed to ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.
8) I am not allowed to start a betting pool on this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.
9) The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball
10) I am not allowed to make lightsaber sounds with my wand.
12) I will not go to class skyclad.
13) I am not allowed to claim that growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is "extra Herbology work."
14) I will not use my socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin-House mascot.
15) If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, assume that I am not allowed to use it.
16) I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and bet on which House will come out alive.
17) I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "The Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas Feast.
18) I am not allowed to declare an official "Hug A Slytherin Day."
19) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways.
20) It is not necessary to yell, "BURN!" Whenever Snape takes points away from Gryffindor.
21) I am not allowed to joke about Lupin's "time of the month."
22) I will not put the Imperius Curse on myself “to see what happens.”
23) I will not follow potion instructions in reverse order 'to see what happens'.
24) I will stop referring to showering as "Giving Moaning-Myrtle an eye-full."
25) I will not make, "OMGWTF" a spell.
26) It is not necessary to yell, "BAMF" every time I Apparate.
27) I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways.
28) I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor shall I insist that their colors indicate that they're "covered in bees."
29) "I've heard every joke possible about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.
30) I am not to refer to the Summoning Charm as "The Force."
31) I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "Told you I was Hard Core."
32) If a classmate falls asleep, I will not draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
33) House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
34) I will not start every Potion's class by asking Snape if the potion is acceptable as Body Lotion.
35) I will not call the Weasley twins, "bookends."
36) I will not call the Patil twins, "bookends."
37) I am not allowed to spike the punch with Polyjuice Potion to "freak out Harry Potter"
38) There is no such thing as a were-thylacine.
39) I will not lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a broom closet to see if hot gay sex ensues.
40) Tricking a school House Elf to strip of its clothing does not make it mine.
41) I do not weigh the same as a duck.
42) I do not have a Velociraptor Patronus.
43) I will not lick Trevor.
44) Gryffindor Courage does not come in bottles labeled, "Firewhiskey," and I should stop saying it does.
45) I will not dress up as Voldemort on Halloween.
46) It is a bad idea to tell Snape he takes himself to seriously.
47) I am not allowed to scream "Rape! Rape!" in a public place every time Professor Snape walks by.
48) I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying Volvo.
49) I am not allowed to bring a Magic 8 Ball to Divination.
50) I will not tell the first years that Professor Snape is the Voice of God.
51) I will not look in the restricted section of the library for porn.
52) I will not go to the Slytherin common room, chain the doors together, pull out a pistol, and shoot the students.
53) I am not a sloth Animagus.
54) I will not put on an Australian accent during Care of Magical Creatures classes.
55) Selling fake flying brooms on the black market will bit me in the back-side.
56) I will not tell the first years to build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.
57) I will not invite a Death Eater to Hogwarts on Career Choice Day.
58) My life's motto may not be: "What happens in Hogwarts, stays in Hogwarts".
59) Just because there are only three "Unforgivable Curses", it does not mean that any other curse is "pretty much forgivable".
60) Hogsmeade is not a "wretched hive of scum and villainy".
61) I am not allowed out of my house dorm when anyone from the Ministry of Magic visits Hogwarts.
62) I will not tell first years that "any true wizard or witch" can see Thestrals, and that if they can't they "obviously aren't cut out for this school".
63) I will not refer to Dumbledore as "Gandalf the Gay".
64) I will not meow or hiss at Professor McGonagall.
65) "Y'all check this-here shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell.
67) I will not tell first years that Trelawney always has made accurate predictions.
68) I will not pretend to melt when exposed to water.
69) My name is not "The Dark Lord Happypants" and I am not allowed to label my test papers as such.
70) I will not tell first years that there is candy in Hagrid's beard.
71) I will not wear an Invisibility Cloak and lurk around in the girl’s shower room.
72) I am not allowed to convince first years that invisible creatures will eat their brains if they don't wear their underpants over their regular pants.
73) I will not wrap up Quidditch commentary with "Remember, save a broomstick; ride a wizard!"
74) There is not, and never has been, a fifth house at Hogwarts. I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.
75) I am not to ask Harry if his Voldie senses are tingling.
76) I will not tell around what I think would happen if Snape and McGonagall were locked together in a small room.
77) I will not glue myself to Professor Snape to see if he sleeps upside down
78) I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
79) I will not spit in a cauldron and then claim it's a Beautification Potion.
80) I will not mock Dumbledore with exaggerated limb movements.
81) I will not tell first years to go into the Forbidden Forest and call Centaurs "Filthy Half-Breeds".
82) I will not tell first years to go into the Forbidden Forest and walk up to a bunch of giant spiders.
83) While wand safety is an important issue, I am no longer allowed to distribute any pamphlet, which makes reference to Belinda the Buttless.
84) The correct way to report to a teacher's office is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" not "I have it on good authority you have no evidence".
85) When someone accuses me of not wearing any drawers, I should ignore them. Attempting to prove them wrong is indecent. Especially if I can't.
86) I will not dare first years to arm wrestle with Hagrid
87) I will not refer to Hufflepuffs as "cannon fodder".
88) There is no "Bring a Muggle to School” day.
89) I am not allowed to say that Seamus Finnegan is "after me lucky charms."
90) There is no such thing as an "Invisibility Thong".
91) I will not use the phrase "like a cow in the springtime" in any of my essays.
92) I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor.
93) I may not tell people that if they anger me I will eat their first born child.
94) "42" is not the answer to every O.W.L or N.E.W.T exam paper.
95) Neither is "Yo Mamma".
96) It is not my “duty” to inform the staff of the large bag of weed under Goyle's bed.
97) I will not joke about the fact that the Beaters hit people in the face with their balls.
98) I am not allowed to take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
99) I will not tell first years that Dumbledore’s beard is fake, then dare them to prove me wrong.
100) I will not say the phrase, "Get a Life" to Voldemort.