From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
All it needs is love, or a good beating with a stick.
|National Anthem : Wowowee|
|Largest City|| |
|Population|| 7.5 billion(if you include heaven), and counting|
99.9% Catholic (Priests & Stuff),0.1% bored (non religious & the likes),100% Koreans and Japanese invading
|Government||God and Celebrities|
|Fuehrer||Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo and The Almighty Non-Existant One|
|Independence||When you have money.|
|National Hero|| Manny Pacquiao, Raganciano Kapitapitagan Junior, |
|National Languages||La Salle Taft Coñospeakism, Salitang-kalyeish, Squatteralog, Tadbaliksish, Gay Lingo, Chuva Chenesish, Taglish|
|Religions||Roman Catholicism, Islam, Ang Dating Daan, Iglesia ni Cristo, El Shaddai, Evangelican Christianity, Pacquiaoism, Wowowee-ism, Habitual Ignorance, Moneyism, Celebriteism|
|University with the Lowest IQ||University of the Philippines|
|Official Videogame||Istarkrapt, Kawnter-Strayk, Ragnarock, Dutah, Hap Layp,|
|Official Boy Bands||Cueshe, Hale, Chicosci, 6 Cycle Mind|
|Gay Icons||Sam Milby, Piolo Pascual, Boy Abunda, Kris Aquino, BB Gandanghari Richard, Raymond and Ruffa Gutierrez, Paco Arespacochaga, Rey Pumaloy, Mama Monchang, Yael Yuzon, Boyet Fajardo (never heard of him) and the list goes on...|
|Retardedest Province||Sulu - the decapitation capital of the world (thanks to our export-quality Muslim terrorists from Al Qaeda in Mindanao)|
|Famous Bars||Planet Cubao Jakol Club, Kantutan sa kalye KTV and bar, Bangbang-Ali, Do-Re-Mi, Lanai, Tiririt, Stealing Heaven, Air Force 1, Chicos, MACHO-POP|
|Best Rip-off of the Year|| |
“What's the frickin' use of this place anyway? Do women over here get raped by a Marine for a lawsuit, then a green card? Come on, man! Be serious!”
“Now I regret having a tattoo of their frickin' flag.”
“Let's change the constitution!”
The Philippines' main exports are basically anything exported by Korea, China or any other Asian country with an alphabet so complicated that no average white or black shit could even begin to understand. They also export tapes of their natural and national disasters to CNN, but CNN usually only gives a shit for a day.
To help combat the nation's widespread poverty, the Philippines has implemented its own welfare system called ABS-CBN and GMA(Not the Fuehrer). Outreach programs like "Wowowee" and "Kapamilya Deal or No Deal" give local Filipino citizens and TFC subscribers hopes of fortune and 15 seconds of shout-out fame to keep their minds off the fact that there is virtually no food on their table.
Earlier in the 20th century, the Philippines attempted to make itself stand out from the other Asian countries by emphasizing comfort service (sex trade). They were doing great at first by kicking Singapore's ass however, their attempts proved to be futile when some guy decided to fuck up the 1935 constitution. Thailand proved to have the better sex trade since their transgendered hookers do that ping-pong ball trick. And so, The Philippines became the "All Mighty Great Theocratic Empire"
Whenever the EDSA volcano erupts, the event is called People Pawis La' Resistance. There have been two major eruptions and countless minor eruptions since 1986. Pyroclastic flows, lava, and of course people flow from these eruptions inexorably find their way to Malacañang Palace where water cannons and armed military guards hold them at bay. They end up disheartened and hopeless and complain their sorry asses to ABS-CBN or GMA(not hte fuehrer) the following day.
The Philippines is a group of sinking islands along the Pacific Ring of Fire. By the time of this writing, it is in the midst of being swallowed by the love of God because its population is just downright stupid to vote for officials and then complain their asses off when certain officials don't do their their job.
During the campaign period of the 2000 US elections, George W. Bush is said to have promised to launch an atomic bomb into Antarctica in an attempt to raise water levels (finally something positive on his record!). This will eventually end the Filipino diaspora, and the citizens of the U.S. will finally get a hold of their old jobs taken away from them by Imperialists Filipinos, such as driving cabs, picking fruits, collecting garbage, flipping burgers, working at Costco or Target etc.
The Philippines is also known for its vast gorgeous beaches where beautiful Filipino women await foreign military personel for some "sexy time". Many of them wear shirts that say "Who's your Daddy?" to entice their would-be partners.
The Philippine government can be defined as the most deviant of all government systems around the world. Getting yourself involved in the government means that you need money, guns, artillery and a bad-ass militia. The country was once run by a very good and famous queen for 20 years: Her Royal Highness Imelda Marcos and her husband-of-convenience which she decided to blame all of the problems to, Ferdinand. Just before the end of of the conjugal monarchy, the general population became infected with a rare strain of virus that makes its victims into mindless evangelists. They brought down the 20-year Marcos empire and brought forth a New Republic ruled by another Queen who basically had the same idea as Imelda. This is the start of the Great Theocratic Imperial Empire of God
It was like the Star Wars Trilogy, the only difference is that Corazon Aquino had an IQ lower than that of an autistic kid - she can speak fluent French though. The masses were so disappointed because the new queen was not a Jedi and had no lightsaber. To appease the masses, the President of the New Republic changed all the names of the roads and the airport. Her triumph was short-lived because the majority of the motorists got lost and weren't able to report for work for one year, causing the stock market crash of 1986. "Damn, where the fuck is Buendia? I've been going around in circles in Gil Puyat Ave. and still can't find Buendia nigga!", said one black motorist.
The greatest aviation tragedy also happened during her reign. The planes kept circling 'til they ran out of fuel and crashed because the Manila International Airport wasn't there. "It's like the fuckin' Bermuda Triangle, bitch!", said one bruha survivor. It turned out that she changed the name of the airport to Ninoy Aquino International Airport in honor of her worthless, good-for-nothing Communist husband as soon as she sat her ass in the palace throne for the very first time.
Aside from the name change fiasco, her other accomplishments were putting her husband's sorry ass in the 500 peso bill and spawning an evil daughter who single handedly caused the downfall of the feminist movement by being a filthy whore, and the slow death of the Philippine Entertainment Industry. Her daughter also caused the deaths of countless professional basketball players and actors by infecting them with an unknown and illegal type of sexually transmitted disease. Some say this is where HIV comes from.
After this, the masses progressed from just plain stupid to brainwashed catholic retards. After the French-speaking president with a vagina for a brain, they elected a guy with some usefulness,Fidel V Ramos. The hardest part of his reign was to fix all the crap and bullshit the former president gave and was successful. Then they elected an ex-actor who can't control his penis and fucked the majority of the hotties in the country. And lastly a midget, The current Fuehrer or technically speaking, The Servant of God.
As of the moment, the government is still in the shit hole and the incumbent president is still a midget who loves Barrack Obama.
The primary task of the Philippine Government is the fixing of the roads and highways - actually this is the only thing that the government does especially just before election. They fix roads even if they're as smooth as a baby's ass just to give the voters the impression that they're doing something really important. Given that all Filipino voters are stupid9except the 0.1% who saw that everything was a facade), they let the incumbents win in their reelection bid, mostly through vote buying.
Branches of the Philippine Government
The Philippine Government has 4 branches:
- The Entertainment/Movie Industry
- The Media
- The Squatters
- The Church
The Entertainment/Movie Industry is run by actors and actresses who has no experiences whatsoever. They are the ones that actually run the government and create policies while the actual politicians provide the entertainment. The only branch of the government that was not contaminated by the entertainment industry is the now defunct Judicial System.
The Judicial System was the only branch of the government that actually requires you to work your ass off for 10 years in getting a degree, and most importantly it requires the use of your brain. However, Justice Hilario Davide crossed over to the dark side of the entertainment industry when he sworn in Gloria Macapagal Arroyo's reign during the 9957th People Pawis La' Resistance. As a result, the Judicial System was abolished. This launched him to Superstardome in the movie industry and debuted in Regal Films' blockbuster hit "Anak Gumising Ka Matutulog Na Tayo"(Child Wake Up and Let's Sleep). The sequel "Halika Dito Wag Kang Lalapit"(Come Here Don't Come Near Me) was not as successful because it was not a gay movie and Jesus wasn't in it.
The next branch is the Media. They are powerful because of their exposés and shit that they show to the brainwashed citizens for more money. Of course they only do their exposes if the corrupt politicians involved refuse to pay them. The most powerful person in this group is Ben Tulfo - host of the TV sitcom "Bitag"(Bullshit). However, the politicians became aware of his show and his blitzkrieg tactics in his exposes and was able to outwit him in his own game. Ben Tulfo,Danielle Mendoza being the genius that he is, devised a brilliant countermeasure by changing the name of his show to "Bitag: X-treme" (Bullshit: More Extreme than that shit) - it was a huge victory for Ben Tulfo thus earning him the title of Genghis Khan: Leader of the Brainwashed.
Ben Tulfo, by the way, is the son of Mama Monchang and Rey Pumaloy. His show "Bitag"(Bullshit) and "Bitag: X-treme"(Bullshit: More Extreme than that shit) won several awards including the coveted "Best Comedy Show" in the KBP (Kiking Bagong Pakinis)(or in English:Shining New Armpit) Music Awards.
Next is the Squatters. They are a force to be reckoned with because they are dirty poor. They are so powerful that they are able to acquire lands from honest, tax-paying middle-class citizens of the country for free; and get away with it by simply invoking their right to be dirtily poor. The squatters are the most protected group in the government - they are being protected by the media, politicians, and the movie industry whenever the middle class sue their ass for taking their property. They even make movies about it and portray the owner of the property as a heartless villain. In effect, they own 90% of the land in the country. They are also the highest income generating group because of drug pushing(the majority of the drug pushers are in their area),raping, stealing(especially electricity), borrowing money without paying it back, joining in ABS and GMA and illegal gambling.The Squatters are so powerful that even though the government gives them new land, all they have to do is complain that their jobs are so far away that they can return to their former land. The Squatter's most powerful enemy is called The MMDA bearing the weird colors of Pink and Blue.
And lastly is the most powerful branch of the government called The Church. With just a snap of a finger, they can order all the branches of the government(including the Media and the powerful Squatters) to their willing less bidding. They control the media, the government, the business and even the now defunct Science institution. By not following the orders of The Almighty Church could be your ticket straight to Hell and be shun by the majority of the population. The leader of the Church is of course, non other than the Non-Existant God. But the Archdioceses is pretty much the Lord and Master of the country along with the Inglesia ni Kristo or Church of Christ Fucking Sake.
The Enemy of the Almighty Government is non other than the 0.1% of the population called The Rationalists. They mostly do their jobs on the internet by telling the world sarcastically how great The Philippines is. But pretty soon, they will be forcefully killed by The Church when they again change the constitution.
The history of the Philippines began when Magellan lost in a Kung-Fu match with Chong-Li. The owner of the United Nations of Esperanza de Kinsenieta Dios Mio (Dr. Phil) banished his sorry ass from his homeland. However, Dr Phil stated that Magellan can only return to his fly-ass crib if he discovered another country for him, or make him a bad-ass old school rap album. Since Magellan can't rap and wants to do things the "hard way" out of huburistic pride, he decided to find a country for TEHHH owner. Dr. Phil announced this on the Oprah Winfrey show.
Alas, Mr.Magellan was killed by a fish when he decided to eat it for breakfast. Boasting that 60 men is suffice enough to get 1,200 fishes in the river. When word came that a new land was found, Mr. Legazpi took over by brainwashing the Filipinos to Catholocism and giving them chickens to be used for cock fighting since Filipinos don't want to use their own dicks.
The United Nations of Esperanza de Kinsenieta Dios Mio ruled over the Philippines for 333 years. The Filipinos did not resist this because they were punk ass bitches and gangstahs and made themselves hoes of the descendants of Dr. Phil and the oldest living person, Larry King. At the turn of the 20th Century, the Mighty Morphin' Americans conquered the Philippines by being DAH BOMB,scaring The Spaniards and buying it for 25 something somethings through the "I Blame You For Sinking My Boat So I Can Steal Your Lands War". The Filipinos gladly welcomed their Big White Brothers hoping that under American rule, there would finally be snow in the Philippines and they can petition themselves to be U.S citizens. Not realizing the promise of snow and citizenship, the Filipinos were forever restless under the Americans by not understanding that the Americans were just teaching the Filipinos on how not to run a crappy Democracy that is similar to the 1987 bullshit constitution.
It was during the rule of the United Nations of España de Kinsenieta Dios Mio, who also was planting seeds of wisdom in Mexico, that there was a bet. The two top leaders of the United Nations of Esperanza de Kinsenieta Dios Mio, Moe and Curly, wanted to see how many natives they could fuck and produce hybrids of people who really could not amount to anything. Considering the standard of living in either country, the competition ended up as a draw. Now, these people are invading other countries like Maine and Portugal.
The Philippines was annexed by Japan as a Japanese province in World War II and made this shit-ass country their bitch because Japan was their fucking daddy who invented the word "Motherfucker" because Japan was everyone's daddy so when they invade a country, the women say "Oh my GOD! Japan is invading again so I have no choice but to be a fucking BITCH!". The Filipino populace were being controlled by hypnotic Anime and are being used as slave laborers, nannies, and sex slaves by their Japanese masters. During this time, the Filipinos showed their courage and fought the Japanese simply because they think American products are better than Japanese ones - and they think that Americans have longer schlongs than the Japs. Unfortunately, the Japanese got bored and left the Filipinos to fend for themselves. After 50 years, this point of view changed and the blonde haired bitches of the Philippines now want to go to Japan to get a blue card and shit and become hoes for the Japs.
After the Japanese occupation, The Philippines was once again the ruler of the United States until its independence on July 4th 1946.
In the 60's were The Philippines was fucked up rich. The Filipinos decided to vote a new leader called Ferdinand Marcos. But thanks to his bitch ass wife called Empress Marcos, she and her cronies was able to fuck up Ferdinand's mind and thus making the country's populace get mad. The Empress was able to steal Yamashita's platinum HDTV's and all of the businesses through the use of her husband. The people declared People Pawis La' Resistance and exiled the Marcos's asses to Hawaii since the Super Fucking Rich Universal Bank because if of all the money Imelda borrowed for lame ass shoes. But alas, Ferdinand died of leukemia and since The Empress was the only one left, she was deemed too useless and was sent back to The Philippines which by no is ruled through a Christian Republic.
In the 1998 presidential elections, a movie star with no political experience won the presidency. He once starred in countless action films. Did I mention he had no political experience and was a movie star? Thankfully he got screwed by the "dwarf". And so it's the dwarf who is the current Fuehrer.
Mostly catholic with a mix of protestanism, wowoweeism, Eat-Bulagaism and Islam in the southern islands (Yeah, ragheads but slant eyes and Spanish names).
Eat Bulagaism was started by great philisophers Tito, Vick and Joey. Bulagaism's main rival is Wowoweeism. Recently, one of the founders of bulagaism, Joey, made an announcement against wowoweeism's prohet, Willie. But this is total bullshit because they just did this as a popularity stunt that raked in a huge amount of donations for both religions.
Overtime, Bulagaism and Wowoweeism mixed with Catholocism since they're both compatible. This makes religion in the Philipines from 100% bullshit to 200% bullshit.
The Filipinos speak something like an obscure form of Esperanto, only more confusing. It is like a cross between badly spelled Spanish and gibberish. Like Aba! Bababa ba ang baba ng bumababang babae?(Aha! Are the girls lower part gonna go down?), and other weird, almost unpronunciable shit.
The second most spoken language in the Philippines is Taglish, a cross between Tagalog and English.
Oddly enough, despite the difficulty in pronouncing English syllables, Filipinos insist on anglicizing words that are Spanish in origin. Hence, names such as Padilla (pa-DEEL-ya ... or the more correct pa-DEE-ya), Sevilla (se-VEEL-ya / se-VEE-ya) or Revilla (re-VEEL-ya / re-VEE-ya) end up being pronounced as puh-DILL-yuh, suh-VILL-yuh and ruh-VILL-yuh. Actually, only the coños and Filipinos affecting American accents make this mistake in pronunciation.
Also, Filipinos have Quadresillions of other languages, dialects, and sub-dialects. One other popular language is called Ilocano. Ilocano is a Germanic like Filipino language where they make up new words by combining a whole bunch of words into one. Broken down, its name is actually a mix of English and Spanish "I loca, no?" which means "I crazy, yes?"
Although Filipinos are naturally hospitable and like to speak to Foreigners or Tourists, the latter must watch out for possible misunderstandings. A famous tourist spot, Fort Santiago, in Metro Manila, is pronounced as "Poh-chan-chah-goh" by 99% of the Manilans.
Equally misunderstood by a lot of tourists is what they pronounce as "Bawl To May Sah Boulevard" when asking for directions. This is spelled "Bawal Tumae sa Blvd."(No shitting in the Boulevard allowed) which is a sign all busy boulevards have, which tells Filipinos "Do not Shit on the Boulevard". It is not a name of a single street, so if you are a tourist, do not ask Filipinos for the direction to get back to your hotel, mentioning that your hotel is in fact near "Bawl To May Sa Blvd."
If you see Filipino males holding hands in the busy streets of Metro Manila, be aware that this is common practice among Filipino males who are not necessarily gay. The real reason for holding hands is that these males come from the rural areas, usually the Visayas and Mindanao islands. They hold hands so that they do not lose one another in the big city which speaks a language they might not be able to speak themselves. Metro Manila is known for rampant corruption that even the police usually do not bother giving directions to provincial people who cannot fatten their wallets.
Tourists who are diabetic must be aware that they would only be understood by Filipinos if they tell them they have "Jah-BEH-tess"(Diabetes). A word or warning: For any medical emergencies regarding your diabetic condition, correctly pronouncing diabetes will only hasten your death.
Arby Antonio together with Joepher Laxina/Ken Ladines first discovered the Philippines before Magellan. What happened was, after they have discovered the island. They just sent an email to Magellan that they have discovered an Island(which happens to be the Philippines). So the great Magellan went to this island. However to the eagerness of Magellan to be popular, he threatened the Historians to indicate in the history books that he discovered the Philippines and not Ms. Arby Antonio and Mrs. Joepher Laxina/Ken Ladines. But it turns out Magellan was not that bad of a person as in return he gave Arby, Joepher and Ken the privelege (Powers kuno!!!) to leave as long as they want and not get older. Currently Arby, Joepher and Ken are one of the oldest human being on the planet to date and still working...damn... Just so you know...Yah heard! But apparently, Larry King is still considered to be the oldest living dinosaur.
True History of the Discovery of the Philippines
This is an action to those not very credible and very untrue articles that was written and came out regarding the discovery of the Philippines(Just like the one above c/o "Sizzling Cyzel and Anemic Mavic" a.k.a. Super twins). The real story is that Cyzel Caceres and Victoria Austria are the ones who really discovered the Philippines (for real man, u know what I'm sayin!. This is to get the facts straight(Kulot kasi dati)(or in English:"It was curly before". So to all doubters who are still wondering to who really(i mean really) discover the Philippines, is without a doubt the two great explorers(aside from Dora) Cyzel Caceres and Victoria Austria. Though their contributions were not documented(wala pa kasing standards before)(Or in English:"There were no standards before") it will never be forgotten. Thanks to these women who sacrifice their meaningless time just to put the Philippines in the map , they are the true and first Filipino heroes...By the way, they came from the malaysian land mass and then came to the Philippines.
- Ape-Shit Crazy
- Asian Women
- Asian People
- Bat Fuck Insane
- Pounding Bat Sodomy
- Bat shit crazy stuff
- More Shit
|Countries and territories of Asia|
|Euroasia||Armenia - Azerbaijan - Cyprus - Georgia - Japan-France - Russia - Turkey (the country, not the bird) - Lebanon|
|East Asia||People's Republic of China - Hong Kong - Japan - Kansai Republic - Korea (north) (south) (pick 'em) - Macau - Mongolia - Taiwan (Republic of Taiwan)|
|Western Asia||Afghanistan - Arabia - Bahrain - Iran - Iraq - Israel - Jordan - Kuwait - Oman - Pakistan - Palestine - Qatar - Saudi Arabia - Syria - United Arab Emirates - Wherethefuckistan - Yemen|
|Central Asia||Kazakhstan - Kyrgyzstan - Tajikistan - Turkmenistan - Uzbekistan - other-stan|
|South Asia||Bangladesh - Bhutan - India - Maldives - Nepal - Sri Lanka - Tibet|
|Southeast Asia||Cambodia - East Timor - Indonesia - Laos - Burma - Malaysia - Philippines - Singapore - Thailand - West Timor - Vietnam|