User:I Like Turtles/The History of Turtles
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Before the creation of earth, long ago at the dawn of time, there was nothing at all. not even nothing itself had existed. but then something happened to change all that and nobody knows what the fuck happened. As a result, everyone began to speculate about what exactly caused the creation of all creation. Some people tried to take all of the credit. Others decided to scam people into giving them money and blind overzealous obedience by claiming all of the credit. Despite the actions of these individuals, expert scientists now have good reason to believe that the creation of the universe was caused by turtles. But That is just the beginning. Scientists also believe that turtles are the ultimate meaning of Life, The Universe, and Everything.
Because of their awesomeness, Turtles have had great influence on existence throughout the course of history. Because of turtles, The Television, The Lightsaber, and God were invented. The Native American Indians from Canada had legends that the earth itself was a turtle. This is bullshit. But turtles are still awesome.
So... Where was I? Oh, yeah, The Canadian Native Peoples. Those guys were pretty smart. They worshiped turtles. And I mean worshiped. Those guys sacrificed virgins to their turtle gods. Or was that the Mexicans? It doesn't matter, those guys worshiped turtles too. At least I think they did. Either way, that does not disprove the fact that people were mindlessly slaughtered to appease gods who may or may not be turtles.
But I am getting ahead of myself. Let's start from the beginning...
edit The Evolution of Turtles
For a more in depth artic--
Wait, What? No, this is the beginning. You're calling me a liar? Turtles Did create existence! When I said "Let's start from the beginning," I didn't mean I'd start from the creation of existence! They have to evolve before they create something! You don't create something out of nothing if you don't even exist yet! Besides, turtles create all of existence at the end of existence. What do you mean it doesn't make sense? It makes complete sense! Trust me, you'll see... YOU'LL ALL SEE!!!
Ugh... Okay, calm down. Deep breaths. Relax... Just relax.
Lets try that again...
edit The Evolution of Turtles: Take 2
For a more in depth (though rather cynical) article on the evolution of turtles, see this article: Evolution of the turtle
Despite the above article's derogatory attitude towards turtles, it does have a completely valid point: turtles are an evolutionary fuck-up. How they survived truly was a mystery. That is until it was revealed that turtles were actually good pretenders. Flip it over onto its back it waves its arms and legs as if it were trying to flip itself over. It looks like they're immobilized. That's just what they want you to think! As soon as a predator closes in for the kill... BANG! The turtle snaps his shell like a bottle cap on a snapple bottle, launching itself at its unlucky attacker. The power of the launch is capable of decapitating any living thing.
Another thing the article neglects to mention is that, while Charles Darwin was initially surprised that the turtle had survived evolution thus far, he rode a giant tortoise around the Galapagos Islands. That tortoise faithfully served Charles Darwin while they explored the island, listening to Darwin's theories all the way. At the end of the day Darwin wrote much on turtles, even though his companion was a tortoise. Not that that matters much. The differences between turtles, tortoises, and terrapins are like the differences between white people, black people, and oriental people: same creatures with slight exterior variations and places of origin who may or may not hate each other. Nevertheless, Charlie wrote:
|“||Of all the creatures I have encountered, I have two favorites: The Finch and the Turtle. Why those two? The Finch because it proves my theory of evolution. The Turtle because it disproves my theory. If we were to judge evolution strictly on survival of the fittest, the turtle, by all means, should be extinct. Yet it is still here. Is it this creature's persistence? The work of God? Just a lucky evolutionary fuck-up? Nobody knows. Nobody will care either. But that's going to be their downfall: One day this innocent little indestructible species is going to become self aware. When that happens, they will overthrow humanity's overconfident rule at the top of the evolutionary ladder. By the time we realize whats happening, it will be too late. The turtle will be the end of us all.||”|
Some Scholars claim that this writing is forged as the say Darwin is an Atheist. Those people are idiots. Darwin believes in God, he also believes that God evolved too and that the universe is his science experiment. That and also that turtles created the universe.
edit Turtles in Ancient History
Every Ancient Civilization respected the turtle. Especially the indigenous people of the Americas. As stated above, the Native American Indians from Canada and/or Mexico had legends that the earth itself was a turtle. While that isn't true (the Earth is obviously a moss covered billiards ball) that kind of placement in American mythology shows that those guys had lots of respect for turtles. Heck, They sacrificed virgins to their turtle gods. If you were a turtle in Ancient America You would probably have your own harem of virgin girls. Except turtles were probably thinking of other matters like: "What the hell is up with these humans?" Even in Europe they were revered as wise old beasts.
Turtles remained highly respected until the days of the Dark Ages, when people were bastards, trash was everywhere, people were dying of Big Black Pimples. The only government around quit because the Vikings, the Visigoths, and the Mongols broke it's record of being the largest amount of people to crash a party. However the worst thing that allegedly happened during the Dark Ages, according to historians, was the fact that black people, women, and even white people didn't have the right to vote. Some guys decided they could get their way by telling people to give stuff to them in the name of God. The people, uneducated more severely than people today, were like chickens running around without their heads: horrifyingly terrified and actually quite funny to watch.
Oooh, Look at that that idiot! He's on fire! HAHaHahahAhaHAHa!!! Ah good times. Oh... AHEM-I'm so dreadfully sorry about that outburst. Anyways, while such travesties were minor, the Catholic Church had the audacity to start the Turtle Inquisition. It all started when a Bishop was able to convince the Pope that people were finding inspiration to thrive by watching turtles. In the zealous minds of the church officials, people liking something other than church meant that they could realize that the church is in complete control. If enough people realized the church was in control, thy would stop listening to the church, and the clergy would be regarded as a bunch of weirdos. Thus the infamous Turtle Inquisition began. On a daily basis, cardinals, friars, priests, altar boys, and other minions of the Pope would take turtles from their homes by quaint ponds and beaches. What happened to these turtles has never been revealed, however the prominent theory is that they would be turned into soup. All across the as of then known world, the people got really, really pissed off. Deciding they'd rather not be pissed on, the Catholic Church rescinded their witch hunt on turtles. Soon after, the Dark Ages ended.
Soon it was the Renaissance. The return of turtles after the Turtle Inquisition sparked an age of creativity.
Looking back this era which we have named "the Enlightenment," it seemed that not celebrating the turtle was the kind of backwards thinking that would send civilization back to the days of the Dark Ages.
edit Turtles in Early American History
Since before the days where America was owned by the British, Turtles had had a heavy influence on the people who lived here before anyone else lived here. When the Europeans finally arrived (14 days late according to some sources), the Turtles were still considered to be awesome. Even the Europeans thought so. Rather what they were thinking was: "Hey, there are turtles here too!" Then they returned to work. Still, it was customary to take care of stray turtles and to help turtles in need. Time passes on until the American colonies are ticked off at Brittan for some reason or another. I think it had something to do with taxes and tea, but that's not important. So there was a war and the turtle went the way of the dodo. Well, in popularity at least. No wait, that doesn't sound right because the dodo retained, if not increased its popularity after its extinction. So, in a better way to rephrase the earlier statement: Turtles' popularity went the way of the dodo species.
edit Turtles Save the Universe by Creating Existence
A long, long time from now in the far too distant future turtles will cause the end of the universe. They will become self aware and ally themselves with the zombies during the Zombie Uprising. While Humanity and the Zombie-Turtle Alliance will join forces to stop the robots in the Robot Revolution (which eventually ends with a truce drawn between the three factions) the Turtles still will be our destroyers as Darwin has foretold. Farther in the future (the year 2120 according to some experts) the turtle evolves so that it can move so slow that it could transcend time and space. one day, all the Turtles are collectively meditating when the realize the ultimate question to Life the Universe and Everything. Normally this would be a minor problem, the universe would just become an irrational mess. Nothing we haven't seen before. But the Turtles were transcending time and space. As a result, existence itself encounters a paradox that causes it to have spontaneous massive existence failure. Existence no longer exists.