User:Hyperbole/Worst 100 Suicide Ideas of All Time

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Suicide is easy (and painless!) Tried-and-true methods include shooting yourself in the face, slicing your wrists, and taking sleeping pills. With such time-honored approaches, why improvise?

Should you feel the need to improvise, here are some ideas you should not try.

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100. Two words: claw hammer.

99. It takes about two packs of cigarettes a day for 40 years to kill yourself via lung cancer. Try to smoke them all at once.

98. Pick up a pair of scissors and run as fast as you can.

97. Find an anthill in your backyard and tie yourself to it. Note: this idea is less bad if you live in Africa.

96. Dig out your old NES and invite Dick Cheney to a game of Duck Hunt.

95. Walk through Damascus doing a ventriloquist act with a Mohammed dummy.

94. Try to eat yourself. Be sure to eat your hands last; otherwise, this becomes more difficult.

93. Put a grenade all the way inside your mouth, with only the pin sticking out. Then walk up to a friend and say "Could you help me get this metal thing out of my teeth?"

92. Join the Westboro Baptist Church, and just before you get to a protest, call the police and tell them you decided not to show up after all.

91. Try to drink a gallon of milk in an hour. (Kids, don't try this at home! It's messy, and could stain the carpet!)

[edit] 90-81

90. Get elected to the Senate, and blow everybody's mind by dying of starvation after a three-and-a-half week filibuster.

89. Mentos and diet coke. Lots.

88. Drive off a cliff and scream "I regret nothing!" Then realize that isn't true and try to rattle off all your regrets in your remaining eight seconds of life.

87. Attempt to strangle yourself with a phone. This idea is even worse if your phone is cordless or a mobile.

86. Make it your life's mission to give Barack Obama a wedgie.

85. Next time you're in chemistry class, don't waft the fumes toward your nose. Just take a big ol' sniff.

84. Tie plastic bags around your feet and go jogging every day until you become the first person to die of Athlete's Foot.

83. For her next birthday, give your wife a Beretta and pictures of you teabagging her sister.

82. Glue a big white "FAIL" caption to yourself and, you know those fireworks you bought last year? Go nuts.

81. You know those kids who pierce their own ears? Slice open your forearms and sew them back together with pink, fuzzy yarn. Now that's hardcore.

[edit] 80-71

80. Have seconds of that lovely Mexican pork.

79. Start a political movement to elect a Magic Eight Ball President of the United States. Succeed.

78. When you're confronted by a bear, is it better to confront and intimidate it, stand perfectly still, or play dead? Gather data by trying all three.

77. Wander around catching squirrels and biting their heads off until one finally gives you rabies.

76. Refuse to stop watching Neon Genesis Evangelion until you understand it.

75. Rig up a Rube-Goldberg machine above your bed that plays Russian Roulette with you every morning.

74. Sleep with a one-pound weight on your chest. Then, every night, add an ounce.

73. How many helium balloons would it take to carry you up into the sky? Why calculate it, when you can find out?

72. For one year, do everything conceivably possible to increase your risk of heart disease.

71. Stand on a tall block of ice with a noose made of razor wire around your neck. Super-glue your hands to your hair. Then jump. It might hurt, but when you're done, it will look like you ripped your own fucking head off. People will think you were hardcore.

[edit] 70-61

70. You know how they always tell you not to antagonize the bees? Antagonize the bees.

69. Drink with a friend until he passes out. Then, challenge him to a game of chicken!

68. Buy a blind person a steamroller. Then, lie down in his or her driveway.

67. Take out your appendix. Then go out on the street, hold it over your head, and exclaim, "You know what this is, motherfuckers? It's my fucking APPENDIX."

66. Go up to a motorcycle gang and ask loudly, "Are you guys purring? Because all I see is a bunch of PUSSIES!"

65. Sit down in a comfortable position, and begin lightly scratching the end of one limb with your fingernail. Just enough to scratch a tiny bit. After about five decades you will have worn away your limbs, except for one arm. Then begin between your eyes, and over the next year or so lightly scratch your way into your own head. Feel free to eat/sleep and otherwise live your life as normal while doing this.

64. Strap a bomb to yourself and run into a crowded marketplace shouting "JIHAD!!!". If no one takes you out, you can always blow yourself up.

63. Hang yourself from the rafters with your own intestines. It don't get much more hardcore than that.

62. Try to give yourself a sex change - to a brand-new gender you just invented.

61. Impale yourself on a pencil, just to get pencils banned from schools.

[edit] 60-51

60. Tie your limbs to as many different cars as possible and wait for them to start moving. It helps if they all go at the same time. Wheeee!

59. Get revenge on the guy in the mirror who always copies you by head-butting him straight on!

58. Take a bath in kerosene oil, then have a smoke.

57. Make some bathtub toast.

56. Go to a pond, cover yourself with bread crumbs, and allow ducks to peck at you until you die.

55. Hang out with midgets... those slimy evil bastards.

54. Swallow a garden hose.

53. Tell someone that you'll give them $50 if they drag you behind their car on a gravel road and don't stop till you stop screaming.

52. Make yourself a suit out of meat and fish intestines. Go swimming off the coast of Florida.

51. Follow through with one of those fights you picked over XBox live.

[edit] 50-41

50. Try to cut open a grenade with a chainsaw.

49. Tie a rope to your neck, grab a gun, light yourself on fire, drink poison, and then jump off a cliff. If all goes well, the gunshot will graze the rope and sever it, you'll land in the ocean below, which will extinguish the fire, the impact from the fall will make you vomit up the poison, and then you'll die in the hospital - of hypothermia.

48. Use a jackhammer as a sex toy.

47. Use scissors to cut off large pieces of flesh until you eventually die from exsanguination.

46. Spinal Tap. Gig. Tie yourself to a speaker and feel yourself melt.

45. Go to a watermill and fall onto the wheel. You will get crushed and, if that fails, drowned. Mwahahaha.

44. Get into an imaginary lift from the top of the Empire State Building.

43. Try to overdose on salt. Pour it right down your throat. For extra points, snort it.

42. Set up a trampoline over a pool of sharks and wear shoes with razors on the bottom.

41. Set a bear trap in front of your toilet. Then get really drunk, pass out, and wake up disoriented.

[edit] 40-31

40. Eat a stick of dynamite, fuse-first. Then, every time you take a dump, try to light it on fire as it emerges.

39. Commit the most deplorable sins you can think of, all the while taunting God to strike you dead.

38. Reach down your own mouth and attempt to pull out your alimentary canal with one swift tug.

37. Discover the secret to creating life, follow through, and realize your folly and vow to kill your creation, meet it, listen to its tale of woe, agree to make a partner for it, back out at the last minute, causing your creation to kill your newlywed wife, and chase it all over the world seeking revenge until you die on a passing ship in the arctic.

[edit] 30-21

30. Tell your girlfriend you WONT take her to see new moon.

29. Paint your sheets with red nazi crosses and run through compton screaming fuck dr. dre if you dont get shot try taking off the sheets and do the same thing

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