User:Hyperbole/Unlympics:UnNews:Saudia Arabia to boycott Olympics, hold Muslympics instead

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Kabul, Saudi Arabia - In an emergency press release, Saudi Arabia foreign minister Muhammed al-Mohammed Abu Mohammed bin Mohammed announced that Saudi Arabia would be boycotting the "infidel" Olympic games in China and instead holding their own games, dubbed the "Muslympics."

"وكان يقصد بها أعراب الجزيرة العربية، ولم يكن هناك لغة عربية معينة، لكن جميع اللغات التي تكلمت بها القبائل والأقوام التي كان!!" exclaimed Mohammed. We didn't have a translator available, since our Middle Eastern correspondent, Sandy Ashim, was busy at the time.

According to a press release, the Muslympics will consist of the following events:

  • Pin the Tail on Mecca - athletes will handed the severed tail of a donkey. They will then be blindfolded, will run around in a circle with their forehead pressed against an aluminum baseball bat, and will then face Mecca as quickly as possible and pray.
  • Fatwa Issuance - athletes will be made the honorary ayatollah of a city block. They will then race to issue fatwas as quickly as possible, until the inhabitants of that block are completely freed of having to exercise any independent judgment.
  • Terror - athletes will be locked in a small room with a bunny, a monkey, and a camel. They will then attempt to frighten the animals. Bonus points will be awarded if the bunny dies of a heart attack, the monkey poops itself, and/or the camel acknowledges that the athlete is in the room.
  • Telling foreigners that there are a lot of Muslims in Indonesia - this one kind of explains itself.
  • Allah is Great - athletes will stand on a street corner and talk about how great Allah is. The last one to collapse of exhaustion is the winner.

Instead of the Western "medals" system, the winners of each event will be awarded, upon reaching heaven, with a virgin made of gold, a virgin made of silver, and a virgin made of aluminum (a recent fatwa having declared that bronze is the metal of the infidels and a great offense to God).

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