Trig Palin

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Redirected from User:Hyperbole/Trig Palin)
Jump to: navigation, search
      This article is about Sarah Palin's retarded baby. For the in-depth story about Bristol Palin fucking a chimpanzee, please see Trig Palin (retard)
Trig Palin doesn't know what's going on in this picture, because he is a retarded baby.

Trig Palin is a retarded baby.

However, that sentence doesn't really do justice to Trig Palin, because Trig Palin is the most important retarded baby ever to have lived. Of the 100 billion human beings who have ever lived, every one of them has been a baby at some point, and 2.5 billion of them have been retarded. Thus, there have been more retarded babies in human history than the combined populations of India and China.

And yet not a single one of them have been important - except Trig Palin. Trig Palin is to retarded babies as Björk is to Icelanders. Trig Palin is to retarded babies as Frederick Douglass is to antebellum African-Americans. Trig Palin is to retarded babies as Sarah Palin is to retarded adults. In other words, when it comes to retarded babies, you could use the rest as shark bait, and no one would even notice: Trig Palin is all that matters.

It is no exaggeration to say that Trig Palin is the champagne of retarded babies.

Evidence of Trig Palin's notability

Trig Palin is a public figure.

One can caption this image as "Trig Palin preforming the Nazi salute" with legal impunity as Trig Palin is a public figure

Trig Palin is the only retarded baby ever considered to be a public figure for the purpose of slander and libel laws, making him the only retarded baby in history who it is legally permissible to publicly insult.

For example, consider an arbitrary retarded baby named Jessica. If one were to write "Jessica is a total slut," this would be grounds for a libel lawsuit, as Jessica is not a public figure, but merely an ordinary retarded baby. The assertion of Jessica's total sluttiness would be considered a defamation of her character, even though Jessica can't possibly have that much character, as she is (as mentioned) a retarded baby.

In Trig Palin's case, however, it is entirely legal to defame the character which he does not possess. Thus, the sentence "Trig Palin is ironically named, since he will never master counting all his toes, let alone Trigonometry," is entirely legal to speak, write, and disseminate. It is also true.

Additionally, one can speak utter lies and falsehoods regarding Trig Palin with no legal ramifications, so long as such lies fall under the legal definition of parody. For example, one can say that Trig Palin is "gay and stupid and ugly and fat" or "sells his semen to Tom Cruise" without violating any laws or exposing oneself to a libel suit.

Due to Trig Palin's notability and status as a public figure, he is the only retarded baby with a Wikipedia page, making Category:Retarded babies a lonely and arguably superfluous category.

Trig Palin imbues his user with political capital.

Michael Jackson's attempt to gain political capital failed, because this is not Trig Palin.
When held, either like a football or like He-Man's Power Sword, Trig Palin grants his holder the power of political capital. Trig Palin can thus be said to resemble a special item in a video game, in that possessing him grants special abilities to his owner. Sarah Palin most famously tapped Trig Palin's power in 2008, when she gained political capital simply by bragging that she had chosen not to abort Trig Palin, an act which would have spared the world one more retarded baby.

Although it would not normally be considered politically advantageous to push something retarded out of one's vagina, Trig Palin is no ordinary retard: he is the first and only retarded baby ever to be used for political gain.

Another useful feature of Trig Palin is his stowability. When not being used for political gain, Trig Palin is fairly easy to tuck away out of sight. For example, in the television show Sarah Palin's Alaska, Sarah Palin talks repeatedly about the importance of taking family vacations with her children - except for Trig, who rarely appears and has apparently been locked in an attic somewhere.

Trig Palin may have saved the world.

It is not difficult to imagine an alternate reality where Trig Palin was never conceived in an explosion of redneck semen and extra chromosomes. In this reality, there would have been no conspiracy theories about Trig Palin actually being the child of his own sister. The absence of these theories would have delayed the necessity of announcing that Bristol Palin had been knocked up by a ridiculous hick, and thus Sarah Palin's "commonsense conservatism" might have rung at least slightly true with her base.

As a result, the non-existence of Trig Palin could have led to the election of John McCain, who would likely have escalated tensions with Iran, leading to a global nuclear war that subsequently destroyed all life on planet Earth.

Next time you wake up, as you're fixing your morning coffee, consider: you owe your very life to a retarded baby.

Trig Palin is a polite and articulate young man.

No, just kidding. Trig Palin can't even control whether his mouth is open or closed at any given moment.

See also

Personal tools