User:Hyperbole/Swan song

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

Heyyyyyyyy.... your sex is on fire!! *dies*

The phrase "Swan song" refers to an ancient belief that the mute swan (Cygnus olor) sings one beautiful song the moment before it dies, and, upon completion of this beautiful song, collapses into a somewhat less beautiful decomposing swan corpse.

This belief is completely true.

Until the year 2003, swan songs were perceived by humans as a disorganized collection of squawking and honking, with an occasional hiss thrown in. In 2003, however, advances in acoustic technology and duck linguistics led researchers to the discovery that swan songs are actually pieces of popular music, generally arranged in either a classic rock or disco style.

Since then, it has become possible for swan songs to be evaluated by musicologists and music critics. One of the most common observations about swan songs is that, unlike human popular music, which is usually about adolescent boys pretending to be the boyfriend of pubescent girls, swan songs usually contain lyrics about the swan's impending death.

Thus, where a human pop artist might sing "Baby, you know I'll love you forever," a swan might sing "My wing looks so weird all torn off like that" or "This coyote's breath smells like ass." Debate continues over which style of lyric is the more poetic of the two.

Swans are also criticized for overusing the I-IV-V-IV chord structure, and for writing an excessive number of death songs that sound exactly like "Louie, Louie." In fact, it's estimated that over 50% of swan swongs are simply "Louie, Louie" with the verses changed around a little bit. And, since no one knows the verses to "Louie, Louie," they're often nearly indistinguishable from the real song.

edit Examples of swan songs

In early 2004, recording equipment was set up near the Clayton State University duck pond in hopes of capturing a swan song. Fortunately, in July 2004, a swan died of an Aspergillus infection. Once translated and rendered, her song turned out to have the following lyrics:

A Louie, Louie! Oh, no! I said ah I'm gonna die!
A Louie, Louie! Oh, no! I said ah I'm gonna die!
Someone call an ambulance!
I'm dying of a fucking Aspergillis infection!
My swan toes are all swollen up
How did my swan toes get so fucking swollen?
I said a Louie, Louie! Oh, no! I said

At the conclusion of that lyric, the swan collapsed and died. Immediately afterwards, her corpse was consumed by raccoons.

edit Swan-human collaborations


The album cover for "Swan Duet" by J.T. Anderson and some dead swan.

For a brief period of time in the late 2000s, some musicans experimented with swan-human collaborations. A musician would find a dying swan, and would strum on a guitar while the swan emitted its final squawks and honks. The recording would then be translated, and the song re-released as a collaboration.

This technique led to several famous songs, perhaps the most famous among them being "Swan Duet" by J.T. Anderson and some dead swan:

A Louie, Louie! Oh, no! I said ah I'm gonna die!
A Louie, Louie! Oh, no! I said ah I'm gonna die!
Goodbye, cruel world. Cause this hippie.
Grabbed some rat poison and he poisoned me.
He's strumming hard on his guitar
I wish I could run him over with a car!
I said a Louie, Louie! Oh, no! I said ah I'm gonna die!

Although Swan Duet achieved commercial success, some music critics felt the "guitar/car" rhyme was awkward and forced, and declared some dead swan a mediocre lyricist at best. Other critics complained that, as J.T. Anderson was not actually playing "Louie, Louie" at the time, but rather fingerpicking some hippie douchebag campfire song, the lyrics and instrumentation did not really match. At all. It was basically just two unrelated tracks of music playing at the same time for no conceivable artistic reason.

Somewhat unsurprisingly, PETA has since taken to protesting the practice of swan-human collaborations. But, fuck PETA.

edit Swan bands

On very rare occasions, a medium to large group of swans will break into song at once. Although this may sound like an utter cacophony to the casual listener, these songs, once translated, have been discovered to be rife with complex harmonies. For example, on January 1, 2011, a radio tag picked up the following from a flying wedge of swans:

Whoaa oohh oohh ooohhh, for the longest time! Whoaa oohh oohh! For the longest -
Hey, those guys have fireworks down there! (ah woo-ooo-oo)
This is gonna be so fucking cool! (oh oh ohhhh)
Let's fly in closer
To get a better-

Some scientists have questioned why the swans would not be able to interpret the fact that they were singing as a warning not to fly into the fireworks. This question has yet to be conclusively answered, but the working hypothesis is that swans just aren't very smart.

edit See Also

Personal tools