User:Hyperbole/Excited delirium

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edit Excited delirium

Excited delirium is a fatal and totally legit medical condition. It has been scientifically demonstrated as real, and is 100.9999 + plus fifty zillion infinity percent bullshit-free.[1] The condition is caused or exacerbated by undergoing police or government custody while under the influence of: 1) black-persion-iosis; 2) mexican-itis; 3) poverty-stricken-transient-alism; 4) generally-undesirable-riffy-raffiness; or 5) any of various other diagnosable medical conditions that are generally regarded as impediments to obtaining adequte legal representation and the ability to press charges for so-called quote "improper treatment" slash "brutality" slash "negligence" etc etc etc blah blah blah-dee fukin' blah.

edit Treatments for excited delirium

Although no known cure exists for the impromptu death sentence fatal condition, there are several treatments available that have proven effective in preventing excited-delerium-related death. Unfortunately, most victims of this condition fail to adequately avail themselves of treatment before it is too late. This is especially tragic, since such treatments are often inexpensive, or even free, and may be self-administered by persons with absolutely no medical training.

Such treatments include:

  • Politely notifying an officer of any known pre-existing allergic reaction to tazer stuns, nightsticks, etc.
  • Assisting detaining officers with helpful tips, such as "please don't hurt yourself while standing on my throat, it has a maximum load capacity of fewer than four persons."
  • Learning sign language to further assist officers (for those uncapable of speaking while experiencing discomfort due to a stood-on throat)
  • Learning to moan in Morse code (for those unskilled in using sign language while hog-tied)

edit Un-treatments for excited delirium

Although such self-help treatments are effective and readily available, it should be noted that there are some treatments which are contra-indicated, ill-advised, and will probably only make things worse.

Such contra-indicated treatments include:

  • "Please don't kill me, I have a family to support."[2]
  • Peace vigils
  • Fucking with the cops in any way shape or form, including such activities as "looking at me", "breathing" and "being a ninny-head"
  • Being insane enough, or whatever, to end up institutionalized, get a grip!

edit Notes

  1. http://www.calpoliceimage.org/excited_delirium_dec.htm
  2. http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=7622314
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