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“What the Whale!?”
Pond Whales are the smallest whales known to exist. Some critics claim that Pond Whales are really just dolphins, but what do critics know? They're always criticizing and complaining and don't know anything about this stuff, because I've been doing this a lot longer than them, and know what the hell I'm talking about.
Anyway, it's just a matter of a name. You call it a dolphin, I call it a pond whale. So there. These animals are so dumb that they don't even know what their names are anyway, so who gives a crap?
Anyway, like the name implies, Pond Whales are miniature whales that live in ponds. They were discovered by Discovery Kids one fine Autumn (November for idiots) day. They found a Whale in the Ocean that had been beached on the sand and took it to their swimming pool. Only to find they had none. So they put it in a pond and it had many babbies. And one was ugly. And the other Pond Whales teased the ugly whale. But one day the ugly pond whale grew into a beautiful swan! Hurray! My father told me this story every night before my bedtime, and every word of it is true. Every word.
Pond Whales are descended from dolphins, and are frequently mistaken for dolphins, as noted. They are believed by scientists and used carpet-salespersons to have come into existence about 70 years ago when some dolphins became sick of being dolphins, and decided to be whales instead. This was more a matter of attitude than anything else. But they weren't big enough so they would move to ponds so they could be the "big fish in a small lake." Only pond whales aren't fish. Everyone knows they are actually a type of carburetor.
Pond whales are divided into two groups, those that like Jeff Foxworthy, and those that don't. You can always tell the ones that do, because they usually wear a shirt that says "If you look like a dolphin, but feel like a whale, you just might be a pond whale."
Pond whales love to eat mexican food, as well as mexicans. There is serious discussion of making the pond whale the symbol of the republican party, replacing the elephant, for this reason.
Pond whales can be found wherever water, good times, and Jeff Foxworthy can be found, but they especially like going to Nevada, where it is legal for them to have sex with prostitutes.
edit Alternate theory of origin
Some people believe that Pond Whales came into being this way:
<Jan & Jana>Wonder twin powers, activate!
<Jan>Form of, a pond!
<Jana>Form of, a whale!
<Jana>Um, why can't we change back?
<Jan>I don't know. Maybe I forgot to pay the bill this month, fnord.
Like all mammals, Pond Whales have enormous breasts that squirt milk all the time, even the men. It is a very beautiful thing to watch the pond whales squirting their milk at each other as a joke. Pond whale milk is very good for you! It's full of Pond Whaley-goodness!
Pond whales are unusual, in that they breathe through their sony walkmen, meaning that they cannot stop listening to depesche mode or else they will drown to death. Although some critics claim that this is not true, and is just a scam made up by some rebellious young pond whales to get out of having to pay attention in class.
edit Pond Whale intelligence
edit Pond Whales and humans
Pond Whales are a delicacy to squeegee kids and various other species of hobo. They also look funny when they die. Dying is funny. Pond Whales are known for having fine pelts that are worn by hands in puppet shows. Frog orgys sometimes take place in pond whale pelts. Also, elephants use the skins to keep their ears warm on chilly African nights. African nights... African Knights! Cool!
Pond whales live for aproximately 15 minuites and are an endangered species. Also, every time you masturbate, a pond whale dies. This is probably because of your discharge, you unGodly Hell-mongerer!
In 1937 the Nazis banned all contact with the Pond Whales and began to make crazy laws like that you could not go to a Pond Whale store or hire one. Soon he made them wear badges so all would know they were Pond Whales. Hitler Von Killington claimed Pond Whales were the reason for the great depression.
Pond Whales don't live so long so they don't really need to eat. But they like Marshmallows and Visigoths. Pond whales also sometimes eat smaller pond whales if the smaller pond whales are small enough, or are covered in some kind of condiment, or if the other pond whales pressured one of them to do it.
edit Pond Whales in culture
Rosie O' Donnell looks like a Pond Whale. Ewwwwwwwwww. Pond whales will soon be featured in another spinoff of the Rugrats that nobody will watch.
Another instance when Pond Whales impacted human culture was in the 1969 moon landing. This was not done by a man at all! Just a Pond Whale in disguise as a man calling himself Neil I-got-a-strong-arm. It's real name was Coco. Coco helped to make the first Lunar landing a success and also found no intelligent life there...just David Duke. Pond Whales were also important in many other historical happenins, like 9/11, and the eighties.
edit Chapter 7: I like things in 7s