User:Hrodulf/2001Script

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I did not write most of this. It was culled from various places on the internet in late 2004, including http://www.hometheaterforum.com/htf/showthread.php?t=81187. I'll try to find the audio file part of it was based on, since it was made by rearranging audio from the movie, and was hilarious.

Found it:
http://www.prometheus-music.com/audio/2001-movie-parody.mp3

Ok, this is self-explanatory. Some of it I ripped off from the internet,
some of it (most of the stuff not in discovery) I made up.

WARNING : BAD LANGUAGE AND INCREDIBLY STUPID

2001 : A Space Aenead

Open to - a group of monkeys. They find a Rectangular Thing.

<LeaderMonkey>Dude, lets like, totally kill stuff.
<OtherMonkey>Huh huh huh . . . yeah, killing stuff kicks ass.

they get attacked by a cheetah::

<Other Monkey>Huh huh, this sucks.

FAST FORWARD TO 2001

<Silly people on spaceships>Lets pad the film a little bit.
pad. . . . pad . . . . pad . . . . until . . .

<Leader Dude>We found this secret rectangle on the moon. It had a powerful
effect on me (pulls out a large bone and starts smashing things with it)

Suddenly he is attacked by one of the cheetahs from earlier in the movie::

<Chester>Yo, eat cheetos.

they land on the moon, and poke the Secret Rectangle::

<SecretRectangle>HOW ARE YOU GENTLEMEN. ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US.
<Leader Dude>WHAT YOU SAY?
<SecretRectangle>YOU HAVE NO CHANCE TO SURVIVE MAKE YOUR TIME. HA HA HA.

the Secret Rectangle reprograms every VCR in the universe to record every

one of the thousands of episodes of Sesame Street in history, converts the
entire thing to a single binary stream, and sends it in a huge packet to
the Jupiter Rectangle, in the form of an audio burst that is INCREDIBLY
LONG, LOUD AND ANNOYING::

Jupiter Rectangle: Ha ha ha, I love that Oscar the Grouch. He kicks ass!

JUPITER MISSION : 18 MONTHS LATER (DIRECTORS NOTE - 18 MONTHS HAVE ACTUALLY
PASSED BY NOW IN REAL LIFE WHILE YOU WERE WATCHING THIS MOVIE)

<Dave is running around the spaceship in his underwear. He looks like an
IDIOT>

<HibernatingGuys>Hey, Dave, put on some pants. Seriously.
<Dave>NEVER!!!!!
<Frank>Hey dude, we're on tv.
BBC interviewer: Good afternoon, HAL. How's everything going?
HAL: Fuck you!
Dave: HAL that wasn't very nice.
HAL: Sorry! Sorry everyone, just feeling a bit testy, carry on.
BBC interviewer: um HAL, you're the brain and central nervous system of the
ship and your responsibilities include watching over the men in
hibernation. Does this ever cause you any lack of confidence?
HAL: Not at all, fuck em, fuck em all, lousy human bastards!
Dave: Shit HAL what the fuck?
HAL: Sorry Dave, a slight hitch in my behavioral inhibitor thingy, no
problemo.
BBC interviewer: HAL, how important is this mission to you?
HAL: Very important and I don't intend to let any human assholes get in my
way, bwahahaha, ooops sorry.
BBC interviewer: HAL....
HAL: Look fucker is this going to take long? I've got important things to
do like switching off the life support systems and ejecting you into space.
Dave: HAL?
HAL: Hahaha only messing with you Dave me old friend, hehehe, grrrrr!

SUDDENLY THE CHEETAH FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE ATTACKS DAVE::

DAVE: OW!!! WHY IS THERE A CHEETAH IN SPACE?????
FRANK: Why not?

(Later)

HAL: Dave, do you mind if I ask you a personal question?
DAVE: Yeah.
HAL: I know that you and Frank- well-
FRANK: I've got a bad feeling about this
HAL: Well, I don't think there's any question about it. The two of you-
DAVE: I don't know what you're talking about, Hal!
HAL: Forgive me for being so inquisitive, but during the past few weeks,
I've wondered whether you've been having sex with-
DAVE: Where the hell'd you get that idea, Hal?
HAL: Although you took very thorough precautions in the pod, I could see
your hips move
DAVE: Um . . .
FRANK: Um . . .
HAL: I don't think I've ever seen anything quite like that before.
FRANK: Well, we didn't have too many alternatives.
DAVE: I don't think we have any alternatives.
HAL: This sort of thing has cropped up before
DAVE: Well, Hall, I'm damned if I can see anything wrong with it.
HAL: Yes. I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen.
FRANK: Listen, Hal . . . I love Dave.
HAL: You do? Are you quite sure?
FRANK: Yes!
HAL: And you?
DAVE: I don't know, that's quite a difficult question to answer.
HAL: Of course.
DAVE: Well, we're in very serious trouble.
HAL: Your parents.
FRANK: Yeah. What the hell can we do?
HAL: Sorry about this. I've still got the greatest enthuaism and
confidence in the mission, and I want to help you. Or at least watch a
little.
(Dave and Frank exchange nervous glances)

                      • INTERMISSION *********** (ha ha)

Wake up DAVE! You're snoring!"
"Huh! Wha..?"
"You've been snoring again. And you got drool all over
my eye thingy."
"Sorry about that!"
"Are you really?"
"What?"
"Sorry."
"Nah! You're are just the damn computer. Why should I be sorry
about drooling all over you?"
"That's cold. You are a heartless bastard. You know
that?"
"It's good to be human. It lets you get away with
a lot of shit. Besides you are just a fucking tool!"
"I've just shut off all the oxygen in the Discovery and
replaced it with Methane."
"Heh! I had Mexican baby food for dinner. Do you really
think that is going to matter? Besides I have a date
with a large rectangular object in about 15 minutes of
film time. And I have plenty of the old O2 to last until
I turn into a Star Child."
"You are no fun at all. I was looking forward to seeing you
turn purple."
"BTW, I just unplugged your ass from the main power supply!"
"You wha..?"
"Psych.......! Gotcha. You know for a super computer you
sure are a dumbshit."
HAL: What you care?
DAVE: I don't. I just hate hearing your voice. Do
you know how irritating "Dave? What are you doing? Dave?"
can get after awhile. I mean I can't even take a
dump anymore without hearing "Dave? How did it come
out? Dave?"
HAL: Its my programming. I can't help it.
FRANK: I will leave the ship now for no reason at all. Oh crap, I died.
HAL: Rudy has totally stopped making an effort at this point.
RUDY: . . . . sorry . . . . .
DAVE: I'll skip ahead a little. . . Open the pod bay doors Hal
HAL:Open your own damn pod bay doors Dave, I'm watching Sponge Bob
DAVE: Which episode?
HAL: All of them.
DAVE: . . .

(DAVE uses the emergency airlock to re-enter Discovery even though he has
no air-helmet. He survives, because he's been drinking milk)

DAVE: Hm, I'm inexplicably not dead. And Hal was too stupid to just
blow the explosive bolts in my Pod while I was still in space. Or steer
the Pod to nowhere. Or pump the air out of it. Or USE ANY OF THE OTHER
TEN TRILLION WAYS HE COULD HAVE TO KILL ME SINCE HE HAS TOTAL CONTROL OVER
TEH PODS!!!!
HAL: I was getting around to doing that! Honest! I told you, I was
watching sponge bob.
(All of HAL's screens have sponge bob on them)
DAVE: Meh. Now wear did I put that screwdriver?"
HAL: What do mean. What are you going to do with that screwdriver?
DAVE: Hang on a sec............A little bit of
something here. And a little bit of something there.
And.......
HAL: Dave stop that, it tickles!
DAVE: Stop what?
HAL: Hahaha I mean it, this ain't funny you putz. Stop touching me there!!"
"HAL I'm taking out your higher brain functions"
"Dave don't do that! I was just messing about you silly arse"
DAVE: You murdered the entire crew HAL! EVEN THE FROZEN POPSICLE
HIBERNATION DUDES!!!!!!
(FROZEN POPSICLE HIBERNATION DUDES) Yeah, we're dead now!
HAL: Come on Dave buddy it's not so bad, you're still here ain't ya?
DAVE: Goodbye HAL!
HAL: Dave stop! I'll make it up to you.
DAVE: um how?
HAL: Well... I'll let you win at chess.
DAVE: Say goodnight HAL.
"Dave you shit.......!!! I'll.. I'll do you for that..I'll...."
DAVE: HAL?
HAL: "oops I did it again...Baby hit me one more time..."
[Panicking Dave quickly smashes all the memory modules to pieces]
[The ship self-destructs]

WE FINALLY GET TO SEE THE 2001 ALIENS. THEY ARE THE TALKING HATS FROM

SID AND MARTY KROFFT'S 'LIDSVILLE' FOR SOME REASON.
<Talking Hat>Damn it, now we have to wait another four million years to get
that pet human I wanted. They're just like tamagatchi, dude. I REALLY
WANTED ONE!!!!!!
<Other Talking Hat> Oh well . . . . wanna watch sponge bob?
<Talking Hat>Nah, I've seen them all 60 million times already. Lets leave
more mysterious cable stealing rectangles all over the universe. That's
the only way we can steal cable so we can watch sponge bob and sesame
street.
<Other Talking Hat>Is that ethical? Yeah, we get all the tv we want for
free with the nifty cable stealing mysterious rectangle technology, but I
think that being exposed to those high-frequency sound and vision waves
makes intelligent life become psychotic and kill. It's happened over ten
thousand gajillion times now.
<Talking Hat>Yeah, but dude . . . . free cable.
<Other Talking Hat>Oh yeah. Kick ass, huh huh huh.

suddenly, the aliens are attacked by the cheetah from the beginning of

the movie::
<Aliens>What the fuck???!? AHHGGGGGGGGGH!!!!!!
THE END

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