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The much-exalted Guinness Book of World Records is the holy book of human achievement. Since 1959, it has documented humanity's greatest in their quest to be, say, the person with the world's longest fingernails or the person with the most piercings on their esophagus. It is also the largest book in the world, with a span of 547 kilometers, a thickness of nearly 75 kilometers, and a mass dwarfing that of most asteroids. The book also holds the current world record for the number of world records documented in the category of speed eating, including a successful attempt to eat an entire copy of the Guinness Book of Records 1989 edition (in a world record 4.7 seconds by Schinzhon Igasakiwan, a Japanese foreign exchange student at the University of Louisiana at Lafayette).

edit Origins

The book was originally the idea of English beer afficionado Oliver Huntsley in the 50s. It was not until he was forced to sell his South African diamond mine after a devastating workers' strike that he decided to follow through with the idea in 1958. Huntsley spent an entire year acquiring sports statistics and traveling the world in search of record holders, and returned in 1959 with a completed first edition. In an LSD-fueled rant in 1969, Huntsley confessed that the book had been given to him by Zeus on Mount Olympus in 1812, where he claims to have flown to out of Brazil. Zeus reportedly informed him that the gods had been keeping track of human achievement ever since Prometheus made humanity entertaining, and that they had chosen him to continue the record keeping.

edit Controversy


This smiling lady is the proud owner of a Guinness World Record for "Longest Cheek Sags".

edit Notable records

  • Shortest time performing a Caesarean section during an earthquake - Dr. A. Porter
  • Best web page about Guinness Book of Records - this page
  • World's biggest collection of records - Guinness
  • Most hip gyrations in five minutes - Elvis Presley (broke the previous record of 364 with 410)

edit Guinness World Record

A Guinness World Record is a special achievement that has been accomplished to appease the local Gods. It is usually achieved by doing something phenomenally stoopid that has never been attempted before, such as flying or walking on water. No wait, Jesus did both of those, so that doesn't technically count.

Apple balancing

Hudson Leick breaking the world record for "sitting on a cushion wearing a purple wig and balancing an apple on your head while looking hawt"

edit So Why Does Anyone Give A Crap About Guinness World Records?

Good question. Some people debate that most Guinness World Records are actually about very stupid things, such as "The farthest someone can flick a chocolate-covered peanut using nothing but their nipples" or "How many juggles of a ball someone can do while hanging upside down with a bucket over their head", and therefore we should disregard all Guinness World Records altogether. Actually, I think they're just shitting themselves because THEY don't have a Guinness World Record of their own. Grow up already and pull yourselves together and go out and get one, instead of attacking those who have one! Sheeesh!

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