User:Horace Donald Westenchester/Canadians with swords
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Canadians with swords are considered the 3,734th greatest threat to America's freedom, according to a Department of Homeland Security memo issued October 3, 2008. Although they rank 3,731 slots below North Korea and twelve slots below "weaponized psoriasis," they are nonetheless considered an existential threat to the United States of America.
The current Homeland Security Advisory Level for Canadians with swords is "yellow," meaning "exercise caution." However, of the 5,240 threats tracked by the Department of Homeland Security, this yellow rating is in a 4,500-way tie for last place. Not one of the tracked threats has been assigned a green rating, including item #5,240, "The checkout girl who gave Agent Summerland's wife a dirty look at the Macy's register."
In late 2003, at the beginning of his re-election bid, former President George W. Bush ordered the Department of Homeland Security to compile a list of every conceivable threat to America's freedom. The list was finalized in June 2004. Unsurprisingly, the list was topped by Iran, Iraq, and North Korea. Perhaps more notably, it also included "John Kerry" as item #8 and "People who voted for John Kerry" as item #23.
Each list item included four sections: "Threat Description," "Present Plan of Action," "Threat Level," and "Contingency Plan," should the threat materialize itself.
Recently declassified under Obama's glasnost policies, the list was made available to American conspiracy theorists for the first time last year. Finally, they were able to see that Canadians with swords are America's 3,734th greatest threat, falling right between "feral Rottweilers" and "excessive bandwidth usage by expedia.com."
The text of the entry "Canadians with swords" reads as follows:
edit Threat Description
- It has come to our attention that some Canadians have acquired swords. These swords could be used to stab Americans, particularly in New England and Washington.
edit Present Plan of Action
- Situation calls for passive monitoring.
edit Threat Level
- Yellow. Citizens urged to exercise caution.
edit Contingency Plan
- Dispatch up to twelve Marines to kill all the Canadians with swords.
- These Marines are not to be given swords, knives or any other melee weapon.*
- this would defeat the purpose, unless the marines in question are foreigners or women.