User:High Gen. Grue/TYATU/55
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edit Episode #55: Free-fall
(Continue where we left off last episode. Everyone is eating donuts in Nikita's base.)
Nikita: Now, to ask you those questions. First: What the heck is Bensonism?
Benson: IT IS THE WORSHIP OF ME!
Everyone but Benson: <groan>
Nikita: Next: Where is the ring hidden!?!
Adam: What ring?
Nikita: Long ago, I had an affair with the Baron. Unfortunately, when the Baron became a zombie, he took my Ring of Zombie Control.
Adam: That ring should be in the safe in the Baron's mansion. The code is 3-Brains-4-Brains.
Nikita: Makes sense. Third: Where can I get great donuts?
Dizburg: You are asking an expert. Get them at OuroborosDonuts!
(A donut spokesman runs up and gives a wad of cash to Dizberg, then leaves.)
Emmzed: Well, we should go get that ring!
Adam: As a private in the army, I know who to call.
(Adam dials Han Soson's number on his cell phone.)
Adam: Adam here, we need transport to the Baron's home.
Han: No prob.
(Plane lands, everyone boards. The plane has a grue in it, as well as Han. Plane takes off.)
Han: This is a grave matter, I presume?
Adam: Yes, literally.
Priest: What is with the grue?
Engelsfair: Communism can save you!
Han: The grue is security. Plus...
(Han punches Engelfair, knocking him out.)
Nikita: A grue? Security?
(There is a sudden thump.)
Han: Brace yourselves, we are under attack!
(Corsiare comes in on his clipper, busting a large hole in the side of the plane)
Han: How the hell-
Corsiare: By the order of the French Monarchy, I hereby annex this plane to France!
Benson: AGAIN!?! BENSON IS BETTER THAN YOU, PATHETIC PRIVATEER!
Han: Bad idea.
(Grue eats Corsaire, but spits him out onto his clipper, which falls down to the ground.)
Han: Great. Now we have a large hole on the side of our plane...
Engelsfair: Communism can patch that hole right up!
Han: Didn't I knock you out already?
(Han smacks Engelsfair, and knocks him out again.)
Dizberg: Ok, are there any Snake Grues or Ouroboros Grues in your army?
Han: As a matter of fact, yes.
Nikita: Shouldn't we be repairing this thing?
Priest: It is the will of God that we do so.
Benson: FIX THAT HOLE!
Emmzed: I wish planes were made out of wood, than I could help.
Moonshine: Han, don't let your grues eat mooses.
Zatoichi: Let us repair the hole.
(Switch scenes. Shandion and Shamus are talking and drinking at a seedy bar. There are a few other people there.)
Shandion: So then I said, "FU SPANG!"
Shamus: Ha-HA! Jolly good, old chap!
Shandion: I thought you were Irish.
Shamus: I was educated at Oxford, you twat!
(Shandion is about to say something, but a giant plane crashes into the bar. Several dead bodies litter the wreckage. none of them are important people. Shandion's dog is nowhere to be seen.)
Benson, crawling out of the wreckage: WELL, AT LEAST THIS DOG CUSHIONED OUR FALL.
Shandion: MY DOG! Why? Whyyyyyyy?
(Shandion runs out crying. Shamus recovers and pulls out a ridiculously large machine gun.)
Shandion: It's my enemies in the Italian mafia! Prepare to die, fiends!
(Shandion opens fire. Everyone manages to get under cover, except for Adam, who is hit in the leg.)
Engelsfair: Communism will fix that!
Han: You just don't stay down, do you?
(Engelsfair places Communism pamphlets on Adam's wound, making a makeshift dressing. Han looks around.)
Han: My grues! They all died! YOU BASTARD!
(Han pulls out a lightsaber and rushes up to Shamus, slicing his arm off.)
(Shamus falls to the ground in agony. Everyone gets up.)
Benson: THANK YOU, HAN, FOR SAVING OUR LIVES.
Han: Please stop yelling.
Benson: BUT REAL MEN YELL!
(Meanwhile, Emmzed is looking around. A sign that says "Welcome to Canada" catches his eye.)
Emmzed: Oh my God, we're in Canada! Yay!
Everyone else but Adam: Oh no!
Engelsfair: Let us make Canada Communist!
Adam: I am a Canadian.
(Adam punches Engelsfair.)
(Engelsfair starts wallpapering the bar with hammers and sickles.)
Engelsfair: Communism! Communism! Communism!
(Shandion's dog crawls out of the wreckage)
(Shandion's dog bites Engelsfair, knocking him out. Shandion runs back in and picks up his dog.)
Shandion: Oh, Garm! I missed you!
(Zatoichi enters. He reeks of whiskey.)
Zatoichi: Where are you, Corsaire! -hic- I'm gonna fu-hic-fu-hic- cut you!
(A clipper ship bursts through a wall of the bar.)
Corsaire: By order of the French Monarchy, I declare this bar property of the Monarchy!
Emmzed: None of us own this bar, so you can do whatever the hell you want.
Zatoichi: So, you've finally deshided to reveal yoursehelf! -hic-
Corsaire: Have at thee, scoundrel!
(Corsaire stabs Zatoichi in the foot. Zatoichi falls to the ground crying.)
(Engelsfair punches Corsaire, who runs back to his clipper.)
(Han hits Engelsfair with hammer from wreckage, Engelsfair is knocked out, but recovers quickly.)
Han: Oh, just stay down for once! I just knocked you out!
Adam and Emmzed: Oh Canada! Our home and native land! True patronage! To all our sons command! With glowing hearts...
Han: You do know this is supposed to be a soap opera, right!?!
Dizburg: I know.
(Indy walks in to the bar)
Indy: Adam. You dare come here again!?!
Adam: Contents was your greatest mistake. En garde!
(Adam gets out a sword)
(Indy gets out a bread sword)
Han: Now that is more like it.
Indy: I have trained heavily in the Art of the Death Metal Bread. Die.
Adam: I have mastered the art of the QVFD gun and many other weapons. You die.
(Adam and Indy insult swordfight.)
Adam: You fight like a dairy farmer!
Indy: How appropriate. You fight like a cow.
(Shamus gets up, and with one last breath, picks up his machine gun.)
Shamus: Welcome to the jungle, now you're gonna DIE!!!
(Shamus opens fire. Adam and Indy are shot. They lie on the ground, bleeding profusely. Shamus falls over dead. Credits roll.)