- ~ Noel Coward on Knotts Landing
The Young and the Uncyclopedians is an action-packed soap opera written by Alexander Graham Bell and his brother. First screened in 1974 The Young and the Uncyclopedians has gone on to showcase some of the greatest emerging talent fot the last thirty years. See the episode list, along with at-a-glance explanations on each episode, here.
edit Episode #54: Random Idiots
(This episode starts out in the living room. Moonshine lies passed out on the floor. Benson and Shamus are standing above her)
Benson: WHAT...WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER, YOU FIEND!
Shamus: Whoa, whoa, man, do you always yell?
Benson: YES! REAL MEN ALWAYS YELL! NOW WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER!
Shamus: I'll never tell!
(Shamus breaks a window and jumps out)
Benson: YOU...YOU FIEND!
(Switch scenes. Von Dizburg is being harrassed by Zatoichi and Sensei.)
Sensei: Ouroboros is a ghey donut, you know.
Von Dizberg: You punks know nothing of the great snake who bites it's own tail!
Zatoichi: Actually, we do.
(Zatoichi slashes her sword at Von Dizburg, and misses)
Von Dizberg: You were better in your movies.
Zatoichi: Yeah. I know.
(There is a pause, and then the scene switches again back to the living room. Moonshine wakes up from his incompacitation, and now Boris is in the room with a pistol fitted with a silencer. Jules is also here.)
Moonshine: Wha...did I miss something importa-
Boris: Shutup hippie!
Jules: Now, now, don't do anything crazy...
Boris: I'm warn you once. Shut you mouth and just be of telling me where it is or I will be of hurting you.
Jules: I will never tell you!
(Cue dramatic score. Boris shoots Jules. He is immediately down, dead with a pool of blood cheaply moved around him. A chalkmark is visible near his right hand)
(Boris shoots Benson, and Benson falls too, but he is only in serious pain. Shamus comes in slightly bloody with a millwall brick.)
Shamus: Really, me day can't get any worse! Now hafta deal with you scum!
Boris: Great, boss not warn me of Irish mafia.
(Boris pulls out a pellet and throws it on the floor. Smoke rushes out and he makes his escape. Everyone is coughing. Change scene back to the Von Dizberg mansion. There is a knock on the door. Von Dizberg opens to find Timothy Engelfair, who is selling a pamphlet on the greatness of Communism.)
Engelfair: Hello, kind sir. Did you know that we can be all equal? Communism is the solution to all of the problems we face today.
Von Dizberg: Pfffff HA HA HA HA HA HA! I thought that you were talking about Ouroboros for a second.
Engelfair: You mean that gay, donut thing?
Von Dizberg: IT IS CERTAINLY NOT A GAY DONUT!
Engelfair: You can make it not gay by becoming a communist!
Von Dizburg: OUROBOROS IS NOT GAY!
(Adam Uncyclop runs in to the area.)
Uncyclop: Mr. Engelfair, Ouroboros is not gay, and communism sucks. So does Contents, but that doesn't matter.
(Engelfair punches Uncyclop, knocking him out.)
Von Dizburg: Actually, Adam was right about Ouroboros, communism, and contents.
(Switch back to Moonshine in the living room. Benson is yelling like crazy, still on the ground.)
Benson: OW THAT HURT! PLUS, YOU ARE A FIEND, BORIS!!! OH WAIT, BORIS IS NOT HERE! AARRGH!
(Lauren runs in, obviously having heard Benson yell.)
Lauren: What is going on here!?! And Benson, why must you always yell!
Lauren: What...what happened to Jules and Benson!?!
Benson: BORIS...SHOT US! AND REAL MEN YELL!
Lauren: Boris shot you? (mumbling) If I did help, I would have to reveal that Boris is my ex-boyfriend.
Benson: WHAT WAS THAT!?!
Lauren: Er, nothing?
(Switch back to Von Dizburg's mansion. Adam is bleeding a bit, and Dizburg is chasing Engelfair around the mansion with a big knife. Engelfair jumps out a ground window, and then runs out, dropping communist pamphlets everywhere.)
Engelfair: I'll be back! ^_^
Von Dizburg: Looks like I have that problem solved...
(All of a sudden a large clipper ship crashes through the wall of the mansion.)
Von Dizberg: GOD DAMMNIT!
(Corsaire down from the ship and unrolls a piece of paper.)
Corsaire: By the order of French Monarchy I declare this land property of the Monachy.
Von Dizberg: Who the hell are you, why are you annexing my land to France, and how the hell did you sail a clipper into my home?
Corsaire: I am René Corsiare, a French privateer. I have been hired by the Monarchy to annex this land to France because King Chirac wants more land. The clipper, how do you say, sailed, well on the land.
Von Dizberg: Ookay...I'm going to tie my shoe...in this direction...
(Zatoichi emerges from one of the other rooms)
Zatoichi: CAN A MAN HAVE SOME PEACE WHEN HE IS GOING TO THE BATHROOM?
Von Dizberg: Erm...that's the kitchen...
(Corsaire notices Zatoichi.)
Zatoichi: Oh great.(Puts hand on forehead) It's you again.
Corsiare: I sought I woould nevar find you, but yet I haf! Now pay up!
Zatoichi: Hell no. I didn't want to go to this hellhole. I thought I was on my fishing boat fishing!
Corsaire: But with what? A ladle you took from my chef's kitchen?
Zatoichi: That's it!
(Both wield their swords - Zatoichi with a katana, and Corsaire with a Cutlass. An epic battle ensues. Camera moves to funeral scene.)
Priest: We are gathered here today to remember Jules Nitedorulez. He was a good man.
Benson: YES, JULES WAS A GOOD MAN.
Priest: Benson, stop yelling.
Benson: BUT REAL MEN YELL!
(Emmzed walks in.)
Emmzed: It was in Jules' will that I tell everyone of my...dark...SECRET!
(all gasp and move expectantly forward, but camera cuts back to the carnage at Von Dizberg's Mansion. There are Communist leaflets everywhere, and blood on the sofa. Baron Von Dizburg is nowhere to be seen. Engelfair jumps in. Adam Uncyclop walks into the mansion.)
Adam: Ok, what happened here?
Engelfair: Who knows, but it can be solved with...COMMUNISM!
Adam: Oh great.
(Adam gets out a gun, and shoots, missing Engelfair.)
Englefair: Would you kill...you own BROTHER?
(Englefair pulls out a document and hands it to Adam)
Adam: This is just a Communist pamphlet.
(Englefair uses this opportunity to make a quick escape. Baron Von Dizburg enters stage left.)
Dizberg: Good thing I had that secret passage installed when I built this mansion. Say Adam, want to heckle Jules' funeral?
(Cut to the funeral. Emmzed has just told his dark secret and everyone is in shock.)
Benson: HOW COULD YOU DO THAT, EMMZED? I'VE SEEN SOME MESSED UP STUFF, BUT AN AFFAIR? THAT'S DEPLORABLE.
Priest: Do you ever stop yelling?
Emmzed: I know I said I was supposedly faithful to Moonshine, but I had a secret tryst with Jules! It was his dying wish that I get it in the open so to close the door forever.
Moonshine: First I have to decide whether to abort Lauren's crack-addicted fetus, and now this? When will it end?!?
Emmzed: You had an affair as well?!
Benson: WELL, WE MUST GET ON WITH THE FUNERAL. NOW, TO READ A TWELVE-PAGE EULOGY THAT EVERYONE PREPARED FOR ME TO READ.
(Dizberg bursts into the room with a baseball bat.)
Dizberg: All right, Jules, time to get heckled!
(Dizberg starts booing the eulogy that Benson is giving.)
Benson: BARON VON DIZBURG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Dizberg: Showing that you suck!
Benson: THAT'S NOT NICE!
Dizberg: Exactly. YOU SUCK! BOO! Bring on the Ouroboros!
(Benson walks off his podium, angered. Zatoichi runs into the funeral home, cracking the glass door.)
Zatoichi: Son of a bitch!
Emmzed: Are you blind or something?
Zatoichi: As a matter of fact, yes I am.
(Corsaire drives his ship into the parking lot, totaling Benson's 81' Honda as he tries to get a parking spot.)
Benson: MY CAR!
Zatoichi: Oh great...
(Corsaire steps down from his ship with a small scroll and unravels it)
Corsaire: Pardon, I seem to have went the wrong directions.
Benson: JESUS CHRIST YOU TOTALED MY CAAAR!
Corsaire: Too bad.
(Corsaire climbs back up and navigates his ship out of the parking lot and moves on his way. An nondescript black car comes into the parking lot. The Baron steps out.)
Emmzed: Are you at least here for the funeral?
Emmzed: Well are you?
Emmzed: Well at least come inside and pay your last respect to a friend of mine Mr.
Emmzed: Well just follow me Mr. Brains.
(Emmzed leads the Baron into the funeral home.)
Dizberg: Ok, Adam, lets bring some Ouroboros!
Adam: And here...are the new Funeral Donuts! Perfect for Ouroborosists!
(Engelfair jumps in.)
Engelfair: Communism! Rocks!
Adam: You again!?!
(Adam throws a cobra at Engelfair. Everyone screams, except Adam, Dizburg, and The Baron, who fearlessly takes the snake, then eats its head)
Adam: Holy shit.
Dizberg: Oh, I get it! He's a zombie!
(The Baron starts chewing on Jules in his coffin. He shortly lured away by those at the funeral, then burned. When they return, they see their former friend has become a zombie)
Dizberg: Great, now we have to deal with this. Well, I guess that there's no choice but to bury him alive...
(A nondescript van stops by the funeral home. Boris and three cohorts come out with semi-automatic M-16s and several grenades. All of them are wearing gasmasks but Boris)
Dizberg: Oh no...
Boris:(rallying cohorts) Be of moving! Be of moving!
(Two cohorts launch their grenades, which contain a knock out gas. Boris covers his mouth and nose with a handkerchief. When everyone is knock out, they are put into a van. Jules is killed again by Boris, and then transported to an unknown location. They wake up in the office of Nikita Starveshchev.)
Moonshine: Did I pass out during the funeral again? Did someone move me again?
Benson: NO! I BELIEVE WE WERE TRANSPORTED TO ANOTHER LOCATION.
(Nikita Starvshchev walks through the door, clapping. Boris also comes in following, armed with a 9mm which is silenced.)
Nikita: Well, no shit sherlock!
Nikita: Stop yelling.
Dizberg: Who the hell are you?
Engelsfair: Are you Communist?
Adam: (Waps Engelsfair upside the head) Shut up Timothy!
Nikita: My name is Nikita, and that is all you need to know-
Boris: Or you will be wearing of bulle-
Nikita: Don't interrupt me or you "will be wearing of bullet".
Emmzed: Why have you brought us here?
Nikita: The answer will come in time. Right now I will just have to ask you a few questions.
Zatoichi: (Facing other direction) Chances are I will not answer you, fool.
Nikita: Oh, but you will. Tell me, does Lauren think I'm hot?
Dizberg: How the hell are we supposed to know? She doesn't even know yo-
(A clipper ship tears through the floor, and Corsaire steps out)
Nikita: What the hell?
Corsaire: By the order of the French monarch-
Engelfair: Don't you know? THERE IS NO FRENCH MONARCHY! France is a democracy today?
Corsaire: Nonsense! There's always been a monarchy. Elections are just a cover up for the truth. Oh, and before I continue.
(Corsaire draws his sword from his buckle and throws it at Boris, killing him before he can ring in a shot.)
Nikita: How the hell-
Corsaire: Now as I was saying, by the order of the French monarchy I declare this land annexed by the great Empire!
Corsaire: No, France of course! Of course I'm paid to say this.
Corsaire: Well, I'm off.
(Corsaire climbs into the clipper and rides away, smashing Nikita's Lincoln Town Car in two)
Nikita: MY CAR!
Benson: HE DID THAT TO MY CAR TOO!
Zatoichi: It wouldn't have hurt him to take us along too...
Nikita: Now back to business!
Adam: Yep, back to stuffing a cobra down Timothy's undies.
(Adam stuffs a cobras down Timothy's underwear.)
(Timothy drops down to the ground.)
Adam: Ouroboros Rules!
Benson: OUROBOROS SUCKS AND SO DOES COMMUNISM! ONLY BENSONISM RULES!
Benson: YES, BENSONISM!
Nikita: Ahem. Over here.
Benson: BENSONISM RULES!
Nikita: If you don't listen, Boris will shoot you all.
Sensei: Dude. Boris is dead.
Dizberg: Hey everyone! The HKN Donut Stand is open! They're selling 2 bags for a buck!
Everyone but Nikita: Oooo!
Benson: SCREW THIS! I HATE THIS SOAP OPERA GONE TO HELL! LET'S GET DONUTS!
Everyone but Nikita: Fuck yeah!
Priest: Listen, my child. You can either live in your fantasy world full of boring suspense and an unremarkable amount of cliches, or you can get donuts. You decide. Also remember to give a donation in the box in the front of my church or you're going to hell!
Nikita: We never even finished this episode.
Dizberg: So what? There's donuts!