User:Hey people!/Hey people it's The Aristocrats
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
edit The family
A man, woman, two boys ages 13 and 9, and two girls ages 15 and 7, and a golden retriever dog go into a talent agent's office. They see a receptionist who's so fat she isn't sitting behind her desk, her desk is sitting on her.
The father says, "Pardon me, ma'am, but my family has an act that I know your boss Mr. People will really want to see. We have a pure, wholesome act of nobility and human virtue that we've performed at churches and youth groups. We sing Christian hymns and patriotic songs while riding a unicycle, balancing plates, and juggling. But it's not just entertainment, it has a message of Christian and patriotic virtue, and how the blessings and guidance of God come to our leaders and then down to us. No one has to be downtrodden and considered "lower class;" all of us can be children of the most high God. We know any talent agent would love to see it. Here's a flyer we made that shows the name of our act."
The receptionist says, "He doesn't do religious stuff. Don't bother him; he's really busy. Try the Wholiness Agency down the street. I hear they put on safe little shows."
The man says, "We already tried them. They told us to come here. Before that we tried a different agency down the street, and before that another one. We've been trying agencies all over town, and this is the last one in the entire city. Please, let us in so he can see our act. We're out of money, my kids are hungry, we just have to get a gig so we can make money to buy some food. Please, just let us in so he can see us. I'm begging you!"
"Nobody wants to see pure, wholesome acts anymore," said the receptionist. "Just get out."
The father is so distraught he shakes his head, and hides it in his hands. The mother and the children weep.
edit The dog
But the golden retriever says, "Get out? After what he told you about how desperate we are, you say 'just get out?' Why you mother-fucking, shit-faced, fat-assed, heartless whore! Do you know what the members of this family have done to earn enough money just to eat?
"Nobody else in the family knows this, but to raise money the kids' father, who's a deacon in his church, rode a unicycle while juggling two naked midgets named Leslie. Do you know how humiliating that was for him? He also planned to sell one of his kidneys, but one of the midgets stole it.
"Nobody else knows this either," says the dog, "but the kids' mother has been selling her soiled panties to Japanese businessmen while claiming they were worn by an American schoolgirl. She even included a picture. The mother's also secretly been doing porno just to get money for food, doing vaginal sex and taking it up the ass. Just yesterday got only $20 for being filmed giving me head. She mouth fucked the film's director, the fluff girl, the cameraman, and everyone who lived in the entire block at the corner of Hollywood and Vine.
"Then, because her children were starving and getting weak from lack of protein, she did something else she didn't tell her husband. After the film, she didn't swallow, but held it in her mouth. Then she French kissed her 13-year-old son and spit the cum into his mouth. So told him it was a nutrition drink. She had to give him something. He swallowed some, then spit some into the mouth of his 15-year-old sister. The 15-year-old daughter then spit some cum into the mouth of her 9-year-old brother to save him."
"Nobody else in the family knows this, but the schoolgirl picture the mother included with her soiled panties was a picture of her 15-year-old daughter. And the parents don't know that daughter fucked her 9-year-old brother for another movie.
"The mother doesn't know this, but just so the 7-year-old daughter would have something on her stomach, her father had her suck cum directly out of his penis. The father sold that footage to make a little money to buy real food for his family.
"Nobody else in the family knows this, but the eldest daughter just appeared in a video where she ate her 7-year-old sister's left leg, which was due to be amputated anyway because it was full of gangrene. The mother is pregnant by her 13-year-old son, and both have HIV which may soon become full-blown AIDS if they don't get money for treatment. Two weeks ago, the mother's mother, who was the family sword swallower, died from an impaled intestine. So the family ate well then.
"If the family doesn't get this job," said the golden retriever, "the 9-year-old son and the 7-year-old daughter will be forced to appear in a film with me where I'll take a dump and they'll eat my shit right out of my asshole.
"Isn't there anything you can do, you mother-fucking fat-tub-of-lard-shit-faced-bitch?"
edit The receptionist
After a short pause, the receptionist says, "you mean those two kids will eat dog shit?"
"They may have to," says the dog.
The receptionist looks at the family's flyer and buzzes the intercom. "Hey Mr. People," she says, "there's a family act out here you'll have to see. They call themselves 'The Aristrocrats.'"