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“I'm the Ali of today. I'm the Marvin Gaye of today. I'm the Bob Marley of today. I'm the Martin Luther King, or all the other greats that have come before us.”
“He's still a douche!”
Now aged to his late fifties, R(eginaldo). "Kinker Dinks" Robert Sylvester Kelly (January 8th, 1967 - now), is an occasional mediocre rapper and retired American R & B "artist." As a three time Grammy winner he has joined the ranks of other well known "artists" such as Celine Dion, Baha Men, Michael Bolton and Milli Vanilli. Mega-popular for his R & B hits during the 1990's his success was unprecedented. Having been one of the top-selling musical acts during that time he's been able to hold onto celebrity status through today with the use of blackmail and payola. Kelly's newer songs often include explicit sexual references and repetitious statements of the obvious.
He is cleverly delusional and has tried to start his own religion, declaring that he can not only fly through belief, but additionally, that he is capable of touching the sky. Thus far he has not been successful as he would have liked. Both these claims have been debunked on an episode of the television program MythBusters; while on the show, Kelly tried urinating on Kari Byron, who then severely beat him with a croquet mallet.
Most famous for talking about himself in third person and stating he is "the most important black man alive," he is also quite well-known for urinating on teenage girls and filming the results for the benefit of charity. He has won the 2003 Nobel Prize for Being A Creepy Bastard, and has been cited by the United Nations as "one disgusting bastard."
R. Kelly began his singing career as a fetus when he rhymed, "lub-dub" with "dub-lubb." Rumored to be of Chicago birth, he was born a poor child. But a simple wish upon a shooting star made at a family barbecue began his rocket to fame, scoring a hit with "On Your Knees, Baby (Warm Gold Shower)",
edit Rhyming R. Kelly with felony
Kelly then began a career as a producer, writing songs for "The Wiggles", a 30 year-old-child band whose debut, Smack Dat Hoe included several songs about eating excrement and what its like to be a cardboard box salesman in skid row.
He then released Chocolate Factory, a concept album about working at a chocolate factory and packing fudge all day long and at the end of a long shift he would go home and urinate on 15-year-olds.
Following the success of Chocolate Factory, R. Kelly wrote and starred in a series of videos entitled Trapped In My Own Pantry Closet with Tom Cruise and John Travolta respectively playing the roles of Confused teen and Excitable gym teacher. Despite being hailed by gay bakers as a brave endorsement of cake-based homosexuality, R. Kelly claimed that this was in no way his intention. Some critics felt that Cruise's character using his penis as a rolling-pin was possibly allegorical, or maybe a baffling homo-erotic plot device, but it was most likely just for the hell of it. When asked about it, "Cock for cock's sake" was his only comment on the incident.
After R Kelly recovered from the Pantry Closet scandal involving Tom Cruise's penis, he released his new album Born in the 14th Century. After the release party Kelly lay down on his diamond encrusted platinum tempurpedic bed and listened to Pauly Shore's Hey Buuuudddddyyy book on tape as read by Wilford Brimley. Because of the dulcet sound of Brimley's voice combined with the emotionally wrought phrasings of Shores inspirationals he was inspired to become a firefighter.
His career as a firefighter was short-lived, however, as Kelly refused to stop spraying his proverbial fire hose on the buildings that were engulfed in flames. He also endangered the lives of others by not fulfilling his duties to rescue the burning victims in the buildings.
edit Trapped Era
Perhaps R.Kelly's most notorious achievement to date is the release of his self proclaimed Hip Hop Opera (HIP-HOPERA), Trapped in the Closet. Trapped has become a diamond in the cannon of modern day film making, and is colloquially known as both "the worst movie ever made" and the "two hours of my life I'll never get back." Kelly was more than cutting edge in his idea to "sing" a 40 minute story to a 2 minute, 2-note R & B beat (that goes on and on and on and on) that tells the tale of cheating spouses, "crooked ass po-lice", fishes with with three titties, lesbian relationships, and midgets who double as strippers.
edit Closet case
Kelly is most notable for a literary concept that he himself invented: the cliffhanger. In the behind the scenes of Trapped, 1-12, Kelly astounds us with this new, and difficult concept. He proceeds to explain that "a cliffhanger is something that has NEVER been seen before. I invented it." What he means by this puzzling concept is that by leaving each "chapter" with a what the fuck is going
on to happen type of feeling, one can reel the viewer into watching the next. His new and innovative writing tactic is responsible for the few purchases of the second installment, "Trapped in the Closet, Chapters 13-22". Also chapter 44 "trapped and crapped in the closet" the movie will be in worldwide theartres may 19 3015
Trapped is full of socially relevant themes like the transmission of AIDS, drug use, gangs and police brutality. More importantly, "trapped" has also given a huge boost to the cabinetry industry. When it became apparent that one could avoid altercations with spouses and dodge mortgage defaults by simply, hiding in the closet, cabinet and pantry constructors were swamped with work orders. In fact, this can be directly linked to the single day market boost of October, 2008. Many Americans are quick to link the boost with the bailout plan, when in reality, it was because of the dire need for cabinets and cabinetry related materials. Because of Kelly's unique ability to attune with societal needs, he is currently in the running to become a Nobel Laureate for the 2009 year.
edit Chapter eleven
Although chapter eleven is the most widely acclaimed portion of the H'opera, revealing the midget as the baby daddy, all 189 chapters are relevant in their own way as seen here: Chapter 1, 2, , 4, 5, , , 8, , , 11, , 13, , , , , , , , , 22, [23-32 = coming soon], [33-infinity = summer, 2013].
edit A video of his new urban opera
Trapped in the cupboard (Chapters 1 thru 189):
edit Drinking game rules
A happy fun time substance abuse game can be brought out of the closet with these three simple rules.
- Every time R. Kelly repeats himself, take a drink.
- Every time R. Kelly says something redundant, take a hit.
- Every time R. Kelly explains what is happening on screen, take a hit to the head with a hammer (use a sledge hammer if it's the version with commentary).
- Every time R. Kelly urinates on a 14 year old, urinate on a 14 year old.
edit Other Family members
Today Kelly lives in Michael Jackson's abandoned house in Neverland Ranch. To survive there, he tells news weekly that since the water gas and electricity is cut he has to survive by drinking his own urine and Jesus juice.
Kelly had over 100 children, but most of them died in infancy from cases of acute jaundice. Kelly's surviving sons have formed a singing group, Sons of Kelly. See their promotional photos below.
Other family members include: J. Kelly, D. Kelly, Gene Kelly, Kelly Osbourne, Kelly Clarkson, Kelly Rowland, Kelly Green, Smelly Kelly, Sir Kellington, Kelly Ripa, Kelly Pickler, Kelly Fratelli, John Prescott, Kelly Belly, Helen Kelly, Harry Ballzonya, Kelly Bundy, Your Mom, Kelly Kelly and finally recent husband, Oli Sykes.
Everything else written here is merely an allegation. As far as history records, the only thing R. Kelly has ever done in his life is urinate on everything that moves, however rumors that he produced a series of sex tapes starring himself and a midget, policeman, wife, wife's best friend, said police man's wife, said wife's best friend's husband, said husband's gay lover, an elderly couple, brother in law, Pimp Lucius, two lesbians, and the entire Chicago Mafia, have been unconfirmed. When asked of this, Mr. Kelly replied "Rika doot deaudoo doo doo doo, spread my wings and fly away."
- ↑ And repetitious statements of the repetitious statements of the obvious.
- ↑ http://vermillionbrain.blogspot.com/2007/05/r-kelly-declares-himself-greatest-black.html
- ↑ see U.N. Private Report #4045-B, "R. Kelly: One Sick Fuck"
- ↑ From the limited LP release Sounds of the heart.
edit Quotes about R. Kelly
“Will he just come out of the closet already?”
“That fucker owes me money or at least a new dress for my wife!!”
“SO I PULL OUT MY GUN!”
“R. KELLY, DON'T PEE ON ME!!!”
“Probably the best I've had!”
“No, you shizzle MY nizzle!”
“I pity his stools!”
“ It went everywhere! It was even in my Raccoon wounds!”
“ R Kelly's locked in a room with nothing but a two-litre bottle of mineral water and several underage girls? Best call the dry-cleaners and the school councilors!”
“ the man... is a MIDGET!”
“ Golden Rain! Oh no here it comes again! Golden Rain! ”
“ How are you going to make a video about peeing on somebody?”
R. Kelly had many albums released during his career. His first album, Born in the 1st Century was somehow able to sell 62 copies, even though J.D. Salinger wrote Holden Caulfield. Kelly released many other works which bombed on release. To date many of his albums have many good uses as coaster and kindling for a household fire that a family can gather warmth together in. His "best of" compilation titled Golden Showers was posted on his MySpace for streaming / torrenting, but only for female minors.
- Born in the 1st Century (1356) 62 sales
- A not so Chocolate Factory (1534) 500 sales
- Fried chicken delight (1612) 13,371,337 sales
- Trapped in the Pantry Closet(Featuring Tom Cruise and John Travolta) (2004) 123,456,789 sales
- Trapped In The Closet, Chapters 1-986542154846545454874846.2
- Trapped In The Cupboard (2005) 999,999.99 sales
- The Best Of: Golden Showers and Closet Flowers (2007) 18,000 sales
edit External Links
- R.Kelly Song about Tom Cruise & John Travolta.