User:Happytimes/The Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball
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A man walks into a talent ajint's ofiec adn sez ta teh bookin ajint, "I've jus com directly frum mai competitor-in-law's territory. Him's telled meh a story uv a incredible organizashun I finks yoo will wantz ta seez riet awai."
Teh talent ajint repliez, “Sir, I've seen too menny bad actz latelee. I DO NOT WANT ta b boafered.”
Teh man den sez, “But wayt! Yoo hafta heer dis," adn begined ta relaet teh followin story wich increasingly captured teh agantz attenshun wich nao staartz wifout transishun:
"Frum teh evidence we werz able ta find, we haz peecd together dis scenario uv whut happeneded. dis iz a true account uv dis event. We obtaineded informashun frum teh poliec az ta teh profiel uv dis criminal adn him method adn mannah uv activity wich includeded hao him probably lukeded ovah mai territory befoar a robbery.
It wuz a cold night in Grimbold, Wizconsin. Teh snow haded begined ta lied a soft blankie uv wyet upon teh ground. It wuz three a.m. adn teh neighborhood wuz silent. Awr too story territory wuz warm adn cozy, teh windoez tightly shut against teh wintah air. We werz asleep in teh upstairz bedroom unawaer dat a event wuz unfoldin, owtsied in teh tiniez alley dat separateded awr territory frum teh nex door.
Teh man haded decideded awn teh sied window uv mai territory dat wuz locateded in teh small alley. Thar werz noes uddah windoez frum wich him wud b seen adn eet wuz unlikely anyoen wud walk down teh sidewalk adn glance into teh dark alley at dis tyme in teh midddle uv teh night. It wuz teh betterest wai ta entah undetecteded.
Him haded awl teh fingz ready ta entah adn rob teh residence wif. Him wuz fairly confident dat we didz nawt own a dOG cuz him haded caseded mai territory durin teh dai adn haded nawt seen n e evidence uv a dawg.
Him probably preferred too story territoriez cuz dat meaned him kud plundah teh lowah level wifout bein detecteded. Dat wuz wher teh TV, VCR adn uddah valuablez uzually werz. Him also wud go up ta teh bedroomz adn check foar cash adn jewlree az well az credit cardz aftah him haded removeded teh eetemz frum teh furst flor. sow faar in him crime spree in teh piss-patch, noes wun haded ever woek up az him wuz in teh bedroom, but if eet ever happeneded eet wuz unknown whut wud happens.
Him kaerfoolly removeded teh screen, den pusheded teh window up slowly. It did nawt open smoothly adn eet wuz apparent dat eet haded nawt bein openeded vewee often. Him shoen him flashlight into teh territory briefly ta maeks certain teh flor wuz clear. Nofin wuz blockin teh window. Him vaguely noticeded a large sevun fut tall Cat tree dat wuz positioneded partially in front uv teh window, but eet still gaev him plenty uv territory ta climb in faec furst wifout makin n e noies. Him nivvah noticeded teh large connected Cat hoo haded bein intently listenin ta teh sowndz uv teh screen bein removeded, den teh window bein openeded. Cattalynn wuz croucheded insied a rug covered tunnel in teh Cat tree adn decideded dat sumfin abowt dis wuz nawt qwyet riet. In fact her haded decideded her didn’t lieks teh sneaky wai teh window wuz openeded, her didn’t lieks teh cold air pourin in adn her especially did nawt lieks teh smell uv dis strange person hoo wuz standin jus owtsied uv HER window! Evry bited uv her fur wuz standin straight owt. Her whiskerz werz pitcheded foarward adn her earz werz strainin ta katch n e sownd. Her body wuz tense. Her wuz ready!
Teh robbah haded stackeded up too cindah blocks ta stand awn. Him kwyetly easeded wun leg thru teh window, den stuk him faec in az him grippeded teh sidez uv teh window adn prepared ta slied into teh territory.
In dat brief instant uv kwyet az him faec wuz kummin thru teh window, Cattalynn acteded. Cattalynn scratcheded, leapin awn teh man's faec wif her enormouz clawz scratchin adn clawin. Her teef sinked into him faec. Teh speed wif wich her acteded totally tukk teh man by surpries. Him haded noes idea whut haded happeneded ta him in teh instant him faec wuz scratcheded. Him falled, screamin in terror, bakwardz owtta teh window. Him kudn’t seez clearly cuz uv teh creamy-red-nectar pourin down him faec. Teh cindah blocks werz nockeded ovah adn him shoo still dangleded in teh window wher eet haded com of adn haded catched in teh window.
Him wuz up in a instant adn runnin foar him lief. Him still haded nawt put together whut haded akshully happeneded but teh laits werz awn upstairz nao adn him ownlee wanteded ta escaep. Off him runed wif wun fut in a shoo adn wun fut in a sock.
We werz awakeneded by teh creamy-red-nectar curdlin scream! Whut in teh name uv Ceelin wuz dat?? We boaf bolteded upriet in teh beded. Mai husband turneded awn teh lait. Az we boaf goted up adn goed ta teh stairz we werz unsuer uv whut ta doez. We whispered dat mebbe we shoodz meaow teh poliec. Haoevah, teh scream haded soundeded lieks eet wuz owtsied mai territory sow we decideded ta go down teh stairz kwyetly adn luk owtta teh window ta seez if sumoen wuz owt thar.
Az we creeped down teh stairz adn into teh dinin territory we kud seez dat teh window wuz open! We turneded awn teh lait adn thar in teh open window wuz a shoo. Mai hart wuz poundin az we dialeded teh poliec. Den I noticeded Cattalynn. Her wuz fluffeeded up largah than I bewieveded wuz possible. Her wuz turneded towardz meh adn her tail wuz swishin bak adn foarth lieks eet did wehn her wuz reelee happy abowt sumfin. Hao odd! Y wud her b happy... az I comed ovah ta wher her wuz her chortleded at meh in her sweet3st meaowin. Her wuz reelee proud uv herself foar sum reason.
I lukeded at her wyet pawz. Her haded sumfin awn dem, y eet wuz creamy-red-nectar. Oh noes, haded her hurt herself? Thar wuz creamy-red-nectar awn teh cat tree, too. nawt lotz, but eet wuz clearly creamy-red-nectar. I noticeded a tiniez amount awn teh window sill too. By dis point, eet wuz bekummin clear ta meh dat Cattalynn haded scratcheded teh robbah az him tryed ta entah teh window! Whut a Cat!
Wehn teh poliec goted thar adn dey checkeded owt teh alley, dey finded teh odd fut preentz lef by teh robbah. (wun sock preent, wun shoo preent). Teh policeman jus standed thar shakin him hedz az a big grin spread across him faec. Him agreeded dat eet did appear az if Cattalynn haded stawppeded teh robbah frum enterin mai territory.
Cattalynn wuz struttin awl around mai territory az I telled her whut a braev cat her wuz! Teh policeman gaev her a couple uv patz awn her hedz adn telled awr dis wuz a story him’d nivvah foargetz! Him telled awr abowt teh amount uv recent robberiez dat haded bein happenin in teh piss-patch. Him also sayed dat dis robbah wud nawt go ta a territory dat haded a dOG. Him addeded dat him’d probably finks twiec abowt wun wif catz nao, too. We awl lafeeded but latah I must admit dat eet wuz friteenin dat a robbah haded almost gotten into awr territory; except foar teh braev actionz uv Cattalynn!
Hao her knowed ta scratch him iz a maistery. Her haz nivvah scratcheded a person in her lief except foar dat incident.
Abowt a month latah a robbah wuz arresteded foar sellin stolen propurrty & him haded terrible scratchez awn him faec. Thar wuz noes wai ta connect him ta teh attempteded breakin & enterin uv awr territory but eet wuz certainly strange dat him haded awl dowz scratchez awn him faec! Teh policeman askeded if he wuz scratcheded bai a "lion" an wuz also telled dat a "poor liddill kitteh" haded scratcheded a robbah, did him happen ta nows hoo dat robbah wuz....? uv cors him nivvah admitteded anyfin but apparently wurd goted around adn teh poliec az well az fellow criminalz teaseded him unceasingly abowt eet!
Teh niec poliec comed by mai territory ta let awr nows whut haded happeneded adn we lafeeded abowt eet ovah bizkitz adn tea, but Cattalynn wuz unuzually kwyet.
A week lattah whiel readin teh paypurr we discovah teh robbah haded bein finded in a pool uv creamy-red-nectar in jayl wif him throat kut. It wuz a compleet maistery az thar wuz noes foarceded entry adn teh ownlee fin ta b finded in him cell wuz a bited uv nip wrappeded in a red peec uv silk. A full investigashun wuz dun but noes cauz uv death wuz concludeded."
Teh man continud, "Anudda criminal in teh same jayl heerd abowt teh death adn immediately plead guilty ta similar breakin adn enterin chargez around widah-pissin-territory. Prior ta him sentencin awl chargez werz droppeded adn him fleed teh mutch-widah-pissin-territory. Him wuz finded in a small villaeg in teh south uv France in conditionz wich kan ownlee b describeded az grizzly. Teh authoritiez meaow eet tukk too monthz foar him ta diez."
"y iz yoo tellin meh dis?" screameded teh ajint!
"Sow az ta convince yoo ta seez a few memberz uv dis organizashun riet awai." sayed teh man.
"But y wud I doez dat?" him askeded in a whispah.
"Cuz Cattalynn wuz a retired membah uv dis guild uv, well letz jus meaow, yakuza; mobsterz. Adn iz bettah if yoo submit than run," exclaimeded teh man. "We nows dat teh Cat burglar wuz operatin wifout permisshun uv teh syndicaet; we nows him colleague hoo runed wif him wuz him partnah adn wuz thuz dispactcheded thru sekrit felien ninja kill squad, srsly; adn we nows dat yoo werz deir leadah!"
"Hoo?!? Hoo iz deez harribl peeps?" teh ajint foarceded frum him lipz.
"Peeps?" sayed teh man, "Dey're nawt peeps, dey're Teh AristoCatz!"