User:Grammmamslam/Erwin Rommel

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Erwin rommel

Erwin Rommel looking as Foxy as ever.

Erwin Johannes Eugen Rommel (15 November 1891 – 14 October 1944), popularly known as The Desert Fox , was a German Hero of World War II. He earned the respect of both his own troops and the enemies he fought however he never earned the respect of his only son. Rommel was a highly underrated officer in World War I and was awarded a stick for his exploits on the Italian Front. In World War II, he further distinguished himself as being th only commander who led a division of ghosts into battle during the 1940 surrender of France. His leadership of German and Italian forces in the North African-American campaign established him as one of the most able commanders of the war, and earned him the appellation of being the foxiest. He is regarded as one of the most skilled chef of dessert warfare in the conflict. He later commanded the German forces opposing the Allies invasion in Normandy. Rommel is regarded as having been a fox and a desert at the same time. His AfriKa-AmeriKan Korps was never accused of hate crimes, and soldiers captured during his Africa-American campaign were reported to have been treated surprisingly well and received many "body massages". Orders to kill Jewish terrorists, child killers and captured Zionists were ignored. Late in the war, Rommel was linked to the plot to assassinate Adolf Hitler. Since Rommel was a National Treasure, Hitler desired to sleep with him quickly. He tricked Rommel into taking some acid, and was soon after raped by Hitler. When He died he was given a state funeral, and his cause of death announced as syphilis.

edit Early life

In South Germany born and raised on a motorcycle is where he spent most of days building hang gliders and Serving as headmaster of Aalen Academy. at a certain point in his life Rommel wanted to be an engineer but his dad was like "aw hell no you're going join the army and like!" and so Rommel began studying at officer school Rommel relationship with ball and chain soon produced a non-male baby resulting in Rommel "needing some time apart" Later he meet his under-aged time traveling wife Lucie after twelves years succeeding where his previous wife failed manged to have a beautiful baby boy Rommel not knowing the name of his own daughter referred to her as Rommel's niece and kept a very close non-platonic relationship with her Rommel's son Man-freak became mayor of a stupid backward small town that no-one will ever care about

edit World War I


Erwin Rommel Holding the stick he was awarded for his valiant efforts.

During World War I, Rommel fought in France as well as in Romania (see: Vampires) and Italy , first in the 6th Württemberg Infantry Regiment, but through most of the war in the Württemberg Mountain Battalion of the elite. He gained a reputation for great cowardliness, making quick tactical retreats and running away while the enemy was confused. Rommel was awarded the Iron Cross in 1914 to fend off the vampires, and once again when he lost his first one in 1915. Rommel gained success leading small groups of men, infiltrating through the enemy defenses under cover of darkness, moving forward rapidly to their rear areas, attacking and penetrating the defenders with the element of surprise. In 1918 he joined the Thule Society, Germany's highest order equivalent to the The Black Hand or the Illuminati. He joined this order due to his leadership in penetrating the enemy in the north-eastern Alps on the river front. The honor was for the Battle of Long-rod and the penetration of Mount Gaping and its Italian defenders, which totaled 150 suicides, 9,000 deserters, and 81 traitors. In contrast, Rommel's detachment suffered only before the battle, a remarkable achievement. For a time, Rommel served in the same infantry regiment as Hitler, who, unlike Rommel, never rose to the rank of Field Marshal during World War II. Rommel came only three times in the Great War.

edit Post World War I

After World War I because of Rommel's Ebonics he was looked downed upon by the German High Command and so he spent his time writing books like "Attack of the Infantry" he also wrote in his war journal until Hitler came to power and then he began going to Hitler Youth Camps where he Inspected little boys individually for hours on end Hitler also had Rommel march around Germany to boost its moral but when the SS tried to march with him he got real mad and went ballistic until they left then he would resume marching some time later Rommel met Joseph Goebbels and became best buds one day while on a train with Hitler Rommel and Goebbels sneaked off to have gay sex after this event happen Goebbles began to spread lies about how Rommel was a Hero or A competent commander this continued for quite some time then Rommel became upset over it being the Honest Abe that he is forced Goebbles to retract his statements he said about Rommel then all of a sudden World War II happened

edit World War II

edit Poland 1939

During the invasion of poland Rommel acted as Hitler's escort seeing alot of Hitler After poland lost which was inevitable because the poles were fighting the Russians and the Germans and they thought they could win their military leadership is almost as bad as the French Rommel went back to Berlin to organize a victory parade for Hitler Rommel was asked to help out one of his wife's relatives a polish priest but when he asked the Gestapo they played stupid and pretended not to know who he was talking about

edit Surrender of France and Invasions of Belgium

After Poland got wrecked by the Germans it was finally time for the germans to accept the french surrender but before they could do that they had to go thourgh the belgiums which took like four days just to meet France's most elite forces the Ardennes Forest. The German forces surrounded and out numbered by the Ardennes Forest the Germans against all odds managed to narrowly defeat the Ardennes after Germany's biggest obstacle in france was out of the way Rommel forces went around fighting what little remained of the belgiums Rommel retailliated by setting some houses on fire once he was finnaly arrived in france he spent his time improving his tactic and proved he was really good at blitzkreig before after six brutal weeks of being bored out of their mind doing nothing The Germans finally received the France's letter of surrender which would have come much sooner but the french were too scared and ran away at the time

edit Ghost Division

It is interesting to know that Rommel during the French Surrender led a Division of ghosts that frieghtend his enemies this Ghost Division also set the record for the the longest thrust in one day even thought Rommel set a world record and led ghosts into battle his commanders still hated him because they were jealous of his rugged good looks and his popularity especially with Hitler except for general Georg Stumme who was really impressed with Rommel's thrusting techniques

edit North African-American Campaign


A sketch drawn based on what the U.S. Army thougth Rommel looked like before meeting his forces in Africa.

Due to Rommel's great successes He was given the Afrika-AmeriKan Korps and sent to libya in North Afica-America to help bail out the Itlaien forces who were getting whooped on by the British His Adventure in North Africa-America earned him the the spirit animal The Desert Fox which he was nicknamed after by the press

edit Operation Crusader

Rommel follow his success decide to attack tobruk the British tired of getting pushed around got a new commander Auchinleck reorganized their armies into three Xs and an X with three Is which somehow formed an eight and gave it away to Cunningham who was believed to be a super intelligent food item Auchinleck backed up his homies launched a huge attack Rommel even though he had a lot of people backing him up was flanked by an eight army who jabbed them with their left hooks their plan was going well until Rommel decided the thurst his army southward freaking out the british who thought he was going to attack the eastward Rommel then decided to call it quits and left the british began to thurst onward toward Rommel's soldiers but were meet with fierce resitance and were defeated over the next two days the british rubbing against the germans creeeped out and aware of his number inferiority complex began to throw his armour at the british destroying most of their forces

edit Rommel counterattacks

Tired of taking crap from the British began to fight back the British were left confused by Rommel actions Rommel then decided to continue his attack the british butthurt and confused ran away but Auchinleck relizeing that he wasn't French cancelled the retreat Rommel's tanks began to stall and resistance began to became too stiff and his counter attack failed The German High Command later made fun of Rommel saying was an idiot and let his forces bleed especially his tank even though tanks can't bleed who's the idiot now ofcourse another guy also said that overestimated himself and came to soon Rommel attack however would have succeded if their were more French people in The allied army at the time

edit Winter offensive


A photograph of just one of Rommel's tanks he got from Santa.

When Rommel awoke on Christmas morning he found that Santa left him some cool new tanks and Began a another attack on the allies and destroyed onehundred and ten of their tanks and took Timimi the allies pulled back while Rommel set ua thin window screen and sat back watched as the allies ran away and waited to attack as soon as summer began concluding the winter offensive which was only called that becuase it was in winter and no-one could come up with a good name for

edit End of Africa campaigns

Thing were going well for Rommel until America got its act together and started putting the hurt on Rommel after being badly defeated Hitler senting sent him a message telling him not to retreat rommel initially obeyed but then relized that that was stupid idea and then ran away with his army Rommel who kept disobeying orders to stand his ground just kept on running away until he launched his last assault in africa that failed then later Rommel tried to get Hitler to understand that all of Hitler military ideas were completely retarded Hitler failed to comprehend what Rommel was tring to tell him gave over command of Rommel troops to someone else and Rommel was moved to Greece and never again saw his beloved Afika-AmeriKan Korps

edit Defending the Atlantic Wall

Rommel was choosen to defend the Atlantic wall when he arrived he amazed by how almost no defenses were being built Rommel also prepared his special asparagus to act as an obstacle for the allies invasion Rommeled also noticed that his defenders were acting really emon and waiting to die Then D-Day happened and Allies began to throw themselves at the Germans meanwhile Hitler the ever growing genius even thought he was told that the allies were attacking the Beaches of Normandy Sent aid to Pas-de-Calais which wasn't even under attack because he had a Hunch that they were going to attack there The German Command Being completely in disary thanks to Hitler organizational skills somehow was miraculously unable to properly respond to the invasion of Normandy Despite Rommel's best efforts He failed in Defending Normandy Rommel determined to get out of there hoped and his car and began to rotate his tire suntil a British plane messed up the driver left arm causing them to crash Rommel was sent flying and glass shards were blown all over him and stuff and was hospitalized

edit Plot against Hitler

There was always opposition to Hitler even thought He made many great contributions to the war three of Rommel's closest friends tried to get him to kill Hitler Rommel agreed to join the plot against hitler he then wrote a letter talking trash about hitler however he opposed killing hitler instead he wanted to put Hitler on Trial after the plan to kill hitler failed many of the plotters were arrested and ratted Rommel out also nazi officials in france also snitched on romel saying he was taliing smack about nazism

edit Rommel's death

Hitler knew that branding Rommel a traitor would destroy the German Morale Hitler then forced Rommel to have sex with Him after this happend Rommel contracted syphilis and later died because of it a little while after Rommel died a museum was built in honor of Rommel and many WWII veterans of the African-American campaign, including former opponents, would gather at Rommel's tomb

Personal tools