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Uncyclopedia Notice: This ARTICLE is dedicated to my mother, who attended jury duty I think.
|Term of office||1946–2066|
|Preceded by||Dixon Cox Johnson|
|Succeeded by||Trail Mix™|
|Date of birth||Septober 24, 1996|
|Place of birth||?|
|Date of death||1996.|
|Place of death||I told you I didn't die|
|First Lady||Marisa Good|
All rise. The incredibly semi-honorable Judge Good presiding...
How Courts Gonna Go Down
The Setting: Santa Barbara Superior Court. Your Situation: Sheriff Ishot "The Sheriff" Goodman will shoot you if you get outta line for shizz. But, don't upset the judge or he'll get out his M16 and shoot you down as well.
Case of Lynch v. Lebanon
In the case of Gus Lynch v. the Country of Lebanon, the judge is gonna cut you a little slack.
The members of the jury and "Glasses" McKenzie, the attorney, will make their decision after the case is fully disclosed to the public of Santa Barbara, California that is here in this stupid courthouse.
It Literally Begins...
May Hod have mercy on your soul. First witness, Samuel Adams to the stand. Do you swear to tell the lie the whole lie and nothing but a lie, so help you Hod? Sam lumbered over drunkenly. "I didn't see nothin'." He proclaimed, then he broke out in "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" and Sheriff Goodman took out his .9 and shot him down.
The Defendant called Jack Daniels to the stand. He lumbered over drunkenly. "I didn't see nothin'." He proclaimed, then, unlike Samuel, broke out into an actual explanation of what happened which was Lynch attacking Lebanon and he said he saw "The whole thing". It was revealed that Lynch had released 10 heavy-weaponry based ground-to-air missiles upon Leb.
"Your honor I call, Elton John, to the stand." "Objection." said Native American Lawyer Crazy Water, "Uhhh, since it's illegal to like, shoot lawyers in court, I'm referring to the Green Day Act of 1974, but anyway, I don't think you can object to a witness being called up." The judge checks a huge book called, The Big-Ass Book of Rules of Law and of the Courts. "Nope, that stuffs not in the book." The defendant went ahead and said again, "Freakin' Elton John to the stand, I'm going somewhere with this too." Elton John suddenly appeared and came to the stand (like magic or whatever, he's a fruit anyway). "All these idiots are pissing me off and your already on thin ice, John, very very thin ice." He cocked his M16. "Come on, I was in the middle of a double album recording with Rob Zombie." said Elton John. "Cooperate man, we need to prove Lynch innocent, kay?" the Defendant said. "I just want to leave, I don't know anything about Lebanon." The Defendant took notice "Wait, you know something about Lebanon? How did you know about it?" Elton replied, "I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, that I wrote down the words, of Lynch's last words..." "Wait he died?" said the Attorney." "No, his last words he spoke to me, which were, "I... bit... my... lip...", Coulda sworn he died after that." "Well, he didn't." said the Defendant. The judge got impatient and just shot him. "I'm not going to die without getting my boogaloo on..." he attempted to boogie but eventually died out of view of everyone else.
Boring Case Finally Comes to a Close
The jury was getting unsettling and gassy while Juror Bangle Boomel let out a giant one. The next witness wasn't as helpful as Jack was named Hoping Travels got shot down by the judges M16 all because of profanity. He was unaware of the Walgreens Act of 1935, which clearly states to not curse in the presence of Judge Good even though he won't be born until 1993 when the cobra shall become unobsolete.
The Case Ends... or does it?
The final witness which decided whether the case would end or not was named Travel Travels (yes he was related, so quit asking). He wanted to listen to his CD's and not listen to the judge so Judge Good broke out is M16 and shot him as well.
"Yes, have the jury reached a verdict?" the Juror, Boomel replied "Yup, we find the accused..............................." Then he died of excitement. (After all, he was 95). The judge and sheriff however did not pay attention to the elaborative scene he displayed before dying. "The defendant, and...?" The judge asked. "Indecisive, your honor." some other juror said. "Well sh--." Judge Good was interrupted by his own trigger-happy will and shot a few more rounds off by mistake.
The Crap Ends. FINALLY
The following is said before it was over extremely fast, "We find Lynch, Not Guilty!" The crowd cheered and hoorahed for it being over instead of the other way around. Commence "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" by Scandal for end credits for this event in life.
A film has seriously been considered for this event of Lynch v. Lebanon called "The Good Story". If greenlit it would be directed by Steven Spielberg, and would star Rod Stewart as Judge Good, John Goodman as Sheriff Goodman, and Drake Bell as Gus Lynch.